The 100 highs and 10 lows of being a guy

[Jimster]

10 THINGS THAT ROXXORS ABOUT BEING A GUY

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don’t give a shit whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of someone crying.

Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

All your orgasms are real.

A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you hit them into the boards).

You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff everywhere you go.

You understand why Stripes is funny.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticised, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

You never have to clean a toilet.

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

The National Cheerleading Championship.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your own name in the snow.

You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original colour.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president (In this lifetime).

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

You can say anything ("Wow, my balls really hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

Foreplay is optional.

Michael Bolton doesn’t live in our universe.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth (most of the time anyway).

You don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone notices your haircut.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

The world is your urinal.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time!

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You never have to drive to another gas station just because this one’s just too icky.

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

Same work… more pay!

Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don’t have to leave the room for an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.

You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don’t mooch of others’ desserts.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

ESPN’s Sportscenter.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the storekeeper imagining you naked.

You don't need to pretend you’re "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friend you’ve changed.

Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it".

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di’s death is just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.

Your friends can be trusted never to trap you with: "So… notice anything different?"

Baywatch.

There’s always a game on somewhere.


10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY



You have to take out the garbage.

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000 US.

No sofas in your restrooms.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

James Bond movies only come out every two years.

Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.

"Women and children first

[Oz]

:ylsuper

Absolutely on the money.

[Toksin]

W3rd.

[Neutrino]

Originally posted by Oz
:ylsuper

Absolutely on the money.

ditto

[drklver]

:thumbup:

[stubacca]

r0XX0rZ!!!

[esp]

oh so true.

[B16 SiRII]

:cwn27: right on! Not much is bad about being a guy!

[KatWoman]

I guess God broke the mold when he made me

You have to take out the garbage. - I take out the garbage

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000 US. - If I had the money first, I'd get Alex one.

Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours. - He is the kind of guy who would put it on inside out for HIS pleasure. See below.

You can’t flirt your way out of a jam. - He has a way of making me crack up so an argument never lasts more than 30 seconds.

[2strokebloke]

Not everyboyd gets the garage to himself ("do you want us to look like rednecks?...")

But you do know how to use a screwdriver (I found myself explaining to the fairer sex today that you have to turn it left to loose... )

[Heep]

Originally posted by Jimster
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

I don't get the Stripes one

But that second one applies to both genders in the lovely province of Ontario

[Sean]

getting my external genetalia stuck in an idustrail wood chipper is my worst fear...

Originally posted by 2strokebloke
But you do know how to use a screwdriver (I found myself explaining to the fairer sex today that you have to turn it left to loose... )

thats easy! Left Loose, Right Tight!

[S Brake]

[slave]

Ha ha, thats great. I like the one "You know stuff about tanks" thats a great one cause its one of the ones girls dont get.

[taranaki]

If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

Amen.Driveshaft,Mazda Luce,2 hours ago.


Downside#11 -


You get to have your genitals ripped out through your wallet if you ever decide that you want a divorce.