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#1
08-09-2002, 07:15 AM
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Beer Drinking For Dummies
 Symptom: Beer is crystal clear Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up. Action to take: Punch the guy who gave you the water. Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action to take: : See if they have free beer. Symptom: Feet cold and wet Fault: Glass or bottle held at incorrect angle Action to take: Adjust angle so open end points to ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet Fault: improper bladder control Action to take: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training Symptom: : Beer unusually pale and tasteless Fault: Glass or bottle is empty Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights Fault: You have fallen over backward Action to take: Chain yourself to the bar Symptom: Mouth filled with cigarette butts Fault: You have fallen forward Action to take: see above Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your t-shirt is wet Fault: Mouth not open, or container applied to wrong part of face Action to take: : Enter bathroom, confirm mouth location, practice in the mirror Symptom: Floor blurred Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty container Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer Symptom: Floor moving Fault: You are being carried out Action to take: Find out if you're being taken to another bar Symptom: Room seems unusually dark Fault: Bar is closed Action to take: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home Symptom: Taxi is unusually colorful and "pretty" Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Action to take: Cover mouth Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles Fault: You are dancing on the bar Action to take: Find someone cushy-looking to land on Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted Fault: Insufficient beer intake Action to take: Increase beer intake until it sounds just right Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song Fault: Correct beer intake Action to take: Play air guitar Symptom: Unattractive woman in your sights Fault: Insufficient beer intake Action to take: Up the dosage Symptom: Shins and toes hurt Fault: You've been walking into things Action to take: Maintain dosage Symptom: Squishy feeling in the hands Fault: You've grabbed a woman's breasts Action to take: If boyfriend exists, duck to avoid punch. If no boyfriend exists, ask for name and phone number Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear Fault: You've been in a fight Action to take: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them Symptom: Bed is stiff and bumping around, weird people standing around you Fault: Taking a ride in an ambulance Action to take: No action necessary, you've already made an ass out of yourself. Symptom: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there Fault: Probable time and/or space warp Action to take: If fortunate enough to still be in a bar, get someone to buy you another beer
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#3
08-09-2002, 07:53 AM
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Do you know the trouble I went through to finally get my book published!!
 Sheeeesh!!:finger:
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Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
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#4
08-09-2002, 07:57 AM
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Quote:
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#5
08-09-2002, 08:29 AM
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Quote:
I live a double life. :finger:
__________________
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
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