Let's start a joke thread

[vinnym86]

I've done this one before, but here it is again in all its glory:


A blonde and brunette are watching the 10:00 news. The top story focuses on a man who is standing out a window in a skyscraper.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 that he jumps." The blonde quickly takes on the bet.

...The man jumps to his death.

The blonde starts to pull the money out of her pursewhen the brunette is struck with guilt. "I'm sorry, i can't take your money, i already saw this story on the 5:00 news earlier this afternoon." The blonde's reply?

"Oh, so did I, i just didn't think he'd do it again."

[SLoe]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[L-Spec]

Aha, that was good loeman, I want a mule now.

[SLoe]

Originally Posted by L-Spec

Aha, that was good loeman, I want a mule now.

I am glad I could amuse you L-spec

p.s. I can get you that mule if you want it. I know a guy who knows a guy who.....

[drewh4386]

2 Blondes walk into a bar............

Sorry it was a classic for the old poster "nicecar"

[Loekee75]

3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."

[FlippiN.af]

...
"What’s wrong with me, doc?" says the patient. "My balls have turned blue. You gotta help me."
The doctor examines him and concludes his testicles have to be removed or the man will die.
"Are you nuts?" the patient cries. "I can’t let you do that!"
"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks, and the patient glumly has his testicles removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient is back. "Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but now my penis has turned blue, too." The doctor examines him again but reaches his previous sad conclusion: If the patient wants to live, his penis has to go.
Now the man’s crying. "But how will I pee?"
"We’ll install a plastic pipe," says the doctor. "You don’t want to die, do you?"
The man has his penis removed and everything’s fine, but two weeks later he’s back at the doctor’s office. "Doc, the plastic pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"
"Well, I can’t quite figure it out," admits the doctor. "Wait–do you wear jeans?"

[tonioseven]

Originally Posted by vinnym86

i haven't heard the second one, that one made me laugh, lol



He was abducted by aliens. or circus clowns.

Both. Alien circus clowns Hi everyone. I'm still alive; somewhat.

[clawhammer]

Originally Posted by Loekee75

3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."

[vinnym86]

Originally Posted by Loekee75

3 vampires go into a bar
....
"I'm going to make some tea."

aaaaawwwwwwwwooooooooohhhhhhh maaan... c'mon... C'MON!!
::loud exaggerated groan::

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by Loekee75

3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."

Thats gotta be the sickest joke I heard in a long time.

[drewh4386]

THAT has my vote for the sickest post EVER....!

[nissan_240sx]

Originally Posted by Loekee75
3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."

sick.

[drewh4386]

[FlippiN.af]

A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she's so down to which she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.”
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have their kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headed towards the door.
“What's going on?” she asks. “I thought you wanted to get kinky?” The man turns to her and says, “Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.”