More Raz Kaz Funnies

[lordvektra]

well, if you throw enough out there, there is sure to be a couple of funny ones

good going guys

[TuRbO_$kY|iN£]

heheh i got loads...
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

lol still crax me up

[Raz_Kaz]

Ive heard those before...Keep 'em coming guys
Rules for seeing my Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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How to fail your Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3. Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

15. Beep your horn at everything.

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
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Groucho Marx quotes

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!"

"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."

"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man."

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"

"Time wounds all heels."

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."

"Whatever it is,... I'm against it."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."

[YogsVR4]

Gotta love groucho!

[TuRbO_$kY|iN£]

heard these?

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

mor where that came from

[Raz_Kaz]

LOL, I've heard all of those except the last one...still funny though.
Rules of Dating (for College)

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you are the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi...
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Computing Definitions

Access Time: The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report.

Analog: what Ana tosses into the fire.

Assembler: One who drops his card deck.

Bandwidth: Limited by the size of the stage.

Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

Breakpoint: The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude.

Chaining: A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output.

Character density: Number of weird people in the office, divided by floor space.

Checkpoint: The location from which a programmer draws his salary.

Console: What one does to a depressed computer.

Copy protection: Wearing a condom.

Core storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Counter: An area over which martini's are served.

Crash: What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours.

Cursor: An expert in four-letter words.

Default: De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea at de next major quake.

Device: Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.

DAT: The opposite of DIS.

Documentation: A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported.

E-mail: An on-line escort agency specialising in the provision of drugged men.

Error: What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output.

Escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence...

External Storage: Wastebasket.

Fixed Word Length: Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion.

Hardware: The parts of a computer that can be kicked or the nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu.

Home computer: What you tell your computer when it follows you.

Hypertext: Text on amphetamines.

Ink jet: a plane used for sky writing.

I/O Device: Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.

Library: An organized collection of obsolete material.

Loop: See loop.

Low Order Position: The programmer's location in the chain of command.

Machine-Independent Program: A program which won’t run on any machine.

Mainframe: Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash.

Microsecond: Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.

Modem: What the gardener did to the lawns.

Multi-sync: Can be sunk more than once.

Nanosecond: Measure of time on Mork's planet Ork.

Off-Line: Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed.

On-Line: Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm.

Password: The nonsense word taped to the side of you monitor.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works or, rather, might work under certain circumstances, or was rumoured to be working about a month ago.

Peripheral: Now you see it, now you don't...

Printout: A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway.

Programmer: Red eyed mumbling mammal, capable of communicating with inanimate objects.

Source file: One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors.

Switch: When management changes its mind.

Word wrap: Black music.

Ymodem: because, modem.