Let's start a joke thread

[SLoe]

Originally Posted by FlippiN.af

Third guy says, “You guys have no idea about true happiness! I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”

?? 17 wives = true happiness ??

[FlippiN.af]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…" The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"

[SLoe]

Mayor Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on
Roe vs Wade. He said he didn't care how people got back to their
houses........

[SLoe]

The House of prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES


Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by loeman

The House of prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES


Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Great Joke.

[SLoe]

danke schon

[FlippiN.af]

A few jokes:
A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”

“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”

“But, Sam, you’re a veterinarian!”

A guy calls in sick to work.

“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.

“I’m sick,” the guy replies.

“You sound all right.”

“No, I’m really sick. Believe me.”

“Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can’t be that sick!”

“Dude, I just banged my sister. Don’t tell me I’m not sick.”

A doctor enters his examination room to find a beautiful woman waiting in a paper gown. He starts the examination by rubbing her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.

“Yes, checking for cancer,” she says.

“That’s right,” he says, marveling at her amazing body.

He leans her back on the examination table and starts giving her a gynecological exam. Crazed with desire, and noticing her eyes are closed, he stands up and unzips his pants. The woman doesn’t flinch.

He decides to go for it and puts Tab A in Slot B.

“Do you know what I am doing now?” he asks.

“Yeah, getting gonorrhea. That’s why I’m here.”

[travis712]

Heres a short one:

What does a lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

I'll see you next month.

[Igovert500]

A cruise ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic. The only two who make it to the lifeboat are a man and woman he rescued, who has no arms or legs. After days of drifting, without food, starving and dehydrated, the realization that they may die sets in. The woman finally gets the courage to ask the man a favor.
"What can I do for you?" he asks
"Due to my handicap, men are intimidated and I have never recieved much attention from them. In fact I've never even been hugged before. If you wouldn't mind, would you please give me a hug?"
The man obliges and gives her a hug.

Hours later, the woman musters up the courage to ask for another favor.
"Sir, I've never been kissed before, do you think you could give me a kiss?"
"Sure" he replies as he leans in to kiss her.

Finally as teh day finally ends and night begins to fall, the woman realizes she may never see another man again. Not wanting to die a virgin, she talks herself into ask one last favor of the man.
"Excuse me sir, up unto today, I had never been hugged or kissed, and you were nice enough to do both for me. As you can probably guess, there is something else I have never had a man do to me."

Sensing where she is going with this the man, gets up, grabs teh woman and tosses her overboard.
"There you go, now you're fucked"

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by Igovert500

A cruise ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic. The only two who make it to the lifeboat are a man and woman he rescued, who has no arms or legs. After days of drifting, without food, starving and dehydrated, the realization that they may die sets in. The woman finally gets the courage to ask the man a favor.
"What can I do for you?" he asks
"Due to my handicap, men are intimidated and I have never recieved much attention from them. In fact I've never even been hugged before. If you wouldn't mind, would you please give me a hug?"
The man obliges and gives her a hug.

Hours later, the woman musters up the courage to ask for another favor.
"Sir, I've never been kissed before, do you think you could give me a kiss?"
"Sure" he replies as he leans in to kiss her.

Finally as teh day finally ends and night begins to fall, the woman realizes she may never see another man again. Not wanting to die a virgin, she talks herself into ask one last favor of the man.
"Excuse me sir, up unto today, I had never been hugged or kissed, and you were nice enough to do both for me. As you can probably guess, there is something else I have never had a man do to me."

Sensing where she is going with this the man, gets up, grabs teh woman and tosses her overboard.
"There you go, now you're fucked"

Thats just f***ed.

[GForce957]

hahaha cruel yet tasteful

[FlippiN.af]

Q: What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A: A dictator

After a long day at work, a guy decides to go get a couple of drinks before he heads home. Next thing he knows, the bar’s closing and he’s bowel-failingly drunk. When he gets home, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his ass. What’s worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the broken glass carved up his butt real good.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the shit out of him and he tried to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.

The next morning, as his head was pounding and his ass was throbbing, he tried to think of a good story for his wife.

“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the hell did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”

[Drifty]

ha ha

[clawhammer]

There are these 2 guys playing golf at a golf course. as they are playing, a another guy catches up with them. instead of waiting for the two guys to be done he asked if he could just join. the two men agreed. after playing for a while. they get to know each other, they start to tell each other their profession. the first guy says he's a dentist, second guy says he's a teacher, and the new guy was a little reluctant to say at 1st but tells them he's a hit man. the two men were little surprised, and asked him to prove it. so he went into his golf bag and pulled out a sniper rifle. they are really impressed and asked if they can see the rifle. the hitman mentions that the rifle scope can see up to 5 miles. so the dentist was really impressed. and used it to look towards his house. as he is looking towards his house with the sniper rifle he see's his wife at his house, but also see's his neighbor. the dentist says, "W.T.F.! my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!!! she lied to me that b****" he asks the hit man, "how much for a bullet?" he says, "500 dollars a bullet." the dentist reponses, "kinda pricey but i'll pay, i want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for lying to me and shoot my neighbor in the d*** for banging my wife." the hit man gets in the prone position and aims for a good 20 mins. the dentist gets impatient and asks; "whats taking so long?" the hitman respones, "hold up almost there im trying to save you 500 dollars!"

[clawhammer]

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".