some jokes

ac427cpe · #1 03-16-2004, 08:24 PM

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

More Irish Lunacy

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.

"Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"

"What was 'terrible'"" said the doctor. "Was the sex not Good?" "

Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again.