Some of my fav jokes (caution) also long

[Towlie]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he
went to the market looking for a rooster. He was
hoping he could get a special rooster - one that
could service all of his many hens and when he
told this to the market vendor, the vendor
replied: "I have just the rooster for you".
Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever
see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before
setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave
Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,"I'm
counting on you to do your stuff". And without a
word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each
hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking
and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished
having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the
barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and
still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the
same. The farmer, watching all of this with
disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill
yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each
farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and
saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were
up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long
tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling
above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor
thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed
yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh"
Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"



A man was walking down the street when he
noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch,
in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the
waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?" he asked.

The old man slyly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's
idea."


A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely
says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please
take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn
accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey
sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if
we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son,
whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About
dis celibacy thing. Are you tellin me you never
think about doin' it? The nun, "Why certainly,
my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time
or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."
The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you
know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under
certain conditions, in a very unique
circumstance, I might consider it. The cabbie,
"Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"
The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic,
unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no
children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is
your lucky day. I am all three. Why dont youse
come on up here...I won't even make you really
break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on
me." The nun looks around....they are awfully
far away from where anyone would recognize her...
at the next light she gets into the front with
the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting
back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is
smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the
nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun
inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The
cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant,
I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the
back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced
response, "Yeah, well my name's Steven and I'm on
my way to a costume party."

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home
from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of
horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer
said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse
stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled
again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached
under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the
horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with
him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."


There was a businessman who was going on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something
to keep her occupied while he was gone, because
he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex
toys and started looking around. He thought about
a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started
talking to the old man behind the counter. He
explained his situation. The old man said, 'Well,
I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except -- ' and he stopped.

'Except what?' the man asked.

'Nothing, nothing.'

'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'

'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is the 'voodoo dick.''

'So what's this voodoo dick?' he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled
out an old wooden box, carved with strange
symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, 'Big fucking
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!'

The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet.' He pointed to a door and said,
'Voodoo dick, the door.'

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over
to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a
crack developed down the middle. Before the door
could split, the old man said, 'Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!'

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box
and lay there, quiescent once more.

'I'll take it!' said the businessman. The old man
resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he
finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took
it home to his wife, told her it was a special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was
say 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'

He left for his trip satisfied that things would
be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a
few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly
satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo
dick. She got it out, and said, 'Voodoo dick, my
pussy!'

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it
out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how
to shut it off. So she decided to go to the
hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive
to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of
the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a
policeman. He asked for her license, and then
asked how much she had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was
stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then
said:

'Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!'

3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA,
the first one was 25 years old, the second was
35 years old, the third guy was 45 years old and
they all had to bring their wives.

So the first one went in and the CIA agent said
as a test of loyalty he had to go into the room
his wife was in and shoot her with the CIA agents
gun, so he takes the gun and goes and about a
minute later he comes in and explains how much he
loves her so he leaves.

The second one came in and was asked to do the
same thing, so he takes the gun and about 15
minutes later comes in and explains how she is
the mother of his children and he can't do it.

Then the last guy comes in and was asked to
do the same thing, so he goes and a few seconds
later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! and after that
he hears windows breaking and a whole bunch of
raquet. So he goes to the room and kicks the door
down and there is the man standing there with his
dead wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells
what have you done. The man says, SOME FREAK PUT
BLANKS IN THE GUN SO I HAD TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH!!



A man takes the day off work and decides to go out
golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices
a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9
iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's
amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the
next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man
asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3
wood and, BOOM! Hole-in-one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best
game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK,
where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las
Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK, frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons
of cash comes sliding back across the table. The
man takes his winnings and buys the best room in
the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures
why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it. With a kiss the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, you honor, is how the girl ended up in
my room."



There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for
50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very
day, we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together."

"Hmmm..." the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago
this morning."

"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you
say... should we?"

The two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table. The two sat there for a few minutes,
giggling like teenagers, when the little old
lady breathlessly whispered, "You know, honey,
my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty
years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man.
"One's in your coffee and the other one's in your
oatmeal."




There is this guy who has this major crush on
this girl that works at the bar he hangs out at.
He would love to talk to her but every time he
sees her he gets the biggest boner. One day he
noticed her behind the bar and quickly sat on a
bar stool. He felt this was the perfect chance
to talk to her knowing that if he got a boner it
would be hidden under the bar top. They get to
talking and he finally asks her out. She said yes
and the man was ecstatic, he said he would pick
her up at 8 Saturday night.

Saturday when he pulled up to the front of the
house he remembered his problem and new when
she came to the door he would be so embarrassed.

Thinking quickly he reached into the glove
compartment and pulled out a piece of twine,
pulled down his pants and tied his penis to
his leg.

He then went up the steps and rang the door bell.
She came out and they walked to the car he opened
the door for her and just as she was about to
step in she dropped her purse. She had a very
short black dress on and when she bent over to
pick up her purse he ended up kicking her in
the forehead.





A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough
to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous
woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices
she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a
very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?"

He replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."




There was a guy who just got out of a really bad
divorce with his wife. One day, he found a
genie's lamp. The genie came out and said, "Hello
master. I will grant you three wishes but,
whatever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish
anyway. For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I
want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one
house, his wife got two. This didn't make him
happy but, he made his second wish. "Genie,I want
2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his
wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very
happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I
have to remind you, what ever you wish for your
wife gets double."

The guy says, "Yeah,yeah. I know."

So the guy thinks real hard and says "I got it!
Genie, beat me half to death!!"

ok thats enuff for now i might post some later if no one minds

i was just bored and thougth others might be too

[Towlie]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's
lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a
pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots
he notices one with no feet. Surprised he
mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk
well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well
educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was
looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for
maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20
for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months
things go great. When he comes home from work
the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and
shut the door."

The guy says "What's up?"

The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you
this, but the mailman came today. Your wife
answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."

The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondled
her breasts."

The guy says "He did??"

The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee
down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on
and fell off my perch."


had to post one more i was looking for it but couldnt find it

[Sanchi]

HEHE u got that right bord as hell... and thanks to this read im almost off work WHOOO HOOOO!!!!!