Helpdesk Rules

[DVSNCYNIKL]

For those of us that have to work on the phones, you can relate to what I am about to say. Don't you hate it when you get "the one" call, which has a totally blithering idiot on the other line. He chooses to make the call longer than it need be. Or worse, has no clue as to why he needs your help. If this is you, I have the solution to your problems.

Use "DVS's Troubleshooting guide". With this, you'll never have to worry about them again.

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.


Of course, with just some changes here and there, you can apply them to just about any type of help desk service.

[Rich]

Hellya. I hear ya DVS. I work at my college's Computing Help Desk, and we get alot of that same bs. PPL calling to say they cant access the Dial-up accouts, when they have the wrong phone # in there,or other students coming up to the window asking me questions that they would already know the answer to if they would have spent 30sec reading the little info book that we give out to all students and teachers at the start of the yr. Teachers complaining that there office machine died and wont turn back on (when they just kicked the plug out of the wall ) these are some of the daily occurences that I face at this very underpaid job

Its no wonder that between that job and my studies, that i feel like bashing in my skull on some days

[G-Forces]

Yeah hummerman by far my most annoying questions I get are resolved by the manual. RTFM! Gawd some people are just down right lazy.

So DVS you familure with the BOFH?

[DVSNCYNIKL]

Originally posted by G-Forces


So DVS you familure with the BOFH?

Body Odor From Hummerman?:huh:












Just kidding Hummerman, that was the only thing that came to mind with those letters.

[Rich]

Originally posted by DVSNCYNIKL



Body Odor From Hummerman?:huh:


Just kidding Hummerman, that was the only thing that came to mind with those letters.

Thats right...go pick on little me.

j/k

Anyways, I dont know if its the same but I have used the Acronym BOFH before, as at our help desk we call the little info book we give out the BOFH. (Book Of Fucking Help). Its acually called the passport book, but ppl will lose theres and come to the desk and say "can I have another book" and ill say
"what book, the BOFH?, i mean the passport book?"
and they say "yes i lost mine"
and i say "its $5.00 for another"
and 90% of them mutter something under there breath and just leave. only 10% of ppl that "lose" the book are prepared to pay for another.

In fact im looking at a box of these dumb BOFH right now, that I have to uncrate and count to make sure theres the right amount

Probably not the meaning that G-Forces meant tho.

[DVSNCYNIKL]

Originally posted by HuMMerMan


Thats right...go pick on little me.

j/k

Anyways, I dont know if its the same but I have used the Acronym BOFH before, as at our help desk we call the little info book we give out the BOFH. (Book Of Fucking Help). Its acually called the passport book, but ppl will lose theres and come to the desk and say "can I have another book" and ill say
"what book, the BOFH?, i mean the passport book?"
and they say "yes i lost mine"
and i say "its $5.00 for another"
and 90% of them mutter something under there breath and just leave. only 10% of ppl that "lose" the book are prepared to pay for another.

In fact im looking at a box of these dumb BOFH right now, that I have to uncrate and count to make sure theres the right amount

Probably not the meaning that G-Forces meant tho.

Thanks Hummerman for the clarification. Sorry I had to use you as my guinea pig. Unfortunately, in all the jobs I had where I was on the phones, I never got one of those BOFH's! The companies were to fuckin' cheap to get them.

Oh well!!!

[G-Forces]

Sorry guys both wrong! It stands for the Bastard Operator From Hell. It could apply to helpdesks just as easily.

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html

[DVSNCYNIKL]

I stand corrected!

[Rich]

Originally posted by G-Forces
Sorry guys both wrong! It stands for the Bastard Operator From Hell. It could apply to helpdesks just as easily.

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html

Close Enough...

Thanks for the clarification tho.