j0kes and qu1ck1es

[Oz]

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy b1tch, iron this."
---
Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good?
A: Nipples
---
Q: Why is Santa's sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.
---
Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bitblue, shakes her head. "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's behind. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiraton, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
---
A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white baby. Enraged, he brings the baby to the missionary at the tribe and says, "You are the only white man to inhabit our land. Explain to me how my baby is white." Terrified, missionary responds, "Now, now..please do not make any hasty assumptions. Look at those white sheep over there? Among them there is one black one. There is no explanation as to how it got that color and is just a miracle of nature." The tribe leader pauses for a second, then says, "I apologize, sir. I understand you well and clear. I'll keep quiet about the baby if you keep quiet about the sheep."
---
A little girl went in line to see Santa. When it was her turn, she climbed up on Santa's lap. Of course Santa asked:
"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

To which the little girl replied. "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and said.
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl, quite positively

"She comes with G.I. Joe; she just fakes it with Ken."
---
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
---
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my a55 up just one more time."
---
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[kittedb18bt]

loved the first one. thanks.

[YogsVR4]

Got some good ones in there

[psychobadboy]

Haha...black sheep.

[Raz_Kaz]

The first one was a ...but the cowboy one was fucking great

[FireBball972]

hahha, the cowboys and the lawyer

[Sean]

I've heard a longer version of the first one, but the rest are new to me. Good find!

[Damien]

LOL those were great. Always a lawyer joke though...

[RSX-S777]

Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good?
A: Nipples

Beautiful.

[elmnts of trnce]

[quote=Oz]
---
Q: Why is Santa's sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.
QUOTE]

[CamaroSSBoy346]

[Damien]

Got one for those down under...

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?

I'm sorry, but I saw and had to...