Official Joke Thread

Thanks for bringing it back up Mike



THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for
the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from
the
heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite
end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut
her
hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

BE WARNED! ~Home Depot Scam~


I don't how many of you shop at Home Depot, but this may be useful to know. I
am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I
have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Home Depot in San Diego and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. W hen you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and
they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each
other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral
sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on
Saturday, and also yesterday.

That's why I buy my wallets in the dollar store, and keep 20 of them in the glove box :lol2:

I only carry my phone number and $5.00 in those wallets figuring that it makes a nice tip :evillol:

That's why I buy my wallets in the dollar store, and keep 20 of them in the glove box :lol2:

I only carry my phone number and $5.00 in those wallets figuring that it makes a nice tip :evillol: hahahah I only leave a dollar. and a phone number to an AIDS testing facility

I'm speaking about $5.00 Canadian, so it's the same thing as $1.00 US :shakehead

Your right I've been leaving the wrong phone number I should give them my ex's to let her know that I'm still thinking about her :grinno:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."

You gotta watch this video
http://www.bkvideos.com/files/BlondeStar.wmv

www.myheritage.com (http://www.myheritage.com/)

upload your picture to this site, enter your e-mail address and it will tell you which celeb. you look like.

Different poses bring different results.

pose 1 : 58% Bill Gates, 58% Pervez Musharraf, 47% Oliver Messiaen, 46% Edward Greig, 46% Allen Iverson, 45% Olusegun Obasanjo...... 45% Monica Lewinsky.

pose 2 : 70% Ichrio Suzuki, 67% Sally Field (Gumps MAMA), 63% Donovan Bailey, 60% Marc Athony (can I do J.Lo too?), 58% Adriana Lima, 52% Andy Roddick, 49% Enzo Ferarri, 49% Hendrik Larson, 48% Gwen Paltrow, 47% Ronaldinho

got this one from off topic

Church Lady...
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came
to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her
old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on
top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of
all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"

That's cute Mike, Thanks.

I hope that this becomes a sticky thread soon. We're on page 5 now

i changes my settings to 40posts per thread, I'm at page 2, close to page 3!

heres another one from offtopic... A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY!!!!.... sorry thats what this older lady would be saying about this...... its a live caller on QVC, a home shopping network. http://www.lynnhaven.com/images/dellonline.wmv

more from offtopic.... thanks to tonioseven.... he posts a lot of jokes on there.

A Senior Moment
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, "Steve, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

Steve replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof the light goes on. When I'm
done, poof the light goes Off. "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor
says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Steve's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "Steve is doing fine, but I had to call you because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night, and poof the light goes on in the bathroom. And when
he's done, poof the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
:uhoh:

Vigalante prostitutes on Daytona Beach

Daytona Prostitutes Hunting Serial Killer

Woman: 'We Will Get Him First'

POSTED: 10:45 pm EST March 13, 2006
UPDATED: 2:27 pm EST March 14, 2006
Women involved in prostitution in Daytona Beach, Fla., have reportedly armed themselves and are searching for a serial killer behind the slayings of three residents, according to a Local 6 News report. http://images.ibsys.com/sh/images/ibs_icon/popup.gifIMAGES: Victim Photos (http://www.local6.com/slideshow/news/7551687/detail.html?qs=1;s=1;dm=ss;p=news;w=400)
http://images.ibsys.com/sh/images/ibs_icon/popup.gifIMAGES: Prostitutes Hunt Serial Killer (http://www.local6.com/slideshow/news/7996863/detail.html?qs=1;s=1;dm=ss;p=news;w=400)
"Rather than run from the man police labeled a serial killer, streetwalkers here in Daytona Beach along Ridgewood Avenue say they are seeking the serial killer out," Local 6 reported Tarik Minor said. "They believe the man responsible for murdering three women here is someone they have come in contact with.""We will get him first," streetwalker Tonya Richardson said. "Yeah, we are going to get him first. When we find him, he is going to be sorry. It is as simple as that."Richardson said she and other women are carrying weapons on the streets after Laquetta Gunther, Julie Green and Iwana Patton were found dead in the city."I carry a switch blade with me now," Richardson said. "Everyone else does now too."

The women are apparently teaming up and promising their own kind of justice, the Local 6 News report said.Last week, a Florida Department of Law Enforcement criminal profiler said a serial killer committed the three unsolved murders.Special Agent Tom Davis said he believes the suspect is a male who targeted the three victims because of other stressors in his life, according to a police statement.No evidence so far indicates any of the women was taken against her will, according to the report.In recent days, local ministers have also hit Daytona streets warning prostitutes about the killer, Local 6 News reported."We are asking them to buddy up," Street ministry spokeswoman Denise Horsman said. "To stay in lighted areas and get off the street if they can. If they can't, to do anything they can."Police in Daytona Beach are being assisted in the investigation by the same criminal profiler who helped detectives track a killer in the case of Lillian Martin and Josh Bryant in 2001."The average Joe, when they see somebody on the street, a prostitute or homeless person, they turn their head and look away," Horsman said.Officers have been cracking down on prostitution in the area. Ten people were arrested over the weekend in a prostitution sting.Anyone with information concerning this crime is urged to call Crimeline at (800) 423-TIPS.Watch Local 6 News for more on this story.
teamwork never sounded sooo good!

Note from a son...
A Father Passing By His Son's Bedroom Was Astonished To See The Bed Was Nicely Made And Everything Was Picked Up.
Then He Saw An Envelope Propped Up Prominently On The Center Of The Bed.
It Was Addressed,
"dad"
With The Worst Premonition, He Opened The Envelope And Read The
Letter With Trembling Hands:
“dear Dad,
It Is With Great Regret And Sorrow That I'm Writing This. I Had To Elope With My New Girlfriend Because I Wanted To Avoid A Scene With Mom And You.
I've Been Finding Real Passion With Barbara And She Is So Nice Even
With All Her Piercing, Tattoos, And Her Tight Motorcycle Clothes.
But It's Not Only The Passion, Dad - She's Pregnant And Barbara
Assures Me That We Will Be Very Happy.
Even Though You Don't Care For Her Since She Is So Much Older Than I Am, She Already Owns A Trailer In The Woods And Has A Stack Of Firewood Enough For The Whole Winter.
She Wants To Have Many More Children With Me And That's Now One Of My Dreams Too. Barbara Taught Me That Marijuana Doesn't Really Hurt Anyone And We'll Be Growing It For Ourselves And Trading It With Her Friends For All The Cocaine And Ecstasy We Need. In The Meantime, We Pray That Science Will Find A Cure For Aids So That Barbara Can Get Better; She Sure Deserves It!!
Don't Worry, Dad, I'm 15 Years Old Now And I Know How To Take Care Of Myself. Someday I'm Sure We'll Be Back To Visit So You Can Get To Know Your Grandchildren.
Your Son, John
P.s. Dad, None Of This Is True. I'm Over At Billy's House.
I Just Wanted To Remind You That There Are Worse Things In Life
Than My Report Card Which Is In My Desk Center Drawer.
I Love You!”
Ps: Call Me When It's Safe To Come Home.

ok, its 3:30 am i'm going to bed!

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.



So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.



The cabbie said, "If you don't have ... fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.



One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.



The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."



The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK" and off they went.



Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

http://www.bkvideos.com/files/HarassmentInTheWorkplace.wmv

http://www.bkvideos.com/files/GasDwarf.wmv

The lord is walking one day and see's a crowd of people stoning a woman. The lord grabs the woman and takes her to the front of the crowd holds his hand up to silence them. The lord says "let he who is witout sin cast the first stone. About that time a large rock hits the prostitute upside the head. The lord looks out and say's dammit Mom.

Check out this topless car wash video
http://www.kvsbt.com/temp/top_carwash.wmv

man titties were not on my list to see, stu. lol

Only the perve's would look anyways, but then I'm the one that found it

Here's another one that I like
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4446981554735098778

:lol2: Well I'll probably get banned over this link, but it's worth it :lol2:
Click here
http://mypage.uniserve.ca/~kvsbt/scrap/pole%20dancer/Pole%20Dancer.html
to see pic's of a naked blond pole dancer :lol2:

It was nice knowing all you guys :lol2:

Check out my new bottled water companies web page
http://mypage.uniserve.ca/~kvsbt/scrap/business.html