Jokes

[GOD]

anyone got some funny jokes to share ? heres a funny ass pic

[b-b00gie]

hahaha... nice pic...

[primera man]

If only !!!!!

[DaFoo]

I got one fo yuzz


A little girl goes to her grandfather and aks him to croak like a frog. The grandfather says, "Why would you want me to croak like a frog?" The little girl replies, "Because mom said when you croak, were all going to Disney World!"






What's the worst thing about having sex with a five-year old?

"Getting the blood off your clown costume?

Nope, when she say's she's had better!

[Porsche]

LOL, to both of em' the pic is funny, where do you get this stuff from GOD?

[Heep]

lol at all those

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor???




"Where's my tractor?"


Small things amuse small minds, I guess

[Steveo]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world.
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[primera man]

That was good

[YogsVR4]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

[GTO-TT/Chev57]

Good one Seveo

[blatch]

dude, that first one has so many shades of wrong.

[DVSNCYNIKL]

Say this out loud and just listen to yourself!

For the easily amused.




I SOFA KING WE TODD ID!



Say it fast.

[DVSNCYNIKL]

Here's another.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT
> >
> > For some time many of us have wondered
> > just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves
> > at a loss when someone says, "You don't
> > know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my
> > genealogy efforts, you can now respond
> > in an intellectual way.
> >
> > Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
> > Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
> > O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
> > They had one son, Jack.
> >
> > In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The
> > deeply religious couple produced six children:
> > Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
> > Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and
> > Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections,
> > Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
> > After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
> > divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,
> > and, because her kids were living with them, she
> > wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
> > known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
> >
> > Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they
> > produced a son with a rather nervous disposition
> > named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children,
> > Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
> > throughout childhood and subsequently married the
> > Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding
> > announcement in the newspaper announced the
> > Schitt-Happens nuptials.
> >
> > The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and
> > Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to
> > tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with
> > his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
> >
> > Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,
> > " you can correct them.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> > Crock O. Schitt

[Porsche]

LOL HA! Ah that's the best!!!! :sun: :flash: :flash: