Funniest story you'll EVER read (LONG)

[90gs]

so... here goes, bear with me, believe me though its well worth reading the whole thing.

this one girl (kristin) was always making fun of my friend, because he rejected her. one day i was on the phone with her and she said

"he'd never get a girlfriend and he's going to die a virgin".

i said "um, too late for that, he met this girl and they've been fucking like mad rabbits hiked up on crack 2-3 times a day"

i went with this story for a couple weeks, adding a little to it every time i talked to this girl, saying that my friend was getting hella whipped by her. i told her that this girl (kaylee is what we called her, keep in mind she isnt real) was going into the peace corps and traveling to africa to give out food to starving ethiopians (got the idea from south park, episodes 109 and 311).

i kept that part of the story up for about a week then on monday night i said "my friend told kaylee that he didnt want to go into the peace corps anymore and she fucking KILLED HERSELF"

kristin asks "omg are you serious thats so sad!! how is your friend doing? is he alright? how did she kill herself?"

that day she went into work and told 2 girls about it and they both cried about it.

i said "hes doing ok, ive never seen him so sad though... the girl tried to slit her wrists, but the razor blade didnt cut deep enough, so she went in the bathtub and dropped a toaster in it"

then i told her i was gonna go be with my friend, and that i'd talk to her later. she called like every hour to get updates on how my friend was doing. we went by work that night and he acted hella sad, just to perpetuate the story and add realism. when we were there we told someone, someone i trusted not to say anything.

the next day i had another friend call kristin and say

"you have no idea how FUCKED up my friend is, and its YOUR fault, i hope you DIE".

kristin was at work and started crying a LOT, the person i told felt bad for her and told her the truth. i called him and said "CHAD!!" and he said "I know, i'm sorry, but nobody deserves that, thats messed up... please dont kill me now"

the next day at work (today) i told some people the story and they thought it was hilarious that she was that stupid to believe it, and they were laughing at her. then a bit later they go over to the walkie talkies "steven to the front office please". i had no idea what it was for but i started walking over there and saw kristin. i thought "Great..."

we went into the office and there were 2 managers, me, and kristin. she started in fast with

"you are fucking INSANE, my whole family thinks you are insane"

i say "your family consists of your bitch mom, your slut sister, and your dad, you think i give a fuck what they think?"

she says "that is fucked up, normal people dont make shit up like that"

i say "i'd rather be unique than the same as every other piece of shit person on this earth"

she says "no, no i dont fucking care, thats MESSED UP"

i say "well thats messed up to talk shit about my friends, i was just getting your dumb ass back"

she says "well i'm never talking to you again"

i say "some loss, i dont wanna talk to a dumb bitch like you anyway"

she says "if you ever call my house i'll call the cops on you"

i say "since thats a crime i'm pretty damn scared"

she says "i'm going to get my dad to kick your ass"

I had been saving this because its messed up but that last line pissed me off but i say "your dad cant move his legs, he's fucking crippled"

she says "oh no he didnt" and starts moving her head back and forth and moving her hands and shit

i mimic her movement and say "oh yes i did, what the fuck are you going to do, i can just picture your dad going all out in his wheelchair and swinging his crutch at me"

she gets hella pissed but right then and the managers end it, the whole time they were sitting there trying not to bust up cuz i was owning her.

by this time she was crying because i was beating her that bad

i guess what triggered her telling on me was earlier that day i had told a bunch of people the story as of that point in time and they were all laughing at her.

kristin was sitting at the table with this other dumb girl at the food court within the store and said

"steven is crazy, he needs to go in a mental institution"

and the other girl says "oh i just got out of one, i tried slitting my wrists"

the girl shows her wrists (i wasnt there, i just heard about this part).

kristin says "well you may have someone joining you in the mental institution"

the other girl says "yea.. i tried to kill myself but it didnt work"

then someone that i told the story to chimes in with "you should try using a toaster oven, i hear that works great"

kristin says "oh thats fucked up dont even joke about that"

and the guy says "no you're fucking retarded for believing a story like that"

then kristin goes and tells the managers that i'm mixing work with outside of work... well, sorry to burst your bubble but i havent worked since sunday, and most of these people already knew something was going on, so, someone besides me brought it here.

whew... heh.. funny eh? kinda messed up and mean but i made quite a few people laugh.

[jon@af]

Immature. Sorry, no laugh from Jon.

[Ace$nyper]

LOL dude thats a messed up think but i still found it funny. cripple jokes were low though eh whatever funny though.

[Oz]

Hilarious

[deadlight]

I thought it was funny as hell, but I guess I'm kind of sick, I think it would've been funnier if her sister fucked him because she felt sorry for him and his fake girlfriend, and then she would've been wrong, he wouldn't die a virgin and everyone would have a good laugh.

[tonioseven]

You need counseling.

[deadlight]

Originally Posted by tonioseven

You need counseling.

He needs an award.

[Oz]

Originally Posted by deadlight

He needs an award.

And possibly a cookie

[Zcaithaca]

calm down with the cookies oz

[Swoxy]

That's deep.

[GTR2b]

Not only was that story not funny... I think I'm now a little dum.. uh, dumn.. hmmm. dumber for reading it.

Thanks.. and I'm eating your cookie.

[publicenemy137]

i thought it was pretty stupid and immature. girls will talk shit and do messed up shit to other dudes, this won't be the first time.

[Chavez408]

In conclusion: the guy is still a virgin..

[HogieGT-R]

in my sick sense of humor, i thought that that story was Bananas

[KustmAce]

your a dick!...