ok ok one more bar joke

[2Slow4U_Noob]

I heard the first one, but it was a monkey and an old man. The second one I heard was that he said it was because there was a stong updraft and he just hovered outside the window and the guy says "superman" instead of clark, but i still love hearing that one!

[Angels_Aurora]

A man sitting at a bar notices a jar of $50.00 bills on a shelf behind the bartender. He asks what they are there for. The bartender replies that if you put $50.00 into the jar and succesfully do three things you get to keep all of the money. So the man deposits $50.00 and asks what the first thing is. The bartender points to the end of the bar where a 6'5", 350lb man is sitting. He says you have to knock that big guy out cold. The man says no way, give me a shot instead. So he gets a little more drunk, and says, bartender whats the second thing you got to do. The bartender takes him into the back room where there is a crazy pitbul. He says this dog has an infected tooth and you have to pull it. The man says fuck that give me another shot. After a few more drinks the man asks the bartender, what's the third thing that you have to do. The bartender points out this beautifal woman and says she is a nimphomaniac, and you have to satisfy her. At this the drunk man picks up a beer bottle and cracks the big guy over the head. He falls over knocked out. The drunk guy goes in with the pitbul, there is a lot of racket, the dog yelping and squealing. The door swings open and the drunk walks out, the dog following with a smile on its face. The drunk yells out, now where is that nympho that needs her tooth pulled.

[Raz_Kaz]

long, but good

[chaser29]

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."


#2
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[nialusa]

Two gay guys walkin down the street when all of a sudden a drunk walks out of a bar and starts chasin these two gays mouthin obsenities at them. After a while he catches one and starts hittin him, the other nowhere to be seen. When he`s finished beating the first guy up he stands up "If i could find your pal I`d shove this f@*kin bottle up his arse"......."I`m in the bushes" comes this little voice.

Really bad I know....sorry

[Raz_Kaz]

Originally Posted by chaser29

#2
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

And on the same thread!!!

[chaser29]

Ok ok --

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[whttrshpunk]

Ok let me give it a shot.

A guy walks into a bar and has a seat, he orders his drink and takes a look around. Then he notices a piano in the corner being played by the absolute smallest person he's ever seen, not much more than a foot tall. He calls the bartender over and asks "where did you find that little guy playing the piano?" "Well," says the bartender, "in the alley out back there's a bottle, rub it and a genie will pop out. That's were I got the mini piano player." So the guy goes out back and finds the lamp, he rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie asks him for one wish, so the guy says "I want a million bucks!". All of the sudden there are tons of ducks flying everywhere, so the guy runs back in the bar. He goes to the bartender and says "What the heck is with that genie? I asked for a million bucks and all I got were ducks!" The bartender says "hey, do you think I asked for a thirteen inch pianist?"

Ok one more, this one a buddy of mine(who happens to be half-mexican) told me.

This big scary looking mexican guy is sitting at a bar quietly sipping on a beer. Out of the corner comes a gay guy, who slowly sidles up behind the big mexican and leans over his shoulder. He whispers in his ear "how would you like to get a blow job?". At that the mexican jumps up and drives the gay guy into the floor with one solid punch. He then walks back over to the bar and quietly sips on his beer some more. The bartender walks over and asks "What the heck just happened? What did he say to you???". "I don't know man," says the mexican, "something about getting a job."

Ok I'm done!

[EclipseRST]

chaser29 that last one was pretty good...


I GOT ONE!

2 guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked!

sorry i had to!