Problems in my Life

I'm not very well known around here, mostly since I prefer to read and only post when the iron is hottest, but I feel that you folks are likely the most impartial group I'll ever find. So I present my troubles to you.

Since my situation evokes strong feelings on both sides, I will try to keep this as objective as I can, though it may run a bit long. Be prepared.

My wife works as a residence life coordinator for a large university in the southern U.S. An RLC is someone who has responsibility for one or more dormitories on campus. Here, there are three RLCs, one for Camp Hall, one for Denman and Hixson Halls (my wife), and one for Rast Hall.

As is true with every profession, people on the same job level tend to become peers quickly. My wife and the RLC from Camp Hall, who will hereafter be known as Adam, became friends because of a variety of reasons, including political views, professional views, and just plain old personality reasons.

Adam is a bit of an odd bird. His interests would ironically put him on par with me, since he is a bit of a techno geek as I am. There is a better than even chance that he is gay, being that his father is openly such, and he has other quirks that would suggest homosexuality. This may not be an important point yet, but my reason for its inclusion will be clear later on. He is also very narcoleptic with an insane sleeping schedule, a factor which will also be important later on.

Since my wife and Adam have become friends, she has started spending more and more time at his apartment. My wife doesn’t have anything approaching a normal work schedule, since RLCs must be available most any time of the day or night, so her being at home with me is touch and go at times. Lately though, she’s taken up going over to his apartment in the evening and staying there all night long.

Her reasons for this are fruitful in their quantity. Since he’s narcoleptic, his sleep patterns are badly off. He is on a large amount of meds, both for sleep and for awake, making it hard for him to sleep at regular times. He uses weekends as “med free” days, meaning he basically sleeps the weekends away. Her reason (excuse?) is that since they both work all day and he doesn’t sleep at night, the night is the best time for them to hang out. She also uses the “you can’t control me” line with frequency.

Needless to say, this makes me very uncomfortable. Feelings on the subject range from white-hot rage to deep depression, with every conceivable emotion in between. I have tried to talk to her about this, explaining how this makes me feel, and all I get are more of her excuses, sprinkled liberally with the “you can’t control me” line; the old fallback.

I’ve gone as far as to tally up the hours she spends with him versus the hours she spends with me, and for this past week at least, he has me beat nearly two to one. This has led me to the most depressing thought: that she feels her own freedom to do as she pleases is more important than the sanctity of our marriage.

Since this is “stress release”, I guess I’m not looking for any specific answers or advice, but if any of you might have any, they’re quite welcome to give them. Thx for the space.

though you may disregard this post because its coming from "some 17 year old kid", i would do the same thing she is doing....

FIRST OF ALL IT IS TOTALLY unacceptable for her to be spending time like that with ANYONE ELSE, even if it was a girl-friend.

and second, you just dont do that when you are married.....where is your proof that she is not having sex with the guy?

you cant control me?? suck my fuckin dick DIVORCE in 3 seconds....

it looks like you are getting played by your wife man...and its not cool how shes treating you...

"you cant control me"

i would bitch slap the girl seriously....thats not something you say to your husband when you go off at night and spend more hours per week with another guy than your husband

obviously looks like the marriage is about to fall apart and that she does not care about you so im saying do the same thing im sure you will find some girl or at least fake it and go to a friends house....

Divorce is a bad answer to a bad situation.I have been in a similar situation,it's frustrating when work oand work friends appear to be more important than a partner.Jealousy is understandable,but the 'You can't control me' attitude is not really acceptable.My reply in such a situation has been,'I'm not trying to control you,I'm just trying to work out a way forward for our relationship'.Marriage is a commitment not to be entered into lightly.Perhaps you should take the initiative and suggest that if she wants to see this guy out of work hours,he could come visit her at your place more often.

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like something else is going on, IMO. But I could be wrong. It just doesn't make sense that someone you love and is suppose to love you wants to spend time elsewhere. The first thing I suggest is that you try and sit down and talk to your wife. Let her know before hand that you want to talk to her about somethings. If that doesn't work or goes sour, talk to your in-laws. If you feel comfortable of course. I hope that guy is gay for your sake.

I hope the best for ya man.

Yeah try to work it out. And the "you can't control me" thing was a pretty ride thing to say. It's not a matter of control, its a matter of respect and trust. Just tell her that you are starting to feel disrespected and are losing your trust. And i bet she never has time to talk, huh?

<sigh> I'm never going to get married.

Im sry to say that I dont have any advice for you, I just want to say that im sry that your going through this kind of shit. I can imagine that it isnt fun.

I deeply appreciate all of the comments and well-wishes given. All are welcome, and all are read and considered.

Not 20 minutes after posting this, she and I sat down and had a talk. It seems that the main reason for all this is that she felt lonely and this fellow is the outgoing, not-a-bit-of-shy-to-me type that makes her feel the center of attention. I think the "you can't control me" crack was more of a smokescreen than anything else.

It seems, looking back now, that I've been less than sociable lately, to her and anyone else. I am not the most outgoing person in the world, and I think she sees this fellow as much as a girl-friend, someone to go clubbin' with and watch movies with.

Mr T., I fully intend to suggest a more even distribution of locale for their friend time. Hell, if he's as much of a nerd as what little of him I've seen leads me to believe, I might just get to know him better than she. Besides, it surely wouldn't hurt to put the fear of God into him, or at least the fear of me. :nono:

Keep 'em comin guys, all perspectives are unique and welcome.

Edit: Things I forgot to include, or that may be relevant:
-We've been married for 4 years, and up to this point all has been rosy.

-Activities in these nocturnal gatherings are rarely restricted to just the 2 of them. There's usually a third or even a fourth there too, and the goings-on are things like watching movies and playing videogames.

my idea: i it totally wrong for her to sleep over at his place...ever, gay or not. Think about it, if your mother was to sleep at a guys house, how would you react? That is what concern me the most.

EXACTLY what is this FUCKIN BULLSHIT??

watching MOVIES PLAYING VIDEOGAMES??

thats what you do LATE NIGHT WITH PEOPLE IN THE BLANKETS CUDDLING AND SHIT EATING CHIPS AND MUFFINS

UNACCEPTABLE TOTALLY

dear god i hope he is gay because it would hurt even me to hear something "bad" happen

!

Can she prove he's gay or did she tell you that to put your mind at ease? I would hire a private detective to make sure you're not getting sloppy seconds, seriously. I didn't think it would ever happen to me either, but girls lie and cheat. Good luck

Personally, I would ignore the majority of the advice in this thread and start focusing some attention of your own on your wife. Make 'dates' with her, make her feel special, have time that is just for the 2 of you etc. :)

:rolleyes:

anyway i think that thats pretty bad.. i mean god uve both made a commitment.. but she probably is being strongly failthful to you, but then again, at the same time youre feeling left out. Which is, of course a realyl depressing feeling, like you mentioned yourself.
4 years is a long time for a young couple. You are just starting to face the different aspects of marriage, and it will not only sometimes get worse, but then again it might aswell help you understand eachother.
Marriage would be like a roller coaster.. i mean i mnot married but frmo what i can put it, it sure is.
Allthough the only suggestion/advice i can offer you to is get her to sit down with you and talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and keep her attention and affection. That way shell know for sure that nothing is ever a waste of time. Think about it, you just need to relveal your feelings and let her know.

on the "you cant controll me" topic.. it is a bit out of hand. she is probably having a lot of fun out, and not realising how it is for you. obviously.
that would surely hurt, but you also need to let her know that. let her know it bothers you. and see what her reaction. See if she responds the same.
Youre probale better off talking to someone tahts been through it. Someone thats much older and thats married. im pretty sure they'd be able to tell you more than this.
Hopefully it will work out. its hard to tell, because i havent been in your shoes yet. So let us know how you go
good luck mate

Personally, I would ignore the majority of the advice in this thread and start focusing some attention of your own on your wife. Make 'dates' with her, make her feel special, have time that is just for the 2 of you etc. :)

Since i cant come up with any of my own advice ill just agree with Oz. If shes doing this to get attention then give her what she wants. Give her more attention than the gay guy and she will be with all always.

Well, let's see. Further developments have occurred.

I have a temper, and a pretty bad one at that. It has even been described by some as "life rage", an interesting bit of terminology indeed.

It seems that, upon further discussion with the wife on the subject, that my anger issues are a large part of this current state in her mind. Last Saturday, I bacame more angry at her over her nocturnal ramblings than I ever have, and while it was justifiable anger, it caused her to go off to stay away the night again, all the while telling this little creep everything I said or did.

I wonder if I can get rid of this guy, by fair means or foul. Time to find out.

i definetaly want to see the outcome of this

It seems, my friends, that my ride is over.

It is a very bad time to have this happen. I wish I did not have to deliver this news, but it is my duty. Therefore I must inform you that my marriage of 4 years is going to end.

Reasons are many and varied, but the primary reason seems to be unhappiness on my wife’s part in our relationship. This is apparently something that she has been feeling for a long time, possibly as soon as the first year. She nonetheless soldiered on in what appears too be a feeling of responsibility to make sure I got out into the world alright.

My feelings right now are tumultuous. I feel angry, disappointed, resigned, and a host of other emotions too jumbled to name. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but I do know a few things.

First, I will have a roof over my head until such time as I can find a place of my own to live. She has promised me that she still cares too much for me to simply send me out into the cold night, so I will have some time to arrange myself and my possessions.

I think, or at least I hope, that there will be no protracted legal wrangling over stuff. She’s willing to be as amiable as possible over the things that we own. Even with that, I have no idea how long it will be before I can get back on my feet.

I do plan on keeping with this board, as I don't think my interests will change dramatically after this, but I cannot say if I'll even have internet access after this is done with. Hell, I can't even say what Christmas will be like.

The lesson to be learned from all of this is that for God's sake, listen to your significant others. Let there be nothing held from each other, make sure that every unhappiness is resolved. Otherwise, you might find yourself in my shoes, and I can tell you right now, that's not a very grand place to be right now.

Sean “2-7” Clayton

It seems, my friends, that my ride is over.

It is a very bad time to have this happen. I wish I did not have to deliver this news, but it is my duty. Therefore I must inform you that my marriage of 4 years is going to end.

Reasons are many and varied, but the primary reason seems to be unhappiness on my wife’s part in our relationship. This is apparently something that she has been feeling for a long time, possibly as soon as the first year. She nonetheless soldiered on in what appears too be a feeling of responsibility to make sure I got out into the world alright.

My feelings right now are tumultuous. I feel angry, disappointed, resigned, and a host of other emotions too jumbled to name. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but I do know a few things.

First, I will have a roof over my head until such time as I can find a place of my own to live. She has promised me that she still cares too much for me to simply send me out into the cold night, so I will have some time to arrange myself and my possessions.

I think, or at least I hope, that there will be no protracted legal wrangling over stuff. She’s willing to be as amiable as possible over the things that we own. Even with that, I have no idea how long it will be before I can get back on my feet.

I do plan on keeping with this board, as I don't think my interests will change dramatically after this, but I cannot say if I'll even have internet access after this is done with. Hell, I can't even say what Christmas will be like.

The lesson to be learned from all of this is that for God's sake, listen to your significant others. Let there be nothing held from each other, make sure that every unhappiness is resolved. Otherwise, you might find yourself in my shoes, and I can tell you right now, that's not a very grand place to be right now.

Sean “2-7” Clayton

wow so sorry to hear that... it made me sick in the gut reading your post..
hope things really do turn out right .. hmm

let us know how things go. ure still young, and have lots ahead of you. jsut try to focus on settling yousrelf with things.
hmm,

That honestly bring a tear to my eye. What a cold heart...during xmas. Well sean, you seem like a really nice, understanding, and caring gentleman from your posts. I'm sure everything will eventualyl work out for you in the future.

Best Wishes,

Sebastian

More stuff!

On the advice of legal preparedness, I have opened myself my own checking account and diverted my direct deposit into it. I've done this so that if things do go irreperable, I'll have at least a little $$$ that is mine to start with until I can get my money from the joint account.

On the other hand, if things get better, it's easy to close the account and reassign the DD info, so no worries there either.

I've also been advised personally by my officemates, who themselves are remarried divorcees, to make damn sure to advise the wife of my position in all this and that this is for sure what she wants. If that be the case, I want to try a separation of kinds, to give her a feel of what life will be like without me as her 'safety net'. Even if that 'separation' starts out as nothing more than me staying at my parents house for Christmas and she at her Mom's.

It's become quite apparent to me that she never really grew up, at least not in the way that she needed to. If the cards fall that way, I can try to help her with that as her husband. If they fall the other way, then she'll have to learn to function without someone to come home to.

Either way, at this point some hard decisions have to be made, and the two of us have to make them together. I shall try to keep posted.

Yet another update....2 for 1 sale day.

We have decided to amicably separate. This means we will remain married, just live with our respective stuff in different places.

We have also agreed that all bets are off on behavior, more or less. As in, we do what we want, or who we want, so to speak. The only thing neither of us will be able to do is to marry someone else until we fully divorce.

Since we only own the vehicles as our assets, and I plan on getting them switched over to single ownership tomorrow. this should be fairly easy.

More later, as it develops.

Man. I am really sorry. I know somehwat how you feel, except my case was with a 7 month girlfriend not a 4 year wife. I'm really sorry dude.. i wish there was something more i could do :(

ssshhhhiiitttt........ ddaaaaammnnn


wwwahhhhhttttt

unbelievable is all i have to say man

unbelievable

and 4 more words...

keep your head up, and no advice form me because no experience from me....ddaamm

when i read it i was like daaammmmm what the heeeeellllllll

it was like woah, what the hell? keep us updated.....

Been away for awhile, so might be a long update.

I've been using the last week or so to try and get things off and started for me. My family and friends have been invaluable with this.

I've just found out that my application for an apartment has been approved, and that I am cleared to start moving in this coming Friday. Thus far, I've gotten my truck taken care of and solidly in my name only, my bank account established and my money transferred, help lined up to move my few posessions into my new place, a cellphone of my own so I cal be in contact until my phone is turned on, most of the utilities set up to be activated, and I've been using the time before Friday to separate my things from hers and get them in one place to move.

As far as the woman herself is concerned, she just keeps getting nuttier. Her mother came to visit this week, and she has gone as far as to have the two of them sleeping over at this Adam guy's apartment. I suspect she's afraid I'll say something that will shatter the carefully crafted story I'm sure she's made up. I have slept alone for almost a week straight now.

In my packing of things, I have come across myriads of notes, letters, and drawings made by the woman, and reading them, have begun to feel more and more strongly that there has to be something seriously wrong with this person. The letters I read are from a kind, loving wife that knows how good a position she's in and that lvoes her husband and appreciates all he does for her. Those words do not jive with the person she has become in the last month or so.

In the meantime, information is ammunition, and I have been trying to sow land mines around for her to trip over. I've been telling mutual friends of ours how she's been acting, and they're almost universally behind me on this. If they can get her to tell them things that she wouldn't tell me, I can use such things against her if they become necessary. I also have a tidbit of info that is explosive enough to get her little friend terminated if it's spoken in the proper ear.

I have a lot to do, in short, but am alright and getting better. Thanks for all the well-wishes, folks.

im really curious as to what she is doing and is this guy gay, or if they are together or not??

this whole situation is weird

and when are you going to get DE-married?

looks like your on track with your life though, so its all good

Well, it's been 4 weeks since I moved in, and things are clicking along.

I have made my apartment into a decent approximation of a single man's home, which means it's a bloody mess. :icon16: Still, it's a good place to sleep at night, and with every hour I spend in it it feels more comfortable.

As far as the woman who put me there goes, I went back to her apartment last Thursday to grab some stuff I'd forgotten. (I still have my key, haven't given it back yet. :evillol: ) She wasn't there, so I let myself in, got my stuff, then decided to take a look around.

Bottom line: I've been replaced, it seems. All the pics of me are gone, and in places they've been replaced with pics of him and her. Sad night, that was.

Right now, I don't know exactly what action is best to take next. For certain reasons related to my job, it'd probably be best not to divorce her quite yet, and there's always the old saw of giving someone plenty of rope with which to hang herself. I suppose at this point, concerning her, I'll watch carefully and wait.

But for me, I'm making my life as close to what I want it to be as I can, and that means living it fully. Onward!

Sean,

For what it's worth man (although in your last post you didn't ask for input, after reading the history I wanted to anyway), I'd suggest you proceed with the divorce. I don't see that there's any likelihood of the relationship being resurrected from what you've written in this forum, and I can't see that it's psychologically healthy for you to not get this aspect of your life tied up, so to speak.

I *am* married, and have been for two years. I was exclusively involved with my wife for two years prior to that, so we've been together for four years total. I can say categorically that if I was treated like you were, she would have been packing her things after the first conversation finished up with "you can't control me". Kudos to you for having the fortitude and belief in the sanctity of marriage to keep going. My heart goes out to you - most of the men on here can probably relate to your situation, at least in some small way, as we've all been treated by women just like you have at some point in our lives.

The bottom line is: I'd get rolling on down the road with your life. Sever your ties and move on - if by some amazing chance, the relationship rekindles, then let it be, but there's no reason to not proceed with the divorce proceedings for the time being. While it may not seem possible to believe right now, as soon as you move on to taking over your life as an individual, you will begin to slowly feel better.

Regarding the comment you made about your anger, it couldn't hurt to seek counseling and/or a licensed therapist's assistance in dealing with your anger. Anger is not a healthy condition either, and while "only" psychological, it can influence many physiological conditions when present in abundance. I'm not sure where exactly you live, but most localities have free and/or low cost counseling organizations that may be able to help you. If indeed it was a reason for this relationship to fail (and I'm not saying it was - just that your ex-wife's comments indicated that she believed it was), it may contribute to a lack of success in future relationships. Can't hurt to get it checked out.

Take care of yourself, and my best wishes for a happy, healthy future.

JM

glad to see your doing ok man . Im about to get married in august and I hope things go better for me. Its kinda depressing hearing all these bad stories of failed marriage . I dont think I have to worry about my woman running around on me as shes kinda the anti-social and all the friends we have are friends of mine pretty much. She just wasnt the one for you I guess , youll find the one tho. Take care of yourself man.

Sean,

For what it's worth man (although in your last post you didn't ask for input, after reading the history I wanted to anyway), I'd suggest you proceed with the divorce. I don't see that there's any likelihood of the relationship being resurrected from what you've written in this forum, and I can't see that it's psychologically healthy for you to not get this aspect of your life tied up, so to speak.

I *am* married, and have been for two years. I was exclusively involved with my wife for two years prior to that, so we've been together for four years total. I can say categorically that if I was treated like you were, she would have been packing her things after the first conversation finished up with "you can't control me". Kudos to you for having the fortitude and belief in the sanctity of marriage to keep going. My heart goes out to you - most of the men on here can probably relate to your situation, at least in some small way, as we've all been treated by women just like you have at some point in our lives.

The bottom line is: I'd get rolling on down the road with your life. Sever your ties and move on - if by some amazing chance, the relationship rekindles, then let it be, but there's no reason to not proceed with the divorce proceedings for the time being. While it may not seem possible to believe right now, as soon as you move on to taking over your life as an individual, you will begin to slowly feel better.

Regarding the comment you made about your anger, it couldn't hurt to seek counseling and/or a licensed therapist's assistance in dealing with your anger. Anger is not a healthy condition either, and while "only" psychological, it can influence many physiological conditions when present in abundance. I'm not sure where exactly you live, but most localities have free and/or low cost counseling organizations that may be able to help you. If indeed it was a reason for this relationship to fail (and I'm not saying it was - just that your ex-wife's comments indicated that she believed it was), it may contribute to a lack of success in future relationships. Can't hurt to get it checked out.

Take care of yourself, and my best wishes for a happy, healthy future.

JM


i agree with dynwolf...move on man. she has moved on and i think its time for you to do the same...its time. there is no other valid reason i can see why you still have to hold on to your marriage. it may hurt the both of you but mostly you on your part but time will heal.

move on and time will heal you.

:(

i got that face when i heard the pictures have been replaced

good luck to you, and keep us updated

Sean,

I have read this entire post, and I do hate to break it to you, you slowly turned your wife over a long period of time... like a couple years. Man, I found this one book called "The system" by Doc Love... just google search it... that book is worth every penny, and this divorce s*** will never happen again.... I think all men have felt to some degree what you went through... I hope you have the best of luck, maybe I'll play you on Mechwarrior someday... (saw the mad cat )

I think you are on the right track here. It takes two to make up a relationship, so she is likely seeing him because she lacks something with you. I am sure it was not always this way, given the 4 years together.

The goal , of course would be to regain whatever the two of you had that encouraged you to get married in the first place.

Don't get mad. Get a commitment from her that the two of you need to rebuild your life together, and go from there. It sounds as if her job is brutal. Shift work has ruined marriages in the past just for this reason.
It is doubly worse when she is on call all the time.
Suggest she gets a more stable 9-5 job, where you and her both have evenings free. Spend time together and whatever you did together brfore things went bad.
Consider a marriage counsellor, too.

Sorry to hear about your marriage. I'm not married or divorced but I've had some older friends who have gotten divorced... here's what I think they would say:

I would do two things asap...

1) Talk to a divorce lawyer, even if you are not certain about divorcing. As you said, information is ammunition. Have the divorce lawyer refer you to a...
2) Therapist.

Some guys seem to think this is your fault. If the marriage doesn't work out, that's something that both of you share in. Both of you want it to work, but at some level, as a couple you are not capable of this type of relationship.

Infidelity is another fish altogether. If her needs were not being met it is her responsiblity to make you aware of them. Sleeping with another guy is not acceptable, in fact it's technically not legal in most states.

Take it a day at a time but keep moving. Keep doing what is routine for you as that will be the greatest source of solace. Avoid things or people that make you sad, hang out with some single guys and enjoy life sans wife... it is still very good.

Thanks for the fresh replies, y'all. It's nice to know folks still care in this old world.

It's pretty much inevitable at this point that we will be divorcing. She served me papers last Wednesday, intending for me to sign them right then and there. She was quite upset that I did not.

And I don't intend to, certainly not until they read how I want them to read. She is trying to make me pay for half of the filing fees, and I most certainly will not. I proposed the separation to try and give her time to get her head on straight, and it took her just shy of a month to figure she didn't want to be a wife anymore, period. She wants the divorce, therefore she pays for the damn thing.

I am in the frame of mind right now that I want this crazy woman out of my life, but not so urgently that I agree to anything to have it done. There's not anything I want to do that I can't do because I'm still legally married, so I'm going to take the time to get it right.

She's going to do them papers like I agree to, or she'll just have to suffer with me.

if i were i would give her as much hassle with the divorce as i could. itwould be just a small way to pay her back

Here I am, back to stir stuff up.

First, to address some things. At this point, the divorce is all but done with. The papers have been signed (after they were altered to my satisfaction, of course) and the 30 day wait is ticking down.

Second, I'm not sure I'd ever want to do anything with this bitch again. I shall relate yesterday to you, and let you decide.
Since we would make the trip home to see our folks fairly regularly, we would occasionally leave items at either one of our parents' houses, intending to get them later. She had left a small lapel pin relating to one of her many work activities at my folks' house, and being that I wanted every trace of her out of that building, I decided to get it and give it back to her.

I got to her office yesterday after work, and handed her the pin. She then, being the chatterbox she is, proceeded to tell me all about what she'd been up to, including a plane trip to Florida with the guy she'd been spending so much time with, for a weekend, to see the Cirque de Soleil. Stayed in one hotel room and everything.

Granted, I should not be surprised about anything she does anymore. Still, the divorce is not yet final, and it is disconcerting to me and disrespectful of her to act like such a little whore. I had a short talk with her about this, and she simply is incapable of seeing any other point of view but her own, which is that everything she does is okay.

I think I'm going to end up hating the sight, sound, and very mention of this woman for a long time. And if I ever lay eyes on her little buttfuckin' boyfriend....

Anyway, that's the news from my end of the world. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.

Sounds like things are going good for you now. I read about half of your first story and thought this bitch was cheating. then i thought i would give her the benefit of the doubt and read the rest of the sory..only to conclude that the bitch was cheating.
and to the 17 year old that said to smack the bitch, grow up. if you cant put a serious reply then keep it to yourself.
Man i only have one piece of advice for you.
go to a titty bar! have fun fuck her its about you now.

From a female point of view it sounds like she had been cheating on you for while before you two decided to get divorced. To bad that you divorce is almost final... Cause you could of take her for everything she is worth for abodoment of a marriage and for adultary as well and most judge's would see this in your favor since you did do everything in your power to make things work..

But anyway to late for that now.. I am really glad to see that you are doing well... and that you have your life starting back on track again.. Sounds like you have the right mind frame.. Hey if you want let me know where she works i will go beat her ass for you.. ha ha ha .. It does sound like she is a little girl who is refusing to grow up.. and one day she will realize that she did throw a good thing away.. she will be kicking herself in the ass for it.. cause there is no one to blame but herself.

And for you in your earlier threads you may want to go seek anger management if you get so angry that you have a hard time controlling youself.. Just for yourself and future girlfriends... Keep your head up though there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we all learn from our life experiences.. Just look at this as a lesson learned the wrong way.. Now you know what not to look for..

Good luck man and keep all of us posted~!!!!

I'm glad to hear things are moving right along for you. It still sucks that it all happened. I can kind of relate to your story from an outsiders point of view. My roomates parents got divorced and his mom is almost the same way. She's a damn cynical bitch and I hate her. She's so fake it makes me sick. And its even worse that she lied and is still lying to her kids. His dad is a great guy. All he got out of the divorce was the matress and his tools out of the garage. I hope you came out better than that.

I have to disagree with you, girlie97gt, on being able to take her to the cleaners. My roomates dad had all sorts of proof of her cheating on him, including a P.I., there is nothing that can really be done. He didn't get shit as I mentioned.

Anyhow, best of luck to you Atomis. Keep us updated.

Not really an expert on this, but if you can prove she cheated on you before the marriage was over, she won't get hardly any money. I dunno if she's trying to milk you or anything, but keep that in mind.

Like I said before.. i wish things didn't have to happen this way for you. You're truly living my (and your's too) nightmare. Best of luck man.

Thanks for the well wishes, guys.

Our divorce was as amiable as one could be, I guess. We basically did it in such way that there was no disputes on property unless both of us wanted it, and there was none of that.

I got away with a little more than a mattress and some tools, although I didn't get a mattress. :) There was no conflict over money, as we earned close to the same amount overall, so that required only a simple split of the bank account. My biggest task was to find a place to lay my head at night, being that I couldn't kick her ass out of our apartment because that apartment came with her job. I ended up finding a place relatively quickly, though, so that was all ok.

It helped immensely having family that jumped to make sure I had what I needed when I needed it, whether I realized I needed it or not. We moved me in one day, loading 3 pickups with my possessions, and did it without her even knowing I was doing it. Ninja movers. :D

Well, on to life! Conclusion coming soon, stay tuned.

man,... I feel for ya, fuck that bitch... The best thing you can do is this... cut off all contact with her, but stay in contact soem of her friends... Get back to the gym, and marry a super hot girl that treats you much better. After all this is squared away and done, just "happen to bump into her," by knowing wheer she will be, (because you are still on good relations with some of your mutual friends) and show her that you have a better chick, life, and better body than you ever did before.. rub it in her face.. revenge is sweet.. make her hurt by thinking," maybe dumping sean was a bad idea..." trust me, it will always make you feel better... and look at it this way, your 24, and SINGLE! You have a lot of time to get your life back together (at least your not say, 35 or 40...) but most of all, when you get back out into the dating scene (when your ready) remember why things turned out the way they did, and never, ever let it happen again... another lesson to be learned is, "always get out first.." Good luck, keep us posted.

yea you got your whole life ahead of you still. You're a free man!!! It may hurt but it would have happened sooner or later, better sooner so you wouldn't have custody battles...

My uncle just went through a painful divorce also, he was married to his wife for around 4 years similar to you, but he has a son. It is a really long story but basically it was a money issue thing, his wife's mom kept donating money to the church and kept wanting her son-in-law's money to give it to the church. Eventually he got fed up with it and tried talking to his wife to talk to her mom, well she got upset and told him that she can't trust him anymore because he's greedy and all about money. So they got divorced, and she has his son now :(. He pays child support every month, and including the special education that his son needs (a speech class). He pays a ridiculous amount, I don't remember, but I think it amounted to over $2000 a month. That would suck, not being able to raise and see your child grow...

publicenemy: man.. that just sounds like your uncles wife was using that as an excuse. I have very acute "bullshit excuse radar" for women.

just keep moving on , im glad the divorce went somewhat smoothly for you , just get back out on the scene and have some fun , thats all you can do man. Good luck

I did search, and did not find this. I also don't remember it coming up in my read-through of the OT archives a few months ago. So if it is indeed a repost, rest assured it's not for lack of trying.

Look here, fellow men, and see. NoMarriage.com (http://www.nomarriage.com/)

Yeah, where was this about 10 years ago.....:lol:

This guy is a looser and has no idea how to please his women..ive been married 4 years and have no problems with my wife...

I have to recuse myself...i just read the foreign wife page...i have one...lol

HELL YEAH! No marriage. Evar!

A cold bitter author.

"I wouldn't even consider dating an American women, the majority are bitchy prudes that only put out when they think they can cash in" haha. Wow. Describes my ex to the T. I used to think it was a coincidence that I got dumped around the same time I lost my source of income, my car, and all of my savings (which went to her). Hm....

A cold bitter author.

Perhaps... But right on the dot, imo. I've already vowed to myself never to get married... Now i'm getting even more ammo :D

edit - Read this. http://www.nomarriage.com/discussion.html

Hmph.

edit 2 - Heh.. read up on the statistics of how roughly 20% of fathers in "stabel monogamous relationships" aren't even the real fathers. Kinda makes me sick to my stomach, really.

A cold bitter author.

Ain't nuttin wrong with being cold and bitter after such things as has happened to folks like me and Steel. Helps to ease the burn a bit to see that we don't suffer alone.

What's sad is...some of it is true

You don't suffer alone - believe me. Without going into sordid detail about things that happened years ago - and that I've since dealt with - I'll just say that I can completely relate.

Live & learn. Know what to look out for next time... Take my word for it, there are good girls out there, they're just few & far between.

What's sad is...some of it is true

a vast majority of it is true, not just some. I can see my ex turning into exactly the kind of woman that's described in these webpages. Exactly. Especailly with the narccisstic and histrionic disorder.

It's just so painful to read this stuff, because if you would have asked me a year ago, i would have totally shot down all of this crap. Then it happened to me. Luckily enough for me, not through marriage, but now I know to avoid it like the plague. Save for one exception, I have not met one girl that doesn't fit into this perfectly. And that exception is a lesbian i know that is much more masculine than you're averagre girl. So basically she is a guy with girl parts. Not psycho. And still very attractive, for those reasons. No wonder I've got a crush on her, haha.

I try not to be prejudus twards anyone, but I ever met the dumass cunt that wrote that page/book whatever, I would have to clock that mutherfucker. hands down, the most ignorint peice of oposum shit that I have ever heard of!

sorry for all of the cussing, that guy just makes me so mad!

then you'd have to get through me first. Because i agree with a majority of what he says.

Sorry, but ruling out all relationships is as foolish as jumping in fully to the first one that comes along. :nono: This guy's page just comes off as bitter and scornful.

Sean, I'm very sorry to hear about your divorce, and I know you're very hurt by it. I wish you could have gotten this advice sooner, but here it is now, and it will blow your mind.

ACTUALLY, as I am typing this reply, I decided to go back and read your divorce-chronicle thread, and I actually found in that thread the answer I'm about to give you. The only difference is that this poster is not the salesman that I am, so you no doubt glossed right over his post... ;)

http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=1477517&postcount=30 (http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=1477517&postcount=30)

He's right. Whatever you did that attracted your wife in the first place must have been fine, but I'd bet dollars to donuts that once you were married, you stopped being a Challenge, and her interest level in you began to decrease. It was slowly running out like an hourglass, but neither you nor you wife knew how to recognize it for what it was. Once her interest level hit the 50% mark, you were toast.

You got fucked. What you didn't realize is how you helped to fuck yourself.

I do agree with that guy in that the agenda of feminism is doing far more damage than good, and that it's creating a set of double-standards where men are constantly getting the shaft. It's really just that no one will explain how to be a MAN in this day and age, and no woman can ever really explain what they REALLY want in a relationship, which is way they always seem to say one thing and do another.

Most guys have no clue how to deal with this apparent inconsistency, and they all think you either have to be the wussy always-friendship-bound nice guy or you have to be the jerk. Neither one is the right answer. The idea is that most guys get so blinded by their own attraction in a woman, they fail to pay attention to whether or not the woman is interested, and how interested she might be.

There are three things that women look for in men, and they can be summed up pretty simply:

1. Confidence
2. Control
3. Challenge

Confidence is made up of self-confidence and self-esteem. Control is made up of self-control, discipline, and patience. And challenge is simply that - not being a push over, not being predictable, and not ever being boring.

IMO, Challenge is the trickiest concept to grasp, but it really boils down to this: Never give a woman everything she wants. Never completely reveal yourself to her. Why not? Once she has everything, what's left? How do you keep from being boring? You can't, and she'll lose interest.

A man's goal in dating should be to find those women that: have a high level of interest in him, have a good attitude, have integrity, are givers, not takers, are flexible, and aren't naggers. The purpose in dating for a given amount of time is to weed-out all women who can't meet this criteria, and there will be many, many that don't. It's been said before, and I'll say it again, dating is a numbers game. You have to meet as many women as possible, because you never know when you'll find the "right" one.

I have to admit that I was recently introduced this same "system," but I've been unable to find any discrepancy between this 'system' and any of my personal experiences. I'm completely on board.

Anyway, I'll refer you to www.doclove.com (http://www.doclove.com/) . You'll see "the System," which is a book and set of CDs for $99. It sounds steep, and I'll admit I don't have it yet, but I will as soon as I can get $99 out of the house w/out the wife knowing...

Aside from that, the same Doc Love writes a weekly column for www.askmen.com (http://www.askmen.com/) , every Thursday. There's something like 200 articles archived that you can read for free. I urge you to read every single one, right now! You will pick up so much stuff you never knew you didn't know.

I'm sure I have more to type on the subject, but I have some work to do...

I'll be honest, Jay. I saw your post, and read through it no less than four times. Emotional response ran the gamut from confusion, to anger, to wariness, than ending at intrigue.

Thinking back, I can see your point(s). My apparent inability to see exactly why my wife did this to me has not changed, but this has given me a new point of view to work on.

What I'm taking from your post is that I let her get to know me too well, and this resulted in boredom and ultimately flight. Is that the gist of it? I'm not being confrontational, I'd simply like to know if I'm reading right here.