Whats your best joke? Or just some funny S^&%*(#T?

[[TWUBLE]]

Hey guys.... bout time we had another one of these isnt it?
So c'mon whats your best joke!!!

"A hick family go shopping one day in a new mall in New York City. While the mother is in one of the clothes shops trying on new clothes other than the overalls she is used to wearing, the father and son are sitting outside awestruck at how big the mall was. The boy looked over and saw the elevator which an old rather large lady was walking into... "pa, that silver thing just swallod that lady!" the lil boy said... "yeah... how bout dat" said his father... they watched the numbers rise to the top.... then drop again as the elevator returned to the ground floor... and out walked a 6ft Drop dead gorgeous blond! The dad tapped his boy on the shoulder and said "Boy go git yer momma!!!"

:P

[Anguss R33]

Good one dude, here is a funny for ya!

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the
years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[tazdev]

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
"you'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood up for a hymn he noticed that her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.
"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me," said Paddy.
It was a week later and Shamus was suprised to see Paddy had another black eye. "I got it in church," he began to explain.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn the dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.
"My nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned forward and tucked it back!"

[Nemesis]

Not really a joke, but funny none the less.........

Ansett

An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed is way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

Ant

[Nemesis]

or maybe this one.........

Bill Gates Goes to Heaven
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Ant

[SPECTR]

now that was good old but good!!

[Nemesis]

Last one............. for now.............

Golf Gag.

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing on this huge par 5 and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down after going only 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother." says the nun.
"After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,
grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in it's claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped the ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Ant

[Nemesis]

just one more............... ok????

An Aucklander parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Aucklander grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the Aucklander starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Aucklander finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Aucklanders are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Aucklander.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Aucklander looks down in absolute horror. "Fucking hell!" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex?"

Ant

P.S. That was how it was sent to me as well, I didn't change anything

[SPECTR]

so what happened to his rolex??


hang on the same thing happened to me the other day.....SHIT where MY ROLEX arrrgh...:alien:

[Nemesis]

One for you programmers out there..........

1. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

2. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by"

3. Engineering: "How will this work?"
Science: "Why will this work?"
Management: "When will this work?"
Liberal Arts: "would you like fries with that?"

4. "It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept"

5. Hit any user to continue

6. "Perl is the language of choice for net abuse" -- Larry Wall (inventor of Perl)

7. UNIX command of the day:
#echo'[q]sa[1n0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc

8. Q: Where do the names "C" and "C++" come from?
A: They were grades....

9. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every moment of it!

10. Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar,So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh aH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!

11.THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL.
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of it's compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Boliva to pick the coffee.
Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL pragrammers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

12.You are wise, witty and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this type of trash.

Ant

[Nemesis]

A STORY

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
''I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. ' All my love!
P .S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."


Ant

[Nemesis]

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm,
revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Ant

[Nemesis]

Colon colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here. It is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you have only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small part of our facilities..."
"Listen lady," Bob replies. "I am 58-years-old. I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

Ant

[Nemesis]

This bloke walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds
to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him.
"Oi you he shouts. I've shagged your mum!!"
The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings.
Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse. "Oi you" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mum up the bum"
The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with friends although by now visibly irate.
Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again. "Oi you! your mum sucked my d*ck!!"
By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up and yells "For f*cks sake Dad go home, you're embarrassing me."

Ant

[tazdev]

Damn Ant your on fire witht the jokes today.

Heard most of them before but the still bring a chuckle.



A renowned art critic named Flo
Was accousted a fortnight ago
when the flasher unzipped
she allegedly quipped
"An exhibit well hung sir, good show."