Problems in my Life

[Atomis27]

I'm not very well known around here, mostly since I prefer to read and only post when the iron is hottest, but I feel that you folks are likely the most impartial group I'll ever find. So I present my troubles to you.

Since my situation evokes strong feelings on both sides, I will try to keep this as objective as I can, though it may run a bit long. Be prepared.

My wife works as a residence life coordinator for a large university in the southern U.S. An RLC is someone who has responsibility for one or more dormitories on campus. Here, there are three RLCs, one for Camp Hall, one for Denman and Hixson Halls (my wife), and one for Rast Hall.

As is true with every profession, people on the same job level tend to become peers quickly. My wife and the RLC from Camp Hall, who will hereafter be known as Adam, became friends because of a variety of reasons, including political views, professional views, and just plain old personality reasons.

Adam is a bit of an odd bird. His interests would ironically put him on par with me, since he is a bit of a techno geek as I am. There is a better than even chance that he is gay, being that his father is openly such, and he has other quirks that would suggest homosexuality. This may not be an important point yet, but my reason for its inclusion will be clear later on. He is also very narcoleptic with an insane sleeping schedule, a factor which will also be important later on.

Since my wife and Adam have become friends, she has started spending more and more time at his apartment. My wife doesn’t have anything approaching a normal work schedule, since RLCs must be available most any time of the day or night, so her being at home with me is touch and go at times. Lately though, she’s taken up going over to his apartment in the evening and staying there all night long.

Her reasons for this are fruitful in their quantity. Since he’s narcoleptic, his sleep patterns are badly off. He is on a large amount of meds, both for sleep and for awake, making it hard for him to sleep at regular times. He uses weekends as “med free” days, meaning he basically sleeps the weekends away. Her reason (excuse?) is that since they both work all day and he doesn’t sleep at night, the night is the best time for them to hang out. She also uses the “you can’t control me” line with frequency.

Needless to say, this makes me very uncomfortable. Feelings on the subject range from white-hot rage to deep depression, with every conceivable emotion in between. I have tried to talk to her about this, explaining how this makes me feel, and all I get are more of her excuses, sprinkled liberally with the “you can’t control me” line; the old fallback.

I’ve gone as far as to tally up the hours she spends with him versus the hours she spends with me, and for this past week at least, he has me beat nearly two to one. This has led me to the most depressing thought: that she feels her own freedom to do as she pleases is more important than the sanctity of our marriage.

Since this is “stress release”, I guess I’m not looking for any specific answers or advice, but if any of you might have any, they’re quite welcome to give them. Thx for the space.

[stealthj]

though you may disregard this post because its coming from "some 17 year old kid", i would do the same thing she is doing....

FIRST OF ALL IT IS TOTALLY unacceptable for her to be spending time like that with ANYONE ELSE, even if it was a girl-friend.

and second, you just dont do that when you are married.....where is your proof that she is not having sex with the guy?

you cant control me?? suck my fuckin dick DIVORCE in 3 seconds....

it looks like you are getting played by your wife man...and its not cool how shes treating you...

"you cant control me"

i would bitch slap the girl seriously....thats not something you say to your husband when you go off at night and spend more hours per week with another guy than your husband

obviously looks like the marriage is about to fall apart and that she does not care about you so im saying do the same thing im sure you will find some girl or at least fake it and go to a friends house....

[taranaki]

Divorce is a bad answer to a bad situation.I have been in a similar situation,it's frustrating when work oand work friends appear to be more important than a partner.Jealousy is understandable,but the 'You can't control me' attitude is not really acceptable.My reply in such a situation has been,'I'm not trying to control you,I'm just trying to work out a way forward for our relationship'.Marriage is a commitment not to be entered into lightly.Perhaps you should take the initiative and suggest that if she wants to see this guy out of work hours,he could come visit her at your place more often.

[TexasF355F1]

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like something else is going on, IMO. But I could be wrong. It just doesn't make sense that someone you love and is suppose to love you wants to spend time elsewhere. The first thing I suggest is that you try and sit down and talk to your wife. Let her know before hand that you want to talk to her about somethings. If that doesn't work or goes sour, talk to your in-laws. If you feel comfortable of course. I hope that guy is gay for your sake.

I hope the best for ya man.

[Steel]

Yeah try to work it out. And the "you can't control me" thing was a pretty ride thing to say. It's not a matter of control, its a matter of respect and trust. Just tell her that you are starting to feel disrespected and are losing your trust. And i bet she never has time to talk, huh?

<sigh> I'm never going to get married.

[chicago_guy]

Im sry to say that I dont have any advice for you, I just want to say that im sry that your going through this kind of shit. I can imagine that it isnt fun.

[Atomis27]

I deeply appreciate all of the comments and well-wishes given. All are welcome, and all are read and considered.

Not 20 minutes after posting this, she and I sat down and had a talk. It seems that the main reason for all this is that she felt lonely and this fellow is the outgoing, not-a-bit-of-shy-to-me type that makes her feel the center of attention. I think the "you can't control me" crack was more of a smokescreen than anything else.

It seems, looking back now, that I've been less than sociable lately, to her and anyone else. I am not the most outgoing person in the world, and I think she sees this fellow as much as a girl-friend, someone to go clubbin' with and watch movies with.

Mr T., I fully intend to suggest a more even distribution of locale for their friend time. Hell, if he's as much of a nerd as what little of him I've seen leads me to believe, I might just get to know him better than she. Besides, it surely wouldn't hurt to put the fear of God into him, or at least the fear of me.

Keep 'em comin guys, all perspectives are unique and welcome.

Edit: Things I forgot to include, or that may be relevant:
-We've been married for 4 years, and up to this point all has been rosy.

-Activities in these nocturnal gatherings are rarely restricted to just the 2 of them. There's usually a third or even a fourth there too, and the goings-on are things like watching movies and playing videogames.

[sameintheend01]

my idea: i it totally wrong for her to sleep over at his place...ever, gay or not. Think about it, if your mother was to sleep at a guys house, how would you react? That is what concern me the most.

[stealthj]

EXACTLY what is this FUCKIN BULLSHIT??

watching MOVIES PLAYING VIDEOGAMES??

thats what you do LATE NIGHT WITH PEOPLE IN THE BLANKETS CUDDLING AND SHIT EATING CHIPS AND MUFFINS

UNACCEPTABLE TOTALLY

dear god i hope he is gay because it would hurt even me to hear something "bad" happen

!

[SLAMD4x4DSM]

Can she prove he's gay or did she tell you that to put your mind at ease? I would hire a private detective to make sure you're not getting sloppy seconds, seriously. I didn't think it would ever happen to me either, but girls lie and cheat. Good luck

[Oz]

Personally, I would ignore the majority of the advice in this thread and start focusing some attention of your own on your wife. Make 'dates' with her, make her feel special, have time that is just for the 2 of you etc.

[Motor Eyes]

anyway i think that thats pretty bad.. i mean god uve both made a commitment.. but she probably is being strongly failthful to you, but then again, at the same time youre feeling left out. Which is, of course a realyl depressing feeling, like you mentioned yourself.
4 years is a long time for a young couple. You are just starting to face the different aspects of marriage, and it will not only sometimes get worse, but then again it might aswell help you understand eachother.
Marriage would be like a roller coaster.. i mean i mnot married but frmo what i can put it, it sure is.
Allthough the only suggestion/advice i can offer you to is get her to sit down with you and talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and keep her attention and affection. That way shell know for sure that nothing is ever a waste of time. Think about it, you just need to relveal your feelings and let her know.

on the "you cant controll me" topic.. it is a bit out of hand. she is probably having a lot of fun out, and not realising how it is for you. obviously.
that would surely hurt, but you also need to let her know that. let her know it bothers you. and see what her reaction. See if she responds the same.
Youre probale better off talking to someone tahts been through it. Someone thats much older and thats married. im pretty sure they'd be able to tell you more than this.
Hopefully it will work out. its hard to tell, because i havent been in your shoes yet. So let us know how you go
good luck mate

[chicago_guy]

Originally Posted by Oz

Personally, I would ignore the majority of the advice in this thread and start focusing some attention of your own on your wife. Make 'dates' with her, make her feel special, have time that is just for the 2 of you etc.

Since i cant come up with any of my own advice ill just agree with Oz. If shes doing this to get attention then give her what she wants. Give her more attention than the gay guy and she will be with all always.

[Atomis27]

Well, let's see. Further developments have occurred.

I have a temper, and a pretty bad one at that. It has even been described by some as "life rage", an interesting bit of terminology indeed.

It seems that, upon further discussion with the wife on the subject, that my anger issues are a large part of this current state in her mind. Last Saturday, I bacame more angry at her over her nocturnal ramblings than I ever have, and while it was justifiable anger, it caused her to go off to stay away the night again, all the while telling this little creep everything I said or did.

I wonder if I can get rid of this guy, by fair means or foul. Time to find out.

[stealthj]

i definetaly want to see the outcome of this