Teh Ozzie

[Oz]

"What comprises of a true blue Aussie!!!!"

You're not Australian until...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"
2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car,
3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.
4) You know who Ray Martin is
5) You start using words like 'bloody' and 'grouse' and call people 'champ'
6) You stop greeting people with 'hello' and go straight to the "how ya doin'?"
7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugh Boots
8) you own a pair of ugh boots
9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.
10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but buggered if you know what 'girt' means.
11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'.
12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.
13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly
14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly.
15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of dress thongs' for special occasions.
16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care
17) You pronounce Australia as "Straya"
18) You call soccer "soccer, not "football"
19) You've squeezed Vegemite through Vita Brits to make little Vegemite worms.
20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.
21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedos.
22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.
23) You understand the value of public holidays.
24) You're weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
25) You have a toilet dolly
26) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post.
27) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and
have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"
28) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.
29) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.
30) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and “barbie"
31) You've adopted a local bar as your own.
32) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.

---
You're not Australian until....
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
29. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story

[HogieGT-R]

lol i wanna be an aussie

[freakray]

25% Aussie (officially actually, and by the questions)

beach cricket rules!!!

[drklver]

i wanna be an aussie too!!! can u drink at work???

[Oz]

Hell yeah! We also have work drinks night in town every couple of months. Always an amusing one if your not too hungover the next day to watch those who are.

[YogsVR4]

I understand very little of the first list. That second list applies to men everywhere

[Gafoto]

The grass is always greener on the other side....

[freakray]

Originally posted by Gafoto
The grass is always greener on the other side....

Not is Australia, it's generally browner cause the heat

[BigJustinZ28]

lol , i must be part australian lol. I want to come visit there one time. I want to see a holden . A line of high performance 4 door sedan chevy's intrigues me !!!

[Toksin]

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'.

Not for a while yet Grant, but we'll see aye

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

Or Milo. Tim Tam Slam 0wnz j00!

[Gafoto]

Try reading Bill Bryson's book on Australia, In a Sunburned Land. Its funny and well written and also includes the essential fact that no American can remember the name of the Australian Prime Minister! I'm not kidding! Lets see if teh Oz man can tell us

[grimmy]

had vegemite once, wasn't impressed.
so, being that i am a member of the order of Oz, does that mean that on our holy day the leader will fly us members to austrailia to celebrate?

[Oz]

Let's set a few things straight:

-Vegemite on toast can only really be made well by an Australian. The trick is moderation - the thinnest bit of the stuff on hot buttery toast.

-Out PM is a complete wanker whose one line is 'Yes, Mr Bush. Sure, Mr Bush'. Named Howard.

-The legal drinking age is 18, so that is probably why we're all such pissheads :ylsuper

-The grass doesn't exist at the moment because the country is in one of the worst droughts in the last 100 years. Many farmers are committing suicide.

Big_Justin:
www.holden.com.au

[Dorikin]

I have had the Ford vs. Holden debate many times...Holden ownz

My dream garage would be incomplete without some form of HSV, and a Maloo tow vehicle

Screw the Falcon!

[Suislide]

Originally posted by Dorikin
I have had the Ford vs. Holden debate many times...Holden ownz

My dream garage would be incomplete without some form of HSV, and a Maloo tow vehicle

Screw the Falcon!

word. i want an HSV Commodore so badly...