Let's start a joke thread

[SLoe]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
>
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

>Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except the cowboy boots.

>Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today,
>it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
>
>Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S
>HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
>
>To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a
hat."

[GForce957]

hahaha

[Muscletang]

(NOTE: I don't hate sorority girls. I have several good friends who are in sororities and they are NOT sluts. I do find these jokes pretty damn funny though.)

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.

What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.

What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.

Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.

What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"

Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.

What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.

What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea

How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.

What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once

What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.

[FlippiN.af]

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"

[FlippiN.af]

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."

[PWRDbyUNCLEbens]

These jokes are great

So a boy comes home one day, and tells his mother that he had sex. His mother who is upset with the boy tells the boy to go into his room, and wait for his father to come home and discipline him.

Time passes, and finally the boy hears his father enter the house. He hears his mom tell his father the story. The father then stomped toward his room and slammed the door behind him . When his dad enters however a proud grin comes over his sons face, and he greets his son with open arms obviously proud that his son had become a man .

Father: "How about I buy you that new bike you wanted son?"

To which the boy replies "Not now though dad my butt still hurts"


What's worse then 10 dead babies in one trash bag?.... One dead baby in 10 trash bags.

Ten priests are being tested through trials to see if they are "pure" enough to become priests.

They pass all the tests then they finally come to the last one.

A bell is tied to each one the of the priests penises. They are then told that a beautiful women will then come dance in front of each one of them, and if their bells ring they will have failed the tets, and may not become priests.

A gorgeous big-breasted blonde comes out, with nothin on. She proceeds to dance in provocatively in front of the first priest, but nothing happens.

She then danced in front of the second priest in training trying even harder to get the bell to ring.

The trend continues each time with her trying harder, and harder, top get their bells to ring, but to no avail.

She then comes to the last priest, and feeling rather frustrated starts grinding on the man, trying to get a rise. In the process however she knocks his bell off.

The man then bent over to pick up his bell, and all the bells started ring.

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by PWRDbyUNCLEbens

These jokes are great

So a boy comes home one day, and tells his mother that he had sex. His mother who is upset with the boy tells the boy to go into his room, and wait for his father to come home and discipline him.

Time passes, and finally the boy hears his father enter the house. He hears his mom tell his father the story. The father then stomped toward his room and slammed the door behind him . When his dad enters however a proud grin comes over his sons face, and he greets his son with open arms obviously proud that his son had become a man .

Father: "How about I buy you that new bike you wanted son?"

To which the boy replies "Not now though dad my butt still hurts"

I love this joke. Just great.

[clawhammer]

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."

[GForce957]

hahahah, that was great clawhammer

[XeVeNskyLiNE]

Found this little jewel in the Eclipse forums. Stupid fast.

http://videos.streetfire.net/search/...0281CC06F3.htm

[FlippiN.af]

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[Damien]

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by Damien

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

I've seen this joke somewhere, just can't remember.
Still funny.

[FlippiN.af]

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.” The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[SLoe]

> > A Blonde Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears
> > Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom. He Rushes
> > Upstairs To Find His Wife Naked On The Bed, Sweating
> > And Panting. "what's Up?" He Says.
> > "i'm Having A Heart Attack," Cries The Woman.
> > He Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As
> > He's Dialing, His 4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says
> > "daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ned's Hiding In Your Closet And
> > He's Got No Clothes On!" The Guy Slams The Phone Down
> > And Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past His
> > Screaming Wife, And Rips Open The Wardrobe Door. Sure
> > Enough, There Is His Brother, Totally Naked, Cowering
> > On The Closet Floor. "you Rotten S. O. B. ," Says The
> > Husband, "my Wife's Having A Heart
>attack And You're
> > Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids!"