Cop Jokes

[SkyNex721]

That one was pretty good.

[taranaki]

cop pulls over this dude in a BMW and asks him for his licence.As he's reading it he notices the endosement"Driver must wear correcting lenses at all times"He looks up at the driver and sees no glasses.Now our friendly local plod has a chip on his shoulder about BMW'S and he decides he's going to ticket this dude.He tells the driver that he's getting a ticket,and the driver replies"but officer,I've got contacts"
the cop replies"I don't care who you know, you're gettin ' a ticket.....

[guysohigh]

Stop or slow down, now dat was funny

[Ando_Rules]

hahahahahahahahahahahhaahaha, these r sooooooooo damn funny i dont have any sorry but they r reaLLLY funny

[What ya Smoking?!?]

LOL, that sum funny shit!:bandit: :smoka: :smoker2: :badass:

[JDX]

Well damn, I'm almost 18 now and me and my buddies are really into cars but we all have the same problem that none of our cars are nice enough to get into. So we just kind of make shift with what we've got. So one day my friend Steve who drive a 1995 Grand Am (Not even the V6 or GT) is cruisin' down Irma where the speed limit is a unbelieveable 35 on a 5 lane wide road. Well Steve notices that a car nice and luxurious lookin' is gaining speed up on his right side... Steve is probably doin' about 38 to 40. Steve says like always, "This guy thinks he's better than me" as he floors it and starts pickin' up speed slowly, well the ride next to him does the same and here we have our own little street race goin' on at about 70 MPH in a 35 zone. Finally he sees the other car start to give up some, and signal to switch lanes in behind him... Steve figuring that he's goin' to take a left hand turn at the approching light... But while still stairing in his rear view mirror to see if the guy is goin' to ride his ass or not, suddenly lights come on, the car was an un-marked police car. From this point on, Steve was a little scimpy on details about the story except for the fact that the cop was laughing to hard to write my friend a citation. :sun:

[R32's Kick ass]

this is a true story i read sum where


a guy was havin a few drinks at the pub and wen he was finished he went to his car and drove home. along the way he saw a booze bus infront of him and the oficer was waving him in so the man knowing he was drunk waves back and turns right on the road before the booze bus. as soon as he got home he called up all his mates and told the "if ne 1 asks i was at home all day" and he went to sleep.
the next week he went to the same pub and an oficer confrunted him and said"feeling a bit giulty last week were we??"

[Jonno]

Originally posted by R32's Kick ass
this is a true story i read sum where


a guy was havin a few drinks at the pub and wen he was finished he went to his car and drove home. along the way he saw a booze bus infront of him and the oficer was waving him in so the man knowing he was drunk waves back and turns right on the road before the booze bus. as soon as he got home he called up all his mates and told the "if ne 1 asks i was at home all day" and he went to sleep.
the next week he went to the same pub and an oficer confrunted him and said"feeling a bit giulty last week were we??"

I don't get it...

[-The Stig-]

Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.

+++++++++++

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on
the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it
the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks around to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering
this bridge and ran out of gas."

++++++++++++

Drunk?

The drunken wino was stumbling down
the street with one foot on the curb and one
foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and
said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked,
"Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino
said "That's a relief - I thought I was a
cripple."

++++++++++++++

Dealing with trouble A deputy police officer
responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to
be well over six feet tall and weighed almost
300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he
could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're
also an escape artist-probably better than
Houdini." "If I had some chains," the deputy
continued, "you could show us how strong you
really are. But all I've got is a set of
handcuffs. Why don't you see just how
quickly you can break out of them?" Once in
the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked
for four minutes. "I can't get out of
these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?"
the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In
that case," said the deputy, "you're under
arrest."

+++++++++++++

Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so
he wisely left his car parked and walked
home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he
was stopped by a policeman. "What are you
doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the
officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man
said. "And who is going to give a lecture at
this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said
the man.

[Ran]

some of the jokes are funny bus some arent so continue bringing more.

[BLU CIVIC]

A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"


----------------------------------

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition!
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice yelled, "Are we over the border yet?"

[Nookie_Monster]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition!
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice yelled, "Are we over the border yet?"

BIG trouble. lol keep 'em coming

[PWMAN]

This actually happened on route 81 in PA with my dad in the passenger seat. My dad's friend said-
''What do you mean I was speeding officer, the sign said 81''
My dad said that cops don't have a sense of humor...

[Cameron1319]

---DUI-----
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on several different cars before he found his, and took an additional 15 minutes to unlock his car. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several more minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as the man pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled gave him two more breathalyzers, both the the same effect. The confused officer asked how it could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

---Crafty Rabbi----
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

---LAPD----
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

-Atempting the Impossible---
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

---Donations-----
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."

-Pigs That Fly---
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

[Cameron1319]

-Come again?---
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

-Tens signs the chief hates you---

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

-Could've written BLVD---
A trooper is taking notes on a car crash that led to several body pieces spred throughout the street. He sees a head on the street, and writes "head on boulivard" scratches it out and writes "head on boolevard" scratches it out, takes a look around, then kicks the head. "head found on curb"

-Rectum Strecher---
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?"
"SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son!" 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the heck do you do with a six foot @$$hole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

-Spell that for me?---
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

-Blonde 911 call---
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."