Tangie's laugh o'the day

[speediva]

These aren't quite as clean, but I still got a chuckle out of them. I'll finish this series tomorrow.

Mathematics
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f~~king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!

English
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. *Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[Rich]

Little Johnny is my kinda kid

not bad saturn....not bad at all

[Tireburner]

Here's one that you can make yourself laugh

http://www.colonize.com/warp

[Tireburner]

One night, a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: Darling, would you give me a bl--job? Horrified, she replies; Are you mad? My parents will see us! He says Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour? She replies No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught? Oh come on! There's nobody around. They're all sleeping! No way. It's just too risky! Him (horny as hell) Oh please, please, I love you so much?!? No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't! Oh yes you can. Please? No, no. I just can't. I beg you....... Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, Dad says to go ahead and give him the bl--job. Otherwise, I can do it.Or, if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for Godsakes, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.

[Rich]

LOL :hehe:

[speediva]

Tireburner: Very funny *lmao* I can actually see some of my friends getting into that faux paux!

[primera man]

Tireburner.......that was good !!!....lmao

[speediva]

Last Installment of "Little Johnny"

Grammar
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just f~~king beautiful!'

These last 2 aren't the best, but I had to finish Little Johnny before we move on

[Tireburner]

And Friday's --- this is not a joke, but still very funny!


Subject: TEN SIMPLE RULES



"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter"

Some thoughtful information for those who are
daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend
to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front
of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling off their hips. Please don't take this as
an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
big, and I will not object. However, In order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the
barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular
fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than
an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not
be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,
a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like
change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and
with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes
very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over
a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull into the driveway you should exit your car
with both hands in plain sight. speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car. There is no need
for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at
the window is mine.

[jinushaun]

These jokes are bloody hilarious!! :hehehe: Little Jonny is definitely my kinda kid. Tang..Tireburner... priceless!

[primera man]

BLOODY GOOD !!!

[Tireburner]

This one's a little crude.... I've cleaned it up a little

Let me put it straight out. I can only sh-t at home. That's right. Not at
the boyfriend's house, not at work, not on vacation. Just can't do it -
unless it's related to food poisoning or taking 4 or 5 Ex-laxes. But on a
normal day, every time I try, I get all nervous and veto the idea and wait
the four more hours until I can go home. It's a dreadful way to live, but
I've gotten used to it over the years. BUT, then I realize, only tonight,
how foolish that psychosis is. I'm sitting here in my clean, dry pajamas
with full-seat, cotton, white, OLD LADY underwear wondering if E-coli has
just decided to make my p----y its home. Yeah. You heard me, so lemme tell
you my story.


I was at my work holiday party this evening. Feeling fine, not drinking too
much and not eating too much (for once). So, after the buffet dinner, I'm
sitting, chatting, etc, etc... and feel a little bit of a twinge in my
stomach. I figure that I'm getting gas from something I ate, so I ignore
it. Half hour later, I'm almost doubled over in pain, so I put a fake smile
on my face and try to say quick good-byes. I have to get out of there
because something is rumbling in my stomach that is determined to let loose.
I head for the door and two co-workers ask for a ride to their car. Oh my
GOD, I have to get out of there, but I say "sure." One of the co-workers
makes a pit stop. I'd like to too, as I'm sure I could have gone in THIS
type of emergency, but realize that it would be a very bad scene so I veto
the idea of getting a little "tension release" in the hotel restroom. I
drive them to their car, wondering if I should run into the office and let
loose, but I convince myself that I can make it home - only about 7 miles.
I start to drive, just as I entered the Ted Williams tunnel or as I call it
"the point of no return", I almost crash my f-----g car because of the
painful twisting of my intestines. So then I convince myself that maybe if
I let myself let out a little bit of that gas that's building up, that will
take care of the pressure inside so that I can make it home. NOPE. It was
not a fart that wanted to escape. It was a hot, liquid blast of s--t that
escaped my ass and I couldn't even stop it. The pain subsides for a moment,
and I kind of like the warm feeling as it was about 12 degrees outside, but
soon realize what actually MADE that warm feeling. I JUST S--T MY PANTS!!!!
So I try to scootch myself up off the seat so that I don't squish it. The
problem here is that I'm wearing a short velvet dress with a thong and sheer
nylons. I was wishing that I were one of those girls who wore that old-lady
underwear because it would have a place to collect. NOPE! And worse off, I
drive a stick and every f---ing time I had to change gears, my left leg would squish the s--t between the threads in my nylons, my thong, my legs.
I was in a panic. Half way home, I s--t again and again. Painful, putrid
smelling explosions from my ass. I COULDN'T STOP THE SH---ING. And the
SMELL. OOOOHHHHHGH! I began to get nauseous so I opened the windows. Dry
heaves escaped me as I tried to balance myself above the seat and trying to
stay on the road. I finally get home - by the way, my co-workers live in
the same direction and actually PASSED me on the road as I shat my arse off.


I got home and was happy that I drive with a pillow on my seat. I hobble
out of the car, crouched over, exhausted and in pain. I climb the three,
NEVERENDING flights of stairs as s--t drains down my legs. No one home -
thank GOD! I hobbled to the kitchen, while drops of s--t marked my trail. I
grab some trash bags and spread them out on the bathroom floor. I take off
my jacket - NO, my SISTER's suede coat that she let me borrow because it was
so much nicer than mine. The entire bottom had fallen victim to my sh---ing
frenzy. My driving pillow? That's a goner. I pull off my shoes. At least
there was no s--t there. I pull off my nylons and thong in one shot and am
amazed at the amount of s--t that came along with them. Liquid, mustard
yellow and smelling so grotesque. Then I panic. I'm still wearing my
dress, because I'm afraid to take it off. I wonder if I should just hop in
the shower with it on, but realize the mess that is all over and between my
legs. I think..."maybe I can just cut it off and throw it away", but it
was, again, my SISTER's. I was dripping s--t all over the trash bags at
this point and would never have made it to the kitchen to get scissors.

So I do it. Yes, I pulled the dress up, over my head - the ONLY WAY IT COMES
OFF!!!! As my dress slid up my body (I tried my best to do it without
contact), I smeared s--t up my back and into my hair. I plop the dress on
the floor and hit the shower. It smells so f--king nasty in my bathroom,
but I MUST wash this s--t off me. I have a dreadful shower, trying to clean
myself and clear the s--t away from my ur---a and v--ina....all the while
wondering if E-coli or fecal coliform are somehow being splashed into my
most private of parts. I get out of the shower and throw my dress and bra
in the tub. I trash my nylons and thong. I consider my sister's beautiful
suede coat. I know she doesn't wear it in the snow or rain. What the f--k
do I do? I'm not taking it to a dry cleaners so that I can explain that I
SHIT on it. I think, "maybe it'll dry and no one will notice," but then I
smell it. EWHHHHH!! So...what else can I do? I tossed it in the tub.
Well, she can wear it in the rain NOW, I tell you.


So my little velvet dress, bra, and sister's coat are taking a bath right
now. And the first thing I did after that was put on the biggest pair of
white, cotton, full-seat, old f---ing lady underpants because you never know
when your ass is going to explode....you might need a place to hold it until
you get home. And if ever again I need to s--t in public, well, just get
the f--k out of the bathroom if you don't like it, because I'm not wearing
this s--t home.

[Rich]

I didnt find that one all that funny. Too much emphasis on the shit.
Pretty fucking gross actually :apuke:

[Tireburner]

Sorry dude. It is pretty gross, especially if you imagine her as some beautiful woman.

I'm sure some anal retentive out there will relate though!!

[Tireburner]

Here Hummerman, try this one:

Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex.
The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Fuck You".
The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.