Thoughts from the fall...

[replicant_008]

I haven't been around for a while - there have been many things to be done and time's arrow has flown so quickly over the past few months. It seems like only yesterday I was putting away the Christmas Tree from my Southern Hemisphere Christmas and already the stand of Oak trees that I see from my office are shrouded in bronze and gold leaves.

I can feel the nip in the air from autumn's chill and the blades on my lawn don't need to mown quite so frequently. And it's a mad dash in the morning to my letterbox to grab my morning paper across the stone-cold concrete path with heavy dew residing on the grass.

The warm easterlies are being replaced with chilly south westerlies - the dark storm clouds bringing chilling showers and a biting breeze. My lunchtime walks are now being ushered in my trenchcoat and scarf as I wander the deserted waterfront promenade.

And I can feel so many endings and not enough beginnings. This has been a dangerous time for friendships - so many that have simply withered in my apathy and others that have imploded due to my self-loathing. On the other hand, I have some of the best days of my life this summer - moments that seemed to unfold and that I know will be etched indelibly on my memory and the others that shared those moments. These will be the moments I will look back with growing nostalgia as the years unfold.

I will know then in the fullness of time that you cannot map the human heart without exploring it for yourself. There are folk I care about more than I concern myself with, I have someone my heart would gladly share all that I possess with but the head knows that the path this take me will only bring sorrow and disappointment at the inevitable parting.

So I am content with hiding my true feelings for the moment and hoping that in time the periods of alternating melancholy and joy will subside. I know that events and circumstance will pull us apart reluctantly at first but eventually it will be better for both of us and what we both want from life.

I don't believe in compromising what you want from life for someone no matter who - freedom is the one thing I cherish and I choose not to fetter someone's else's freedom but to let them enjoy a life where they are free to make mistakes, to share the joys of accomplishment and to wear the tears of sorrow and disappointment.

After all we each make our own stumbling way in life - and that is what shapes who we really are. The odd thing is that I feel so much that I need to do in so little time remaining these past weeks - as if I am living on borrowed time and that each moment is precious. And each passing moment that I share with the folk I care about is something that I need to treasure and covet as it will not last.

[YogsVR4]

That was a nice piece of writing.


Of course, those of us in the northern hemisphere are moving from spring to summer and will have to wait several months for the visuals, but the sentiment comes through crystal clear.

[Oz]

Have you thought about full time writing, Rep?

Anyway, sounds like a little bit of SDS to me. (Snow Deprival Syndrome). 1 month before you can get your hit...

:ylsuper

[replicant_008]

No Oz I haven't considered writing full time - doesn't pay like the day job unless I enter the dark side and work for the spin merchants. Something I would prefer to avoid and writing is an enjoyable diversion from the day job but would not be if it were my day job - I studied jouro for a year even did work experience for a while but chose another path.

As for SDS it could well be - although for some unfathomable reason I may forgo my traditional winter sojourn this year for something different altogether - another place altogether to charge the soul. Instead of sitting watching the mountains ablaze with crimson and orange from the dawning sun I may find myself sunning myself under a straw hat, sipping a chilled beverage on the roof of a whitewash building clinging to the hillside overlooking the cool blue of the Mediterranean instead... somewhere to forget and be forgotten...


And on that note - here's another musing...

Sometimes you wake up and there's a knot in your stomach. You know why the knot is there - it's nothing physical in itself, it's all related to conflicting emotions. You feel tense and because you need to do something so you simply tighten up the belt and continue.

That's part of the reason for my feelings at present. I can sense that many favoured paths are coming to a conclusion - the things that brought me pleasure, enjoyment and fulfillment are coming to an end as the passage of time, events beyond my control and responsibilities begin to ingrain themselves upon me. I can feel the pressure to complete many things, and feel that time is no longer my ally. I know that there are so many things to do know with the balance of the days of my life and that I will not achieve them all.

Facing up to my own mortality and limitations has been one of the hardest lessons that this year has brought. I know that there are too many irrational things that cloud my judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. How despite how the strong logical part of me knows the correct path and yet I feel the irrational part of me casting doubt and putting me on the path that will inevitably bring sorrow and disappointment.

In my mind's eye I already know the way this path leads - it goes somewhere that I know too well and would be best to avoid but yet for I am compelled and strangely drawn toward the path. I can feel my shoes reluctantly being drawn by some irresistable force to make shuffling steps - and I know that the path will lead to pain and suffering but there is a modest glimmer of temporary joy that pulls me like a magnet.

The feeling doesn't endure - there are time where I can snap back to equilibrium and yet in the quiet moments I can feel myself slide away into the void.

So I guess that's what I can take from this maelstrom, is that I think I
learnt a lot these past few months - about myself, about others, and about how my heart, mind and soul feels about a lot of things. And yet the uncertainty fills me with doubt, clouds my judgement and ultimately diverts my attentions and energies.

I'm not sure of the where the journey ultimately leads anymore, nor which star I will use to steer my course but it's not the ultimate destination that matters (it's the same for all of us in the end) but the voyage that matters to me most.

So I am going to loosen the sheets, drift for a while and let the sea and winds determine my course - perils abound and I know that I will take the helm again soon but I can feel that the familiar path is something I may step off and try to find another destination. I feel drawn to the unfamiliar and to drown my melancholy by forgetting someone I care for and to be forgotten by them.

[90EX]

Great writing, I like the sailing analogies at the end.

[tonioseven]

Replicant, I see what you're saying but my attention is constantly drawn to your eloquent style of writing! The imagery is so realistic! I understand about the friendship thing as well; sometimes it seems that as long as everyon'es doing alright, there's no need for me to interfere and try to "help things out" if you will. The older that I've become, the less my priorities rely on keeping in contact with those formerly near and dear to me. there was once a time when I felt bad for not keeping almost constand contact but I'm being pulled along different roads at this stage in my life.:grey: PM me if you ever want to talk.