brief history of the French at war

[KustmAce]

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

[Sean]

A bit of an understatement on the Napolean era, but I don't really care.

[DevoutWankelist]

At a gun show once, (dragged there) a man in a booth was trying to sell french rifles from ww2 i think and said "all my french rifles are in near mint condition, never fired, dropped once"

[YogsVR4]

While humorous, that list is quite old.













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[DigitalPhantom]

[quote=KustmAce- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer."[/QUOTE]

Actually the Napoleonic Wars were a lot of French victories over surrounding countries. When Napoleon attempted to invade Russia however, he did not take into account the Russian climate and him and his troops were very ill-equipped for the cold weather. Upon there retreat from Russia, with only about 2,000 men, the surrounding countries decided to invade France and at the battle of Waterloo, Napoleons Empire that he had established was taken down. The British got STOMPED by Napoleon when they attempted to invade France during the French Revolution in an attempt to put it down before it spread to the surrounding countries. Not trying to put your thread down but some of the information is not entirely accurate....

[knorwj]

while that info is true digitalphantom you are forgetting the first rule of french warfare..."the french are onlly victorious when not led by a frenchman".

[Partizan]

I've seen this before but I find it hilarious. My favourite is this one,
"- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway."

[Hyatus]

i hope we dont have too many French af'ers or French Canadian af'ers get upset. the hunting joke was funny though, reminds me of a friend i go fishing with who when he walkes through the forrest he sounds like a boulder crashing through trees.

[publicenemy137]

they said this list was kind of inaccurate, just made to make the french look worse. Though france's track record sucks anyways

[Damien]

I thought this was goin' to be brief...

They lost, 'nuff said!