More Raz Kaz Funnies

[Raz_Kaz]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm
holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."
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One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".

"What is that my son", God answered.

"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night." said Adam.

"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you". said God.

"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam

"An arm and a leg." replied God.

Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

That is all for now, let me know if you guy's want more funnies and I shall supply

[YogsVR4]

rookie

[IntegraBoy2003]

quite funny

[EclipseRST]

On day God sees Adam humping the shit out of a hole in a tree... God says to Adam, "What are you doing to that tree?" Adam goes to god, "I have to get my pleasure one way or another but i just cant think of a way... but i am kinda getting sick if fucking holes in trees, they give me splinters and are just not doing anything for me, not to mention they are a little rough on my dick!!" God laughs and says, "Well what would you like me to do about that?" Adam replies, "I want something to give me pleasure but be smooth and not give me splinters!" God says, "ok i guess i can do that and i'll make it someone who will also keep you company." Then poof theres a woman laying on the ground with her legs open, Adam takes one look at her and gives her a swift kick to the cunt! the woman replies, "Ouch what the hell was that for, why did you kick me?" Adam replys, "Just checkin for squirls!"

[Jet-Lee]

lmfao....luv'd that last one!!!

[Raz_Kaz]

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date.
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Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

More?

[YogsVR4]

We've already had a few 'worst jokes' contest - many of these were entrents

[SniperX13]

OMG!!! I love those!! the one about the panties made my fiance spew her soda when she read it

Two Thumbs up!

[tonioseven]

Hmmm..... seems I've been absent too long...

[Raz_Kaz]

Originally Posted by tonioseven

Hmmm..... seems I've been absent too long...

Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

[TuRbO_$kY|iN£]

ive got 1....

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

[KustmAce]

Originally Posted by Raz_Kaz

Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

I hardly think it would be a contest...

Good ones tho

[Raz_Kaz]

Originally Posted by KustmAce

I hardly think it would be a contest...

Good ones tho

Wait are you backing me up or him ?

[Sean]

The glove one made me fall off my chair!

Originally Posted by Raz_Kaz

Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

Okay, I've got a joke!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?







"Where's my fucking tractor?"

[grimmy]

Originally Posted by Raz_Kaz

Wait are you backing me up or him ?

you have missed a few joke cotests. it always boils down to yogs and tonio.