An essay for kate...

[replicant_008]

I feel drained and withered. Spring has supposedly arrived but yet I feel uninspired and lacking in energy. It seems that the spark of inspiration has sputtered and died. All I feel is emptiness and it is with a sense of resignation that I climb from my bed each day.

As the sun rises for a new day - I should feel invigorated but I feel listless and even the promise of the weekend fails to fire me up. I live a life less ordinary but for every moment that would or should fill with wonderment I feel like someone has placed a wet tarpaulin – choking what used to make me leap up in the morning.

I know that time is a healer but right now it seems a century could pass and the deep wounds will still be there. They are still fresh and raw – yet I knew that this path I walked would lead to this place eventually. But knowing where and why I would complete this journey seeming has not taken the pain from the destination.

The waves roll up on the beach where I live – and as I walk the sand at dusk, the roar as the water surges up the sandy beach is like a heartbeat. The air is filled with the freshness of the ocean and the breeze sidles up like a familiar coat. On the horizon, an array of lights heralds an approaching cargo ship as it does most evenings as dusk approaches.

I can sense her presence but I know she isn’t there – merely a phantom from my mind’s eye. And I can envision splinters of time where times were better and they glow like embers on a fire. But like the embers they glow briefly and all I have left is cold ashes and memories.

Time will pass and the visions will fade – my memories will become like photos in ancient photo albums, slowly being forgotten and the colors will be less vivid and the sharpness of the moments will soften. I may even discard the images like some irrelevant detritus of another time and another place even though they now shine as bright as new pennies.

And deep down, I know that my head made the correct decision and that my heart was hopelessly compromised. And I know that someday that the hurt will be gone and that I can walk away knowing that I did the right thing by both of us. I can’t help thinking that this was a lesson that was hard earned and that destiny drove a harsh lesson with huge cost – even under my hard protective shell of cynicism I can feel that my very core burns a little less brightly for a moment at least.

But then we never learn except from our failures. And that I live in the hope that maybe I will be a better person for the journey I have made – perhaps my greatest failures will be the greatest lessons learnt.

I certainly hope so, because this bitterness and disappointment I feel right now are an awful price to pay – one I don’t ever want to go through again.

[YogsVR4]

Prose for an audience of one….

[Steel]

You had a Kate too, eh?

[HogieGT-R]

Originally Posted by Steel

You had a Kate too, eh?

i think that everyone once in their lifetime will have or have had at least one "Kate" she's the woman who was your lover, confidant, and best friend. she was the 1st special one that went away and left your insides to the dogs ...sure you move on, but you never forget kate..and sometimes you wonder what your life would have been if kate hadn't left......

[Amish_kid]

Whenever I read any of your posts it makes me feel so stupid it's not even funny, are you by any chance a professional writer or journalist?

[Oz]

PMs said it all Rep.

[Damien]

Ah yes...Amber..........

[replicant_008]

I wake each morning and there feels like a little part of me is missing. I can feel the sensations of spring - the tingling in my fingertips from the warming air as the breeze wafts in from the beach as I retrieve my morning paper. I can almost taste the pleasant smell of my freshly mown lawn and of the tanginess of my freshly squeezed orange juice.

But it doesn't seem to be the same sensation. It's like I have my sunglasses perched on my nose all the time and whilst the glare has faded so too has some of the subtlety and finesse from my world. The colors have faded and the comfort of habit is becoming monotony.

I have taken on some new things to help move on from the old. Partially to try something else but partially to help me forget. I've decided that taking a risk is sometimes worth it and while I can't live for a moment all the time that eventually time may allow me to forget those things I choose to bury and that only those frozen moments that are etched in my life will remain.

You can't always win on a gamble - and occasionally you win but a lot of time you don't. But there's something to be said for the prize - and that the journey for me is worth more than the destination...

I can't say every moment I have had this past year are ones that I will be beholden to - but if there's some solace in the thought that fires that burnt brightly exhaust themselves more quickly. And like a comet racing through my personal piece of sky - everything was illuminated for a moment and all I have left is the sensations that I still tingle in my nerve endings like something remains as a residual.

All I can do is remember what I've learnt and to light a candle so that those souls out there, wherever they may be, know the way home...