Official Joke Thread

Message before the joke.

The moderators are being nice enough to keep this thread in the S10 forum, as long as we keep it clean.
I'm hoping that we can keep it limited to car related jokes only.
Please feel free to add any jokes that you want, just don't say anything that might offend anyone.
And please keep the comments down to a minimum. Don't be offended if the mods delete all additional comments, and non car related jokes. They are just trying to keep the forum organized
Just 1 more thing, if there is enough positive response they might just make this thread into a sticky.
Thanks for the consideration, and now for the jokes



A gynecologist was fed up with malpractice insurance, his women patients, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to look at his second love, automobiles, and to become a mechanic.



He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently week after week, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.



When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."



The salty old auto tech instructor looked at him in awe and said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, that was worth 50% of the total mark. Then put the engine back together again perfectly, it started right up and it ran. I couldn't have done it any better myself. That was worth the other 50%.



I gave you the extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler!"

:lol2:

I enjoyed that one!

that would be a cool idea. so blazee, shortbus, BrianR. would that be acceptable?

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shi*!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us!

so true so true..

ill go for the sticky, when i soaber up ill post a few

Funny stuff!:)

We'll see... :)

A sticky thread keeps one technical thread off the front page of thread listing. That's why I suggested minimizing the sticky threads in the Blazer forum. Threads on the second page get a lot less attention than those on the first page.

You can always post jokes and such in the OT thread in the Blazer forum. I think that is the general idea for that thread.

Seems harmless enough to me. If it gets out of hand then it will be locked.

saw this on a website that I go to. Dumb people are cool, they make life interesting. http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/SnowCar.wmv

heres a sobriety test for youall
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/ScottishSobrietyTest.wmv

vehicle Security systems
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/Monkey1_high_1_1.wmv
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/Monkey3_high_2_1.wmv
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/Monkey4_high_1_1.wmv
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/TrunkMonkeyEpidode2.wmv

Thread title changed

thanks John, Brian, and blazee, we'll keep it clean

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,

(read more)

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell h im different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.




Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving

this one is kinda old:

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, ! the man was impressed .
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

New Drugs for women:
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Click the read more link to view the rest...

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and grab a Coke
." "No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the doctor's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among
the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked
if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to
the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused
to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it
for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also
refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped
laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE A-H'S. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

Tommy visits the Confessional

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads

I did have a little refreshment before going into the mall to shop. I did know what I wanted, one of those flimsie things for my wife, I always get it to small, hee he.
I was only in the mall for 20 minutes, 5 minutes to buy my gift and 15 to check out the check out girls, hee hee.
When I left the mall the cop was righting a parking ticket,,,Damm.
I went up to him in a very nice way, swayed a little and said how about cutting an ol senile senior a little slack.
He kept writing the ticket,,,,, I then said in my nicest voice, You are a nasty bastard!!!
He glared at me and began to wiite me another ticket for bald tires.,, So I tryed a new approach,, I called him a stinking piece of dog crap !!!
He finished the second ticket and placed it on the windshield with the first ticket.
He then started a third ticket,, I then explained that it was xmas and to be nice,,,,,you sack of s---.
He kept writing tickets, the more I said nice things to him he would write another, the dipsh..
At that point I really did not care,,,
The folks at the home never let us drive , we have to take the bus. I don't know who's car, but it needed a wash.
My last words were "hey " office have a nice dayas my bus pulled out of sight, but your wife wears Army boots..
and people wonder what us retired people do for fun.....

with these next 2 you have to remember that I'm Canadian



President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey?

I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, the whole dart team from the pub and our Mountie. That makes nine!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya" . Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a loonie.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,
shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on
the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and
starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back
to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for Revenue Canada".

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best Friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

saw this in the OT thread
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
> > The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
> Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in
> three days.
> >
> > But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What
> is your first request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
> >
> > Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
> whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
> >
> > Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
> woman on his back.
> >
> > As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
> Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
> have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
> days.
> >
> > What is your second request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
> >
> > Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
> horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
> disappears over the horizon.
> >
> > Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
> returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
> than the blonde.
> >
> > She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
> >
> > "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill
> you tomorrow. What is your last request."
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
> alone."
> >
> > The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
> the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
> Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen
> carefully, for the last time. I said "BRING POSSE!"

40 Things Never Said By Southerners http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif 40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight

short one

At a recent rally Bob Dole was asked if he wore boxers or briefs.

He replied, 'Depends.'

sick, but funny

Southern Values http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.
As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. “She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!” To which his father replied, “Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!”

Bush, Einstein and Picasso http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

What Is Politics? http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.



-- makes sense to me!

Thanks for all the jokes Mike.
We might almost have enough to get this thread pinned soon

Seasick http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

Hair Spray: Can You Dig It? http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

i've got a little free time today... you all know how that goes.

saw this in OT also..... reminds me of my temper
http://dwightrau.blogspot.com/2006/02/never-disturb-gamer-or-get-hurt-badly_02.html

everyone who's "met the parents" will find some truth to this

Hide the Duke http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one. "Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. "Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

Man having a trunk monkey would sure be a blessing when I have to deal with rude people while out delivering the mail.

Trunk Monkey Video's found here
http://www.trunkmonkeyad.com/
http://www.sillyhumor.com/trunkmonkey/
and a little on the making of this comercial
http://www.devilducky.com/media/40839/

Stun gun....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

don't trust toyota...
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/toyotabait.mpeg

not a joke, but i sooo want to do this
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/ParkingExpert1.wmv

this too, with that car
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/ParkingExpert2.mpg

where can i sign up to learn these things, especially this
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/ParkingExpert4.mpg

:evillol: Don't tell the cops that it was me in that last video :evillol:















in my dreams anyways :eek7:

damn Stu whatcha got, that has you running???

Dear Sir;

I want to let you know that I want to discontinue my subscription on your "Tax and Customs Administration" . After a many years' membership it proved that the advantages clearly do not even out the disadvantages. The costs of the membership are generally very unforeseeable and honestly I am generally also too busy to read the letters sent by you, which are particularly mostly not real clear and will take up to much time and energy of the subscriber demands. Because of this a continuation of such a subscription in these nevertheless already expensive times for me seems in fact also no longer sensible. I request you thus pleasant to remove my data immediately from your files and no longer annoy me with your clearly recognizable envelopes. If you nevertheless still sent invoices for the period after 01-03-2006 they will be no longer paid. Subscriber's number (so called Social Security Number) 123.45.678.

With regards, OBP

kinda dirty, but i found it funny as shithttp://www.funny-pictures.com/ecards/adultcards/?cardurl=penis.php&title=Dear%20penis

Rodney Carrington is funny as hell. He does a lot of different things for the Bob and Tom Show on the radio.

yeah he does, my favoret from bob and tom still has to be toast though, great song, so is 18 wheels on a big rig

Heres a flash animation about a boring office. I'd probably be doing everything on that list if I were in an office. I used to do stupid stuff on the phone when I was a checker.

fun at the airport http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/dontdothat/?cardurl=airport.html&title=Fun%20at%20the%20Airport

Stu, was your interview anything like this?? http://www.funny-pictures.com/ecards/dontdothat/?cardurl=2.html&title=During%20an%20interview

Yup, that's how my interview went :evillol:

I did't know that they had a camara installed

Go here and look at SnowCar.

http://www.bkvideos.com/files/

Good 1 Bads, that's why I won't tow anyone without tow hooks

This'll make it easier, here's the actual link
http://www.bkvideos.com/files/SnowCar.wmv

But there are several other videos on the same page so check them all out

You might all like this one from the same page
http://www.bkvideos.com/files/BlowDarts.wmv

lol, snow car is a great use out of that little 4 banger, stupid ass kids

sorry for bringing up an old thread, but since its where we post most jokes.

learn a second language: http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/bilingue.mpeg

REDNECK Heimlich manuver ( Not too dirty, but not reccomended with someone standing over your shoulder.
http://www.stupidpeople.com/albums/album01/Chokes20on20you1.wmv