Texas Chili joke...LMAO!!

[blacksnake98]

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, (Native Texans), that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chile #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chile #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent fire house chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back. Now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me of that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Noone seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chile #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like fecal matter to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Helen's Mount Saint Chili

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the cili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Rich]

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like fecal matter to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

:hehe: lol!

[gdalton]

:cwn27:
Very good.

[speediva]

:hehehe:

that was funny!

[Tireburner]

oh s.hit!!!!!

The tears are running down my face. The other people in the booth think I lost it.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time

I'm stealing it and forwarding it to the world.

Thanks.

[YogsVR4]

That is pretty damn good!

[CamaroGirl86]

LMAO :hehehe: I'm f~ckin dying over here now That was good

[SkYLiNeFrEaK]

LMAF0, I am laughing uncontrolably at this post. LOL...