Let's start a joke thread

[Muscletang]

Q: How do you know if a girl from Arkansas is a virgin?
A: If she can run faster than her brothers.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits.

[FlippiN.af]

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" To which the little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock…"

[clawhammer]

Originally Posted by FlippiN.af

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" To which the little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock…"

I laughed at that one.

[FlippiN.af]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

[-Jacko-]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead!

[mike1224]

heres a flash animation about a boring office job. Most of these things I'd do if I were working in an office. The phone thing I used to do while as a checker. http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/don...oring%20office

edit: sorry forgot to paste link. Damn alzheimers.

[mike1224]

fun at the airport
http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/don...0the%20Airport

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by mike1224

fun at the airport
http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/don...0the%20Airport

Those are funny.

[fredjacksonsan]

THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[nissan_240sx]

^

[mike1224]

^

LOL

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by fredjacksonsan

THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[FlippiN.af]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

[mike1224]

ORRT ORRRT ORRRTTT ..... lol

[nicecar]

Originally Posted by drewh4386

2 Blondes walk into a bar............

Sorry it was a classic for the old poster "nicecar"

hey its not my fault