How to wash your cat

Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be
bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Contrary to
this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their
saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a
variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you
camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath.
(Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know
that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative
to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now,
this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a
trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and
total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with
a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not
suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in
the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the
supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and
drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of
him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add
the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn
off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now
fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the
glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and
will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just
become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach
for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this
view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor
and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open
enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small
hedgehog while plotting revenge.




Props to zebrathree for the link

Yeah! RECOGNISE!!!!!!!!1

I hate cats, good tip for getting a cat clean mix gasoline and styrophome and dip the cat in that and then light it on fire... :sly:

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

Light it on fire. WOOF!!!

Fuck you both, cats rule!

You like cats? I like cats too! Let's trade recipes.


Isn't that little sound cats make cute? You know the one between tyre and mudguard.

:evillol:

I'm surprised you haven't smoked any part of a cat yet Oz.

Fuck you both, cats rule!

:sunglasse

Cats are the thinking man's dog...

I have both a cat and a dog. They actually get along pretty well.

Just throw the damn thing in the toilet add some soap, flush until clean!!!! No need to rinse, or lather! And best of all your little kitty is trapped in the porciline bowl!!! YOUR OUT OF HARMS WAY!Fuck you both, cats rule! :bs: :wtf: cats are nothing more than little deamon possesed little hairballs with eyes and claws! If anyone wants a free cat give me a call Ill kill it and grill it free of charge

Cats are the thinking man's dog...

More like the gay and lonely man's dog....

Cats are gay....I really think that all cats are drag-queens

every car guy i know likes cats more than dogs

every car guy i know likes cats more than dogs

refer to my comment above :D

every car guy i know likes cats more than dogs
Well then now you know some car guys that hate cats. They're useless, they act as if they own you...I just feel like kicking the shit outta the cat, but I dont mind them, justy wuoldnt buy them

They are useless and they shit in a smelly box which they don't even attempt to clean afterwards, atleast with some dogs after they shit they try and eat it...atleast they make the effort of cleaning up after themselves :icon16:

/\:iagree: My dog is scared shitless from his own...shit. I find it amusing how dumb my dog is which equals to hours of great wentertainment

They are useless and they shit in a smelly box which they don't even attempt to clean afterwards, atleast with some dogs after they shit they try and eat it...atleast they make the effort of cleaning up after themselves :icon16:
Do us all a favour and give it a try yourself, Daz.
:thefinger

I can't stress enough about the importance of keeping your pussy good and clean. :iceslolan
Why are so many people reffering to cats as "gay." I've never heard of a gay cat.
Altohugh I have seen a dog fuck a goat :eek: .
Tell me which one you'd rather have now.

Do us all a favour and give it a try yourself, Daz.
:thefinger

Try eating my own shit?, nice attempt at pawning your fetish off on me :thefinger

I'd rather just hose my cat down clean instead of going through all that trouble. My cat's claws are so sharp that the little scratch on me will result in a big swelling area with my skin n blood protruding out where the scratch is. I love it but hate it at the same time. It's an arrogant lil bastard who pretends to not notice us, but other times very affectionate and very cute. Though at night if I leave my door open, it likes to hop on my damn stomach at 3 in mornin while I am asleep, sometimes I'll scream and wake everyone up because when you see a lil dark thing right on you, you tend to get shocked when you just had a nightmare. I don't want to keep it (it's actually a neighbor's cat that just started hangin out at our place) but my sister loves it so much and she gives it so much attention it doesn't want to leave

There's an easier way: put some toilet bowl/cat cleaner in the toilet, throw the cat in, close the lid and sit on it, flush 3 or 4 times, then open.

You know what they say, children who abuse animals are prone to becoming violent child-molestors or sexual offenders as adults.

Personally, I think owning a cat is a little less gay than abducting some kid on the play ground and "touching his naughty parts."

I personally see no point in having a cat. The point of having a pet to me is so that it relies on me, and so that i can like play around wiith it and stuff. But a cat just sits there lazily or goes out and chases some damn birds and then comes back and goes to sleep. Its too independant to be a good pet ;)

I have a cat. I have to clean him all the time because he is getting old (15 years old). My cat is used to it and never scratches or bites me.

Cats rock. They are far more intelligent and better to have around than just a servant dog. Dogs have owners, cats have an equal relationship with you.

Absolutely Toksin, not all of us require emotionally dependent pets to validate our evolutionary superiority.

jajimo use big words brain hurt ow

All of these supposed cat washing techniques have previously failed for me. Seeing as my cat is so generous with the distribution of scars, I've long since decided to be generous with his bathing. . .
The only way to bathe a cat without incurring serious injury to oneself is to-
A. Get a fishing pole with a lure on the end that prefereably has something "fluffy" (Don't skimp on fishing line, heavy duty line is very important)
B. Cast your line far enough away from yourself that your cat does not suspect your involvment.
C. Slowly jiggle your lure until your cat is fixated on it and begin reeling it in.
D. Don't get to excited and jerk it when he pounces, you must wait until he bites. Remember that if you just hook his paw he will get away.
E. Reel the little bastard in to about a 10 foot distance, if your cat is particulary evil you may want to allow another 5-10 ft but remember that this will make controlling him more difficult.
F. Now that you have him on the only leash he'll ever know drag his filthy flea ridden hide to the nearest pond and begin "bathing"
G. If all else fails and your cat is truly and absolutely the manifestation of the concept of evil, put tranquilizers in his food. Once he's out cold shoot him. Don't worry I know a really good taxidermist and can get you a discount. Bathing him should be really easy now, and you dont have to smell his litter box or feed him ever again!

:biggrin:

The only time an Italians cat get's anything that resembles a wash is when they put it in a plastic bag and throw it off the wharf after it steals thier fish and chips.

Well at least thats what my grandad taught me :bloated:

Cats are gay? Dogs are the Smitherses of the pet world. Blind obedience. If dogs could tell you that you looked sharp in that suit, they would. And always with their noses up your ass... :greddy2:

^^^ BRILLIANT!!

Dogs are the Smithers' of the world.

Cats are the Mr Burns'.

^^^ BRILLIANT!!

Dogs are the Smithers' of the world.

Cats are the Mr Burns'.

heh so you'd rather be dominated by a cat? then have a serving dog?

;)

OK CATS SUCK!!!! period! Dogs rule!!!!! A dog will fight to protect its owner, will a cat? The cat will most likely try to rub up against someone thats it! A dog can be trained, a cat cannot the are just to god damn stuborn. If a dog scatches you, you can be sure it was accidentally, with the cat you know it wanted too!!! Cats are so fucking tempermental that im suprized anyone would want one! OK granted cats are cute when they are kittens but that grows old fast! Puppies are cute too, they are more playful, listen a hell of alot better and are generally more loveable when they get older. In closeing I just want to say one more time CATS FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!! someone should go shoot them all!

how old are you ghostguy? About 14?

Absolutely Toksin, not all of us require emotionally dependent pets to validate our evolutionary superiority.

:rolleyes:

My freinds cat just died last nite too :( I'm not a big cat person, but that's the coolest cat *I* ever met. Not afraid of anything.. didnt bother me.. didnt scratch... didn't really do much of anything, really. That's why he was cool. If he was in your way, you just pick him up and move him, and he'll stay put. Now all that's left is the crazy stupid cat that bites and scratches and pees everywhere. Hopefully my dog will eat him.

Now all that's left is the crazy stupid cat that bites and scratches and pees everywhere. Hopefully my dog will eat him.


haha :rofl: :rofl:

how old are you ghostguy? About 14?
What the fuck does it matter to you how old I am? :nono: I just really fucking hate cats!

i dont like cats either, but entertaining none the less.

lol cats are cool....get one of those laser lights that were instyle a few years back, and shine it on the floor and walls infront of the cat. It serves for hours of entertainment

I have only given a cat a bath once and I dont think i will ever again..I made two key mistakes

1)I left the water running in the tub so as soon as i walked it she heard it and immediatly went nuts

2)i wasnt wearing a shirt..the lil bastard actually crawled up my chest and dug its claw into my neck!

even after all this i would stay say im a cat fan even though i love dogs too..iv had a couple of cats like this one that will stand up to any dog and show no fear of any creature..i think thats pretty awesome

iv had a couple of cats like this one that will stand up to any dog and show no fear of any creature..i think thats pretty awesome

No kidding, my 8lb cat will beat the crap out of my 29lb dog all the time, he is a tyrant. Not really fair thought because I got my dog from the humane society as a previously beaten animal, so he is afraid of everything. I got the cat as a kitten when he attacked me one day while I was just walking down the road, he just wouldn't let go of me and I didn't want to starve him. In his old age now he has become much more friendly, and he has always been a good mouser :thumbsup:.

dogs are annoyin, everytime a guest comes over the dog barks all over the place and you have to tell it to shut the hell up. Also at night when something happens the dog will bark again waking everyone up. Cats are chill, independent, and I can choose to pet it/give it attention when I want. Dogs will bother you, whimper, and annoy you for attention.

how old are you ghostguy? About 14?
I'll second that motion for 14 year old twit.

And I'll raise a new motion for lamest sig ever.
"HELL HAVE NO FURY! TILL YOU SEE ME DRIVE!!"
You can't be that bad. Oh wait, yes you can.

wow, me and Oz agree on something... :eek:

Meh.
http://img24.photobucket.com/albums/v72/icedale/freecat.jpg

I heard of a great way to clean the cat and toilet. Put soap in the toilet, quickly put the cat in the toilet, stand on lid, the cat will begin the agitate cycle. After one minute, flush for power rinse, final flush/ rinse cycle. Stand behind toilet, open lid, mop floor. Clean cat, toilet, and floor.

ok enough with the cleaning the cat in the toilet idea. i think that's the 4th time in this thread that someones suggested it already.

and as morbid as it is, the picture 2 posts up is so fucking funny i almost cried.

i wouldn't consider myself a cat-hater. i'm highly allergic to them and can't spend more then 3 hours in a house where a cat lives. but i do find them entertaining. my ex had 2 cats that had very distinct personalities, and they would have wrestling matches for hours (both males). i could sit there and watch them and have the time of my life. and they do alot of very funny and entertaining things. just watch the video of funny cats on e-baumsworld.com to find out.

but with that said, i'm a dog-lover. more obedience, more personality, WAY more love, and way more active too (for the most part. there are some lazy dogs and some crazy cats that break the respective molds). i have 2 little mutts, and they have such unique personalities. i love them both and could spend hours just playing with them.

so i don't hate cats, i just don't like them as much as i like dogs.

[/i] Now all that's left is the crazy stupid cat that bites and scratches and pees everywhere.

Haha, my friend's cat pissed in his toaster one night. You can bet he was in for a surprise when he went to make toast the next morning :banghead:

I think the best thing to do is to have one cat and one dog.
I do and they work great together.
The cat is the brains and the dog is the brawn. I've watched my cat preying on a hole in my front yard with my dog waiting next to him.
My cat caught a mole and the dog killed it.
Yeah, teamwork bitch!

Cats rock. They are far more intelligent and better to have around than just a servant dog. Dogs have owners, cats have an equal relationship with you.
Uhhh, maybe I'm misinformed but I was told that the cats mentality is that they think they're superior to us :screwy:

Uhhh, maybe I'm misinformed but I was told that the cats mentality is that they think they're superior to us :screwy:
Cats act like they own us! man i sear to god my cat gives me the finger! It sits in my damn pillow licking its paws and it just stops and looks at me until i throw something at it! At least with the dog if i told it to get off it would, the cat hell i HAVE to throw something at it before it will even move. It is so god damn ignorant! I wish I could just shoot it with a little more than my paintball gun!

Ghostguy is so Angry...Is There anything that you do like? I personally have grown up with dogs and cats in my house. They both have their own Personality and Both make great pets. I bought a Jack Russell Puppy four years ago when he was 5 months old, He is extremely smart and obedient. He comes along camping and fishing, he doesnt need to be on a leash, he stays right by my side and understands commands, Pets are only as good as the owners who train them. I prefer to have a dog, when is the last time you took your cat for a run around the lake?? but by no means should anyone beat their pets! cause they dont like them.. If you cant control your anger and take it out on a defenseless animal then that makes you The worlds biggest Pussy...
-Jimmy

Ghostguy is so Angry...Is There anything that you do like? Yes there is lots that I like! Im just in a really pissy mood right now if you want to know whysee this tread (click here) (http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=236876) For what it is worth I dont beat the cat i just throw stuff at it! Id actually like the cat if it werent so cocky! That cat just always picks the worst time to get in the way!

When people say they hate cats because you can't control them, I see them as insecure power-mongers. Just because someone doesn't listen to you makes you not like them? Interesting.

Personally, I like both. Cats are always good entertainment. A friend of mine had a cat that always got stoned from second hand smoke, and the thing was like gumbi while high. You could move his body into any position, and he'd stay and like it. I have a picture if anyone cares.

^^^LOL!! Post! POST!

Cats act like they own us! man i sear to god my cat gives me the finger! It sits in my damn pillow licking its paws and it just stops and looks at me until i throw something at it! At least with the dog if i told it to get off it would, the cat hell i HAVE to throw something at it before it will even move. It is so god damn ignorant! I wish I could just shoot it with a little more than my paintball gun!


If I were your cat I'd give you the finger too...

I tried to train our cat like you would train a dog, on a bet with El Mum.

I lost.

^^^LOL!! Post! POST!

http://img51.photobucket.com/albums/v156/prelewd/louisscat.jpg

I don't know how you can't like cats after this one..