Official AF Joke Thread
Pages :
[1]
2
Toksin
09-16-2006, 12:08 AM
Okay, this is the official AF Joke Thread. Post your jokes in here so we don't clog up the forum :)
Me completely lacking a sense of humour, I don't know any jokes. First person to post a joke gets a cookie.
Me completely lacking a sense of humour, I don't know any jokes. First person to post a joke gets a cookie.
Muscletang
09-16-2006, 12:13 AM
One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it."
He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.
Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.
The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.
The second man tries it and the same thing happens.
When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "Come on, Darling, we are moving to another house."
He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.
Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.
The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.
The second man tries it and the same thing happens.
When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "Come on, Darling, we are moving to another house."
2.2 Straight six
09-16-2006, 12:16 AM
how many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
3; one to change it and two to write a song about how they miss the old one.
3; one to change it and two to write a song about how they miss the old one.
Toksin
09-16-2006, 12:19 AM
how many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
3; one to change it and two to write a song about how they miss the old one.
Wrong. None. They'd all rather just sit in the dark and cry about it.
3; one to change it and two to write a song about how they miss the old one.
Wrong. None. They'd all rather just sit in the dark and cry about it.
2.2 Straight six
09-16-2006, 12:21 AM
Wrong. None. They'd all rather just sit in the dark and cry about it.
stop pissing on my parade!
stop pissing on my parade!
VR43000GT
09-16-2006, 01:03 AM
How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool?
*You turn it upside-down.
*You turn it upside-down.
nissan_240sx
09-16-2006, 06:06 AM
^
damn thats just not right lol
#1
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
#2
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
#3
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
#4
hehe.
http://dragguam.com/dragboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=170&d=1157531284
damn thats just not right lol
#1
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
#2
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
#3
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
#4
hehe.
http://dragguam.com/dragboard/attachment.php?attachmentid=170&d=1157531284
highteknology
09-18-2006, 04:55 PM
A lady in her late 70s, looking for more excitement in her life, walks into a biker bar. She walks up to a burly man wearing a Hell's Angels jacket. She says, "I want to joing yall's biker gang."
The man turns around and says, "Lady are you crazy?!"
She says, "NO! I seriously want to join. I know you are tough, bad boys but I have been through a lot and think I can hang with you all."
The man considers and ask, "have you ever been in a fight?"
She shows him a scar and explains that she got back in college.
The man says, "One last question, you have to have a criminal background to join us, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The lady says, "No, but i've been swung around by my tits" :icon16:
(sorry for the last word, but had to put in the joke for the total effect, feel free to edit if you want)
The man turns around and says, "Lady are you crazy?!"
She says, "NO! I seriously want to join. I know you are tough, bad boys but I have been through a lot and think I can hang with you all."
The man considers and ask, "have you ever been in a fight?"
She shows him a scar and explains that she got back in college.
The man says, "One last question, you have to have a criminal background to join us, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The lady says, "No, but i've been swung around by my tits" :icon16:
(sorry for the last word, but had to put in the joke for the total effect, feel free to edit if you want)
my99cavy
09-18-2006, 05:01 PM
How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool?
*You turn it upside-down.That is sooooo wrong, but yet sooooo funny. :rofl:
*You turn it upside-down.That is sooooo wrong, but yet sooooo funny. :rofl:
ghostrx7
09-18-2006, 05:20 PM
what did one condom says to another condom while walking by a g@y bar? wanna get sh(tfaced?
tonioseven
09-20-2006, 07:08 PM
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the
urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like
it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his
glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
"Is that one word or two?"
urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like
it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his
glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
"Is that one word or two?"
666_speed
09-20-2006, 07:12 PM
Who makes more money, a prostitute or a drug dealer?
A prostitute, she can wash her crack and sell it again.
A prostitute, she can wash her crack and sell it again.
beef_bourito
09-20-2006, 07:28 PM
what's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire?
one's a good year, the other's a great year
one's a good year, the other's a great year
tonioseven
09-20-2006, 08:15 PM
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
my99cavy
09-20-2006, 08:21 PM
^hahaha :owned:
"I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.":puke:
"I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.":puke:
vinnym86
09-20-2006, 09:58 PM
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
:lol: CoT's been too quiet while you were gone
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
:lol: CoT's been too quiet while you were gone
tonioseven
09-21-2006, 07:19 PM
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in shape important?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO , What a Ride"
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in shape important?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO , What a Ride"
tonioseven
09-22-2006, 10:10 PM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The ! catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The ! catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
JustSayGo
09-22-2006, 10:23 PM
THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man fishing in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the fisherman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man fishing in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the fisherman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
tonioseven
09-26-2006, 11:50 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
:eek7:
:eek7:
tonioseven
09-26-2006, 11:55 AM
AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS
Airline cabin announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas , on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a " Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
Airline cabin announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas , on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a " Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
tonioseven
09-26-2006, 11:58 AM
A CONFESSION
>
> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome went to the
> local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
> the confessional, the man said, "Father .. during World War II, a
> beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the
> enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
>
> The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And
> you have no need to confess that."
>
> "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
> favors."
>
> The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
> However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to
> act that way. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
> indeed forgiven."
>
> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one
> more question."
>
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
>
> "Should I tell her the war is over?"
>
> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome went to the
> local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
> the confessional, the man said, "Father .. during World War II, a
> beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the
> enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
>
> The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And
> you have no need to confess that."
>
> "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
> favors."
>
> The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
> However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to
> act that way. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
> indeed forgiven."
>
> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one
> more question."
>
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
>
> "Should I tell her the war is over?"
tonioseven
09-26-2006, 12:39 PM
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer: (below)
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer: (below)
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
tonioseven
09-26-2006, 12:49 PM
A Blondes Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her
beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be
a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked
on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I
found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill
my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash
it on my eyes."
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her
beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be
a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked
on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I
found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill
my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash
it on my eyes."
tonioseven
09-26-2006, 05:39 PM
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a
flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
(works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from
the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the
newness and cost of the rug. (and that's right when company comes
over!)
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what
you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a
flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
(works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from
the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the
newness and cost of the rug. (and that's right when company comes
over!)
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what
you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.
wizdum
09-26-2006, 05:39 PM
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue
Sue
Muscletang
09-26-2006, 09:23 PM
Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under instead of 6?
A: Because deep down they're really good people.
A: Because deep down they're really good people.
wizdum
09-27-2006, 03:58 PM
What does Santa want for Christmas?
A HO HO HO
A HO HO HO
stieh2000
09-27-2006, 10:33 PM
Whats the diff between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop screwing you once your dead.
A hooker will stop screwing you once your dead.
tonioseven
09-28-2006, 04:28 PM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
tonioseven
10-03-2006, 04:59 PM
I don't like having to put my jokes in one thread; they lose their impact and this is the last from me so enjoy it...
Making Love In The Kitchen
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me --
this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
Making Love In The Kitchen
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me --
this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
fredjacksonsan
10-04-2006, 08:35 AM
I don't like having to put my jokes in one thread; they lose their impact and this is the last from me so enjoy it...
Awww, man I always look forward to my daily dose of Tonio humor.
(Whether groaner or not they still have the impact though your audience is probably smaller!)
Awww, man I always look forward to my daily dose of Tonio humor.
(Whether groaner or not they still have the impact though your audience is probably smaller!)
tonioseven
10-07-2006, 05:52 PM
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor
stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older
doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older
doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children
and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The
younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
:uhoh:
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor
stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older
doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older
doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children
and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The
younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
:uhoh:
DentShop
10-07-2006, 08:14 PM
How many letters are in the alphabet?
19 because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
19 because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
stieh2000
10-08-2006, 06:27 PM
Final Exam
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written.... For 95 points:
Which tire? _____
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written.... For 95 points:
Which tire? _____
tonioseven
10-09-2006, 04:28 PM
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home,she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so
provocatively. What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
:icon16:
door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home,she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so
provocatively. What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
:icon16:
Jimster
10-11-2006, 04:54 AM
Man is catching an overnight train one winters night.
He arrives at the train station and immediately sees an attractive lady, who is an old school friend of his, he greets her.
"Hey, how's it going, remember me?
"Why yes I do, you were at school with me, how have you been?"
"Good, where are you off to tonight?"
"I'm off to [Insert city here]"
"Oh, me too"
Anyway they continue talking, the train pulls up, the man asks the lady.
"What cabin are you in?"
"I'm in cabin 9"
"Why good god, so am I, do you want the top bunk or bottom bunk"
"I'll take the bottom bunk"
So the man gets in the top bunk, later that night, they're laying inbed and it starts to get really freezing. The man asks:
"Are you awake?"
"Yeah"
"Could you pass me an extra blanket?"
"Look" Says the lady "We've known eachother for years, now, what do you say we pretend we're married?"
The guy suggestively says "Why yes"
The woman replies "Great, Get your own fucking blanket!"
That joke is an antique my friends.
He arrives at the train station and immediately sees an attractive lady, who is an old school friend of his, he greets her.
"Hey, how's it going, remember me?
"Why yes I do, you were at school with me, how have you been?"
"Good, where are you off to tonight?"
"I'm off to [Insert city here]"
"Oh, me too"
Anyway they continue talking, the train pulls up, the man asks the lady.
"What cabin are you in?"
"I'm in cabin 9"
"Why good god, so am I, do you want the top bunk or bottom bunk"
"I'll take the bottom bunk"
So the man gets in the top bunk, later that night, they're laying inbed and it starts to get really freezing. The man asks:
"Are you awake?"
"Yeah"
"Could you pass me an extra blanket?"
"Look" Says the lady "We've known eachother for years, now, what do you say we pretend we're married?"
The guy suggestively says "Why yes"
The woman replies "Great, Get your own fucking blanket!"
That joke is an antique my friends.
erb
10-14-2006, 03:56 PM
How many letters are in the alphabet?
19 because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
:banhim: Oh wait he already is!
19 because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
:banhim: Oh wait he already is!
'97ventureowner
10-14-2006, 10:51 PM
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER ..........................
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."
drewh4386
10-16-2006, 03:47 AM
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER ..........................
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."
:eek::uhoh::)
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde
woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."
:eek::uhoh::)
Ralliart 3000gt
10-18-2006, 02:54 PM
How to learn Chinese in 5min
READ THEM OUT LOUD
1) That's not right...................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..........Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?..............Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table.........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.......................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet........Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone...............No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.....Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight.......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.......Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..................................Fa Kin Su Pah
READ THEM OUT LOUD
1) That's not right...................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..........Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?..............Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table.........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.......................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet........Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone...............No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.....Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight.......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.......Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..................................Fa Kin Su Pah
highteknology
10-18-2006, 04:48 PM
why do women prefer older gynecologists?
because their hands shake more
A guy is talking to his friend during lunch one day. He says, "you know i've had a bunch of Freudian (sp?) slips lately. Like today, i wanted a ticket to Pittsburgh but i said 'a picket to Tittsburgh'." His friends says, "yeah i had one this morning too. I was eating breakfast with my wife and I meant to say, 'Can you pass the butter please?' But instead I said, 'You ruined my life bitch."
because their hands shake more
A guy is talking to his friend during lunch one day. He says, "you know i've had a bunch of Freudian (sp?) slips lately. Like today, i wanted a ticket to Pittsburgh but i said 'a picket to Tittsburgh'." His friends says, "yeah i had one this morning too. I was eating breakfast with my wife and I meant to say, 'Can you pass the butter please?' But instead I said, 'You ruined my life bitch."
Ralliart 3000gt
10-18-2006, 10:54 PM
Snappy Answers
> > > > Snappy Answer # 1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
> > > > >Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."
> > > > >Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.
> > > > >Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
> > > > Snappy Answer # 1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
> > > > >Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."
> > > > >Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.
> > > > >Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Ralliart 3000gt
10-18-2006, 10:55 PM
This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old, is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused and then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: 'Well, f**k me! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused and then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: 'Well, f**k me! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
fredjacksonsan
10-23-2006, 01:17 PM
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather haughty woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather haughty woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Rebel Racing 3
10-24-2006, 02:33 PM
A redneck oil change
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Rebel Racing 3
10-24-2006, 02:35 PM
John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" asked Bill.
"I drank so much last night I shit my guts out," said John, "But by the grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!"
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" asked Bill.
"I drank so much last night I shit my guts out," said John, "But by the grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!"
Ralliart 3000gt
10-26-2006, 04:53 PM
27 things to do in an Elevator:
>001.) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
>the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
002.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.
003.) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
>wrong ones.
>004.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
>know what floor your on.
>005.) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a
>while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
>006.) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
>scream, "That's mine!"
>007.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
008.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask
if they have an apointment.
009.) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
>play.
010.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
>they can hear ticking.
>011.) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
>procedures and exits with the passengers.
012.) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
013.) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
014.) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't
>panic, they open again!"
>015.) Swat at flies that don't exist.
>016.) Tell people that you can see their aura.
017.) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
>018.) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
>"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
>019.) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,
>ask, "Got enough air in there?"
>020.) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
>without getting off.
021.) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
>"Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
>022.) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
>passengers.
023.) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
>024.) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
025.) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce,
>"I have new socks on".
026.) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
>other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
>027.) Bring a plastic blow up doll and pretend it is your
>wife/girlfriend and say "Don't yell at me woman!" and throw her into
>the wall.
>001.) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
>the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
002.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.
003.) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
>wrong ones.
>004.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
>know what floor your on.
>005.) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a
>while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
>006.) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
>scream, "That's mine!"
>007.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
008.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask
if they have an apointment.
009.) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
>play.
010.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
>they can hear ticking.
>011.) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
>procedures and exits with the passengers.
012.) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
013.) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
014.) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't
>panic, they open again!"
>015.) Swat at flies that don't exist.
>016.) Tell people that you can see their aura.
017.) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
>018.) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
>"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
>019.) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,
>ask, "Got enough air in there?"
>020.) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
>without getting off.
021.) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
>"Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
>022.) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
>passengers.
023.) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
>024.) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
025.) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce,
>"I have new socks on".
026.) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
>other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
>027.) Bring a plastic blow up doll and pretend it is your
>wife/girlfriend and say "Don't yell at me woman!" and throw her into
>the wall.
fajita23200
11-01-2006, 01:05 PM
A man comes home from work one night. He finds his wife with her coat on, and her bags packed. He says," Where the hell do you think you're going??" She says" I hear in Vegas, you can get $400 a blowjob." I might as well make money off what I give you for free.He thinks about this for a minute or two. Then says,"I'll be right back." He comes back 5 min later with his bags packed. She says" Where the hell do you think you're going??." I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year!!!
lakwo
11-03-2006, 07:08 PM
A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.
The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.
The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."
'97ventureowner
11-06-2006, 02:50 PM
I know it's a week past Halloween, but this joke was too good to save until next year:
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time
being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she
decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up
to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let
him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for
his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a
time he had.
He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy
I loaned my costume to......."
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time
being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she
decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up
to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let
him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for
his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a
time he had.
He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy
I loaned my costume to......."
thecackster
08-15-2007, 07:11 PM
ouch!!!!
freakray
08-15-2007, 07:32 PM
ouch!!!!
You brought back a year old thread to post that? :disappoin
You brought back a year old thread to post that? :disappoin
thecackster
08-16-2007, 10:07 AM
oh shit, sorry i was in a sting of links and didn't even notice, i thought it was still stickied..... i'll go die now.
fredjacksonsan
02-24-2009, 02:32 PM
'Bout time for another joke.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out.
After several minutes he re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out.
After several minutes he re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Spiritinthesky
03-03-2009, 01:16 PM
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
'Is there a problem Officer?'
The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'
The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'
'You don't have one?'
The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'
The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'
'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
The policeman says, 'Why not?'
'I stole this car.'
The officer says, 'Stole it?'
The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'
At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'
'She's in the boot if you want to see.'
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'
The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'
The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'
The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
'Is there a problem Officer?'
The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'
The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'
'You don't have one?'
The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'
The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'
'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
The policeman says, 'Why not?'
'I stole this car.'
The officer says, 'Stole it?'
The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'
At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'
'She's in the boot if you want to see.'
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'
The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'
The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'
The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
Spiritinthesky
03-04-2009, 03:50 PM
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'
'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'
Spiritinthesky
03-05-2009, 08:13 AM
During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable. Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick.
RaeRae1
03-09-2009, 09:32 AM
Skilled hands
A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark, "You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A.
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler (http://www.carforums.net/showthread.php?t=34596&page=5#), which I've never seen done in my entire career.
A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark, "You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A.
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler (http://www.carforums.net/showthread.php?t=34596&page=5#), which I've never seen done in my entire career.
RazorGTR
04-18-2009, 11:35 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes, eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
The guy says 'No, what?'
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.
'No, what?' replies the guy.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!' said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
The guy says 'No, what?'
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.
'No, what?' replies the guy.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!' said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
Automotive Network, Inc., Copyright ©2026