I propose a worst joke challenge to all!
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YogsVR4
10-21-2003, 01:34 PM
Its been some time since OZ posed his joke challenge to me (which I declared myself winner) :iceslolan
Considering all the poor excuses for humor certain individuals can bring out - I thought a bad joke-off was in the works. Allow me to start with this entry.
------------------------------------------------
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear- shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot ... it's ten past three in the morning!"
------------------------------------------------
Ok - now do your worst :evillol:
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Considering all the poor excuses for humor certain individuals can bring out - I thought a bad joke-off was in the works. Allow me to start with this entry.
------------------------------------------------
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear- shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot ... it's ten past three in the morning!"
------------------------------------------------
Ok - now do your worst :evillol:
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jon@af
10-21-2003, 01:44 PM
Did you hear about the two men from the monestary who started a fast-food/seafood restaurant?
One was a fish friar the other was a chip monk. :lol2:
One was a fish friar the other was a chip monk. :lol2:
YellowMaranello
10-21-2003, 02:22 PM
A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I might have gotten that off here originally, not sure.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I might have gotten that off here originally, not sure.
ci5ic
10-21-2003, 02:31 PM
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
I'll never part with it.
I'll never part with it.
YogsVR4
10-21-2003, 02:32 PM
Now those barely qualify as jokes….. good :iceslolan
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ac427cpe
10-21-2003, 02:42 PM
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef!
ground beef!
taranaki
10-21-2003, 02:44 PM
What do you call a Jamaican with Spaghetti on his head?
A Pastafarian. :icon16:
A Pastafarian. :icon16:
Shiftlock
10-21-2003, 02:45 PM
This is the official worst joke,it goes something like this.
Wanna hear a dirty joke,the horse fell in the mud.
It doesnt get any worst,I think.
Wanna hear a dirty joke,the horse fell in the mud.
It doesnt get any worst,I think.
taranaki
10-21-2003, 02:47 PM
Whaddya call a deer with no eyes?
no eye-deer.
no eye-deer.
taranaki
10-21-2003, 02:49 PM
Waddya call a dog with no ears?
Anything you like,he still won't come
Anything you like,he still won't come
YogsVR4
10-21-2003, 03:00 PM
Waddya call a dog with no ears?
Anything you like,he still won't come
current leader :iceslolan
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Anything you like,he still won't come
current leader :iceslolan
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ac427cpe
10-21-2003, 03:06 PM
hmmm... must try again
two guys walk into a bar, the second one should have ducked
wait... i think that was from AF....
two guys walk into a bar, the second one should have ducked
wait... i think that was from AF....
YellowMaranello
10-21-2003, 03:29 PM
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, and I'll hang around!
HAHAHAHA.....ugh
You go on ahead, and I'll hang around!
HAHAHAHA.....ugh
Marc-OS
10-21-2003, 03:34 PM
Why can't a bicycle stand up?
It is two tired.
It is two tired.
Suislide
10-21-2003, 03:36 PM
two fish are swimming side by side in the water when all of a sudden they run into a concrete wall. one turns to the other and says "dam..."
and damn you ac427! you stole one i had (sort of) this one:
two guys walk into a bar. you think one of them would've seen it.
a blind guy walks into a bar. he forgot his dog that day.
oh, and see my thread "That Sound..." about the coffin joke. :icon16:
and damn you ac427! you stole one i had (sort of) this one:
two guys walk into a bar. you think one of them would've seen it.
a blind guy walks into a bar. he forgot his dog that day.
oh, and see my thread "That Sound..." about the coffin joke. :icon16:
BigJustinZ28
10-21-2003, 03:59 PM
What do ya tell a woman with 2 black eyes ?
Nothing , ya done told her twice already.
Nothing , ya done told her twice already.
carrrnuttt
10-21-2003, 04:13 PM
Worst eVaR!
"How did the pirate rate the movie?"
"He said it was rated ARRRRRRR!"
"How did the pirate rate the movie?"
"He said it was rated ARRRRRRR!"
bdstbtch
10-21-2003, 04:34 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
fsh
--------------
What do the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common?
I see dead people, haha get it, icy dead people... :loser:
fsh
--------------
What do the Sixth Sense and the Titanic have in common?
I see dead people, haha get it, icy dead people... :loser:
sugarcaddy
10-21-2003, 05:23 PM
Whats green and red and runs a hundred miles a hour?
A frog in a blender....
:rolleyes::uhoh::rofl::grinno::iceslolan:screwy:
Scott
A frog in a blender....
:rolleyes::uhoh::rofl::grinno::iceslolan:screwy:
Scott
jon@af
10-21-2003, 05:40 PM
What was the man doing balancing on a hand rail at the airport?
He was going to Bangkok.
He was going to Bangkok.
jon@af
10-21-2003, 05:44 PM
What happened to the man running behind a car?
He got exhausted.
--------------------------------------------------
How are Star Trek and toilet paper alike? They both go to Uranus to wipe-out the Klingons. :lol2:
He got exhausted.
--------------------------------------------------
How are Star Trek and toilet paper alike? They both go to Uranus to wipe-out the Klingons. :lol2:
Toksin
10-21-2003, 06:37 PM
These two fish are in a tank
One turns to the other and goes, "So how the fuck do you drive this thing?"
Oh, and coffin joke > *
One turns to the other and goes, "So how the fuck do you drive this thing?"
Oh, and coffin joke > *
ac427cpe
10-21-2003, 06:38 PM
here we go:
if you are driving your canoe across the grand canyon, and you run out of gas... then how many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
HA! it was a trick question, there aren't any bones in the blueberry sherbert!
:naughty:
if you are driving your canoe across the grand canyon, and you run out of gas... then how many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
HA! it was a trick question, there aren't any bones in the blueberry sherbert!
:naughty:
solid
10-21-2003, 06:51 PM
did you hear about the dumb ghost?
he climbed over the wall...
hehehe
he climbed over the wall...
hehehe
Suislide
10-21-2003, 07:31 PM
a ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of schnapps. the bartender says "sorry mate, we don't serve spirits here."
TheNotoriousMogg
10-21-2003, 07:36 PM
Loomis: Does your dog have a license?
Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.
Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.
Suislide
10-21-2003, 07:37 PM
Toksin.
that's the joke...:dunno:
:thefinger
that's the joke...:dunno:
:thefinger
TexasF355F1
10-21-2003, 08:51 PM
I can't believe I'm actually chuckling at some of these. I use to know so many stupid ass jokes, but I can't remember any. Some of the ones I do know arent appropriate for AF.
YellowMaranello
10-21-2003, 09:08 PM
I saw this written on the wall at eye level above urinal:
What're you laughing at? The joke is in your hands....
What're you laughing at? The joke is in your hands....
taranaki
10-22-2003, 01:23 AM
What's green,got 6 legs,and would kill you if it fell on your head?
A snooker table.
Why are snooker tables green?
So would you be if you had that many balls and two guys were poking them with sticks.
A snooker table.
Why are snooker tables green?
So would you be if you had that many balls and two guys were poking them with sticks.
model_girl
10-22-2003, 01:34 AM
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Sorry, I wanted in too!
It was the chicken's day off.
Sorry, I wanted in too!
Toksin
10-22-2003, 05:59 AM
Toksin.
that's the joke...:dunno:
:thefinger
OMG OMG OMG ROFL LMAO OLOLZ!!!!1111oneone ROFLMAO ROTF WEIJHBSDFKJSDGKJBSGIWEP WO WTE LOLZIES!!!@$&!#@$#$
Seriously bro, I'm dying here.
that's the joke...:dunno:
:thefinger
OMG OMG OMG ROFL LMAO OLOLZ!!!!1111oneone ROFLMAO ROTF WEIJHBSDFKJSDGKJBSGIWEP WO WTE LOLZIES!!!@$&!#@$#$
Seriously bro, I'm dying here.
Cavallino
10-22-2003, 07:44 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
Matt.
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.
A Pubaa walks into a bar............
Matt.
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.
A Pubaa walks into a bar............
chevyfan305
10-22-2003, 08:22 AM
whats black, white, and read all over?
a newspaper
-------------------------------------
a newspaper
-------------------------------------
chevyfan305
10-22-2003, 08:23 AM
whats the fastest car on AF??
a CIVIC!!
a CIVIC!!
YogsVR4
10-22-2003, 10:04 AM
Ok boys and girls. Your pitiful attempts at the worse joke ever have met their match and then some. Everyone has gone for the short and not so sweet. Now step up and learn how to really let down your audience. :biggrin:
-------------------------
Two racing horses are getting ready to retire. Ned and Ted. They’ve known each other since they were young colts and have raced against each other at tracks all over the country. Sadly, Ned has never beaten Ted in years they’ve been racing.
The last three races of their careers were approaching. Ned sauntered up to Ted and said “Ted, I know you’re the fastest horse out there, but just once in my life I’d like to feel the thrill of victory. It would mean so much to me if you’d let me have the next race.”
Ted responded, “Sure Ned, I know you’ve worked hard all these years and you deserve your day in the sun.”
So the race day comes around. The gun sounds and their off. Its close out of the gate.
Its Ned in the lead.
Then its Ted in the lead.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned as they approach the finish line.
Ted gives one last sprint and wins by a nose.
After the race, Ned goes to Ted and asks “Why did you do that? I thought this one was going to be mine.”
Ted responded, “I’m sorry Ned, it was the competitor in me. I just got so wrapped up in the race, I just couldn’t stop myself. Listen. The next race is all yours. I’ll reign myself in and it’ll be your day to shine.”
Ned felt a bit better – heck whats the difference if he can get the next race as long as he can get one.
So the next race comes around. They nod to each other and the gun goes off.
Its Ned in the lead.
Then its Ted in the lead.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned as they approach the finish line.
Ted gives one last sprint and wins by a nose.
Now Ned is pretty mad. He stomps up to Ted and demands to know why he did that to him when he assured him that he would not.
Ted says “I’m really really sorry Ned. I just thought I should take this one last one. You know, my last day for glory. I know there is one more race and I figured I give that one to you. Sort of the best for last.”
Ned felt a bit better but left still feeling stung by Ted’s actions.
So the last race of their illustrious careers comes around.
Ned and Ted get into the starting gates.
Ned looks at Ted.
Ted looks at Ned.
Ted gives a knowing nod to Ned.
Ned smiles and waits for the gun.
Its fired. They’re off.
Its Ned in the lead.
Then its Ted in the lead.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned as they approach the finish line.
Ted gives one last sprint and wins by a photo finish.
Now Ned it rightly pissed off. He’s so mad at Ted that he swears he won’t speak with him ever again.
So many years go by. Though, they’ve been placed in the farm for years, Ned hasn’t spoken to Ted and Ted hasn’t spoken to Ned. The farmers golden retriever knew that Ned was upset at what Ted had promised and then reneged on. So he walked up to Ted. In a solemn voice he asked Ted, “Why did you do that to Ned? He just wanted one race. That’s all. You had been friends for so many years. Why wouldn’t you give him that one last race?”
Ted looks at the retriever then over to Ned and says “Look Ned, a talking dog.” :iceslolan
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-------------------------
Two racing horses are getting ready to retire. Ned and Ted. They’ve known each other since they were young colts and have raced against each other at tracks all over the country. Sadly, Ned has never beaten Ted in years they’ve been racing.
The last three races of their careers were approaching. Ned sauntered up to Ted and said “Ted, I know you’re the fastest horse out there, but just once in my life I’d like to feel the thrill of victory. It would mean so much to me if you’d let me have the next race.”
Ted responded, “Sure Ned, I know you’ve worked hard all these years and you deserve your day in the sun.”
So the race day comes around. The gun sounds and their off. Its close out of the gate.
Its Ned in the lead.
Then its Ted in the lead.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned as they approach the finish line.
Ted gives one last sprint and wins by a nose.
After the race, Ned goes to Ted and asks “Why did you do that? I thought this one was going to be mine.”
Ted responded, “I’m sorry Ned, it was the competitor in me. I just got so wrapped up in the race, I just couldn’t stop myself. Listen. The next race is all yours. I’ll reign myself in and it’ll be your day to shine.”
Ned felt a bit better – heck whats the difference if he can get the next race as long as he can get one.
So the next race comes around. They nod to each other and the gun goes off.
Its Ned in the lead.
Then its Ted in the lead.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned as they approach the finish line.
Ted gives one last sprint and wins by a nose.
Now Ned is pretty mad. He stomps up to Ted and demands to know why he did that to him when he assured him that he would not.
Ted says “I’m really really sorry Ned. I just thought I should take this one last one. You know, my last day for glory. I know there is one more race and I figured I give that one to you. Sort of the best for last.”
Ned felt a bit better but left still feeling stung by Ted’s actions.
So the last race of their illustrious careers comes around.
Ned and Ted get into the starting gates.
Ned looks at Ted.
Ted looks at Ned.
Ted gives a knowing nod to Ned.
Ned smiles and waits for the gun.
Its fired. They’re off.
Its Ned in the lead.
Then its Ted in the lead.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned.
Then Ted.
Then Ned as they approach the finish line.
Ted gives one last sprint and wins by a photo finish.
Now Ned it rightly pissed off. He’s so mad at Ted that he swears he won’t speak with him ever again.
So many years go by. Though, they’ve been placed in the farm for years, Ned hasn’t spoken to Ted and Ted hasn’t spoken to Ned. The farmers golden retriever knew that Ned was upset at what Ted had promised and then reneged on. So he walked up to Ted. In a solemn voice he asked Ted, “Why did you do that to Ned? He just wanted one race. That’s all. You had been friends for so many years. Why wouldn’t you give him that one last race?”
Ted looks at the retriever then over to Ned and says “Look Ned, a talking dog.” :iceslolan
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Atomis27
10-22-2003, 10:13 AM
:sly: Oh...God... :crying: ...the pain.... :chair: :swear: :thumbsdow ....that was horrible.....
JakeDrummer
10-22-2003, 10:23 AM
Q) What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A) You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
alright that one sucks, ba dam ba cssss. but if your a musician what so ever you'll get it. Here I've got one even better!!! :eek7:
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.
Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"
A) You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
alright that one sucks, ba dam ba cssss. but if your a musician what so ever you'll get it. Here I've got one even better!!! :eek7:
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.
Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"
YogsVR4
10-22-2003, 10:35 AM
:sly: Oh...God... :crying: ...the pain.... :chair: :swear: :thumbsdow ....that was horrible.....
As I said whe the thread started - I challenge anyone to beat that (I have a few more in reserve that will really want shoot me afterwards). :evillol::evillol::evillol:
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As I said whe the thread started - I challenge anyone to beat that (I have a few more in reserve that will really want shoot me afterwards). :evillol::evillol::evillol:
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chevyfan305
10-22-2003, 10:53 AM
:worshippyyogs:worshippy:worshippy
BigJustinZ28
10-22-2003, 11:07 AM
:sly: Oh...God... :crying: ...the pain.... :chair: :swear: :thumbsdow ....that was horrible.....
damn yogs that was the worst joke I have ever heard lol.
damn yogs that was the worst joke I have ever heard lol.
carrrnuttt
10-22-2003, 11:27 AM
As I said whe the thread started - I challenge anyone to beat that (I have a few more in reserve that will really want shoot me afterwards). :evillol::evillol::evillol:
I'll take ya on! ;)
A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia.
Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists.
After pressure from the visiting scientists' home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists.
After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot.
Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away.
The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist.
The head doctor then informed the search party, "I'm afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I'm afraid we don't have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?" The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, "Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us." The doctor nodded with understanding, "Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!"
I'll take ya on! ;)
A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia.
Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists.
After pressure from the visiting scientists' home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists.
After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot.
Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away.
The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist.
The head doctor then informed the search party, "I'm afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I'm afraid we don't have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?" The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, "Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us." The doctor nodded with understanding, "Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!"
carrrnuttt
10-22-2003, 11:30 AM
And for this one, I'll go for quantity, as opposed to quality :D:
_______________________________
Q. What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A. Lip gloss!
Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!
Q. What do you call an intelligent, beautiful, sexy, understanding woman?
A. A rumor!
Q. What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A. About eight beers!
Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
A. Her chain is too long!
Q. How is a wife like a diploma?
A. You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you aren't really sure what they are good for.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None! It should be opened by the time she brings it!
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you!
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink!
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something really smart?
A. When she begins a sentence with, "A man once told me!"
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't! There's a clock on the oven!
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course! He'll shut up once you let him in!
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told!
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced!
Q. What food has been discovered to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A. Wedding cake!
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to!
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her!
Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig?
A. Marry him!
Q. What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A. Jack!
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Ilene!
Q. What do you call a man hanging on the wall?
A. Art!
Q. Why do they call it P.M.S.?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
Q. Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them to remember which end to wipe!
Q. What is the difference between Mike Tyson and a rabid pit bull?
A. You can reason with the pit bull!
Q. What are the 3 fastest means of communication?
A. Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!
Q. Why are married men fatter than single men?
A. Single men come home, see what is in the fridge and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
Q. If a woman was hit by a motorcyclist, whose fault would it be?
A. The motorcyclist, of course! He should never have been riding his bike in the kitchen!
Q. What's the difference between teachers and wives?
A. Teachers tend to get a little behind at work. Wives get a big behind at home!
Q. How did the science teacher determine if his classroom's skull was from a male or female skeleton?
A. If the jawbone is wore down, it's definately a female!
Q. What is the longest sentence known to man?
A. I do!
Q. How are women like UFOs?
A. You don't know where they come from, what their mission is or what time they're going to fly off!
_______________________________
_______________________________
Q. What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A. Lip gloss!
Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!
Q. What do you call an intelligent, beautiful, sexy, understanding woman?
A. A rumor!
Q. What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A. About eight beers!
Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
A. Her chain is too long!
Q. How is a wife like a diploma?
A. You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you aren't really sure what they are good for.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None! It should be opened by the time she brings it!
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you!
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink!
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something really smart?
A. When she begins a sentence with, "A man once told me!"
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't! There's a clock on the oven!
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course! He'll shut up once you let him in!
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told!
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced!
Q. What food has been discovered to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A. Wedding cake!
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to!
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her!
Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig?
A. Marry him!
Q. What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A. Jack!
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Ilene!
Q. What do you call a man hanging on the wall?
A. Art!
Q. Why do they call it P.M.S.?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
Q. Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them to remember which end to wipe!
Q. What is the difference between Mike Tyson and a rabid pit bull?
A. You can reason with the pit bull!
Q. What are the 3 fastest means of communication?
A. Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!
Q. Why are married men fatter than single men?
A. Single men come home, see what is in the fridge and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
Q. If a woman was hit by a motorcyclist, whose fault would it be?
A. The motorcyclist, of course! He should never have been riding his bike in the kitchen!
Q. What's the difference between teachers and wives?
A. Teachers tend to get a little behind at work. Wives get a big behind at home!
Q. How did the science teacher determine if his classroom's skull was from a male or female skeleton?
A. If the jawbone is wore down, it's definately a female!
Q. What is the longest sentence known to man?
A. I do!
Q. How are women like UFOs?
A. You don't know where they come from, what their mission is or what time they're going to fly off!
_______________________________
Atomis27
10-22-2003, 11:31 AM
:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:
Cavallino
10-22-2003, 11:40 AM
Along the same lines as Yogs...
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Boy its hot in here." The other muffin looks at it and shouts "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both sit down at the bar and the guy buys the first round, the giraffe buys the second and so on. The night wears on and eventually last call comes around. By this time the giraffe, being the lightweight that it is, has passed out on the bar. The guy buys his last drink and starts to walk out of the bar but the bartender yells at him "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lying there!" The man turns around and yells back "Its a fucking giraffe, what do you want me to do?"
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Boy its hot in here." The other muffin looks at it and shouts "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both sit down at the bar and the guy buys the first round, the giraffe buys the second and so on. The night wears on and eventually last call comes around. By this time the giraffe, being the lightweight that it is, has passed out on the bar. The guy buys his last drink and starts to walk out of the bar but the bartender yells at him "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lying there!" The man turns around and yells back "Its a fucking giraffe, what do you want me to do?"
YogsVR4
10-22-2003, 12:04 PM
Ok - you guys are asking for it. :evillol:
Once there were two friends, Frank Fish and Sam Clam, who died on the same day. Frank went to Heaven, received a harp, and joined the Cloud Nine Harpers' Circle. Sam went to Hell, received a sax, and opened the Pandemonium Nightclub.
One day Frank said to the Archangel Gabriel: "You know, I really miss my old friend Sam. Could I, uh, go to Hell? Just for a visit?"
"Certainly," said Gabriel as he gave him a beeper shaped like a tiny silver trumpet. "Behind that green door you'll find a staircase that will take you straight to Hell. But you must return to Heaven IMMEDIATELY when the beeper goes off."
So Frank, harp in hand, soon found himself in Pandemonium. Being the Disco from Hell, it had a really hot house band. Sam was overjoyed to see his old friend, and soon the sax man and the harper were cooking with the band.
Without warning, a trumpet blast that would've made The Who sound like a lover's whisper shook the stage. Frank, startled, dropped his harp.
"What in Hell was THAT?" exclaimed Sam in the sudden silence.
"My beeper," Frank explained as he ran for the door. "I gotta go. See you in Heaven, I hope!"
Frank ran up the stairway to Heaven and opened the green door. The Archangel Gabriel was waiting on the other side.
"Say, Frank," said the puzzled Archangel, "where's your harp?"
Frank slapped his forehead with his hand in dismay.
"Oh, no," he moaned, "I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"
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Once there were two friends, Frank Fish and Sam Clam, who died on the same day. Frank went to Heaven, received a harp, and joined the Cloud Nine Harpers' Circle. Sam went to Hell, received a sax, and opened the Pandemonium Nightclub.
One day Frank said to the Archangel Gabriel: "You know, I really miss my old friend Sam. Could I, uh, go to Hell? Just for a visit?"
"Certainly," said Gabriel as he gave him a beeper shaped like a tiny silver trumpet. "Behind that green door you'll find a staircase that will take you straight to Hell. But you must return to Heaven IMMEDIATELY when the beeper goes off."
So Frank, harp in hand, soon found himself in Pandemonium. Being the Disco from Hell, it had a really hot house band. Sam was overjoyed to see his old friend, and soon the sax man and the harper were cooking with the band.
Without warning, a trumpet blast that would've made The Who sound like a lover's whisper shook the stage. Frank, startled, dropped his harp.
"What in Hell was THAT?" exclaimed Sam in the sudden silence.
"My beeper," Frank explained as he ran for the door. "I gotta go. See you in Heaven, I hope!"
Frank ran up the stairway to Heaven and opened the green door. The Archangel Gabriel was waiting on the other side.
"Say, Frank," said the puzzled Archangel, "where's your harp?"
Frank slapped his forehead with his hand in dismay.
"Oh, no," he moaned, "I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"
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Hudson
10-22-2003, 12:31 PM
What's green and says "I'm a frog?"
A talking frog.
A talking frog.
taranaki
10-22-2003, 02:55 PM
All was not well at the Toyota factory.Sam the welder had an acute personal problem.He broke wind. A lot.And when he did, it sounded strange.In fact if you didn't know Sam,you'd swear someone had just shouted 'Honda!'.
Naturally this was acutely embarrassing for Sam.After all it sounded like he was promoting one of the companies' fiercest rivals.Several times a day.In the canteen,on the shop floor,even in the lift,Sam would fanfare the opposition's name with a dull flat, monotonous regularity.His foreman was very good about it,makling sure that Sam was always busy elsewhere when the management were touring the plant,but Sam could not help it.He'd been to every doctor,every specialist,had all manner of medical instruments inserted into his orifice,but the doctors were baffled.
Then by chance he was talking to a new employee,an asian chap,when suddenly.."HONDA!"a trouser cough escaped,a bottom burp in his usual fine style.The new employee was horrified."Did you just yell Honda?"
So Sam told him the whole sorry,and the new guy said,"Go see my doctor,Doctor Sum Tin Wong...he's excellent,and if he can't cure you,he'll refund his fees."
So Sam pottered off to see Sum Tin Wong,not hoping for too much.He got to the office,sat down and started to tell his story...
Well Doc ,he said,I've *HONDA* got this flatulence problem*HONDA*.Every time I break wind*HONDA*............
Sum Tin Wong held up his hand....
"i UNDERSTAND,MY SON.Tell me do,when did you last see a dentist?"
Sam replied,"I don't like dentists,haven't been for years."
"Go see a dentist,then come back see me in a week."
Sam was bemused,but so far the advice had cost him nothing,and he'd tried everything else,so away to the dentist he went.
The dentist poked around,then said"Well,your teeth are in remarkable condition apart from the rear right molar,which has a nasty abcess underneath.Looks like it's been there quite a while.I'll pull that one out,and give you some antibiotics,and it should clear up in a couple of days."
A week later a very happy Sam bounced into SumTin Wong's surgery.His posterial problem had gone! He was blowing the traditional raspberry just like every other red blooded male!He could hold his butt up with pride at work,and break wind in front of management with merry abandon!
He asked the wise old doctor the secret."I've suffered this damn affliction for years.Ive been carved up,poked probed and prodded.My own doctor is more familiar with my backside than he is with his own.....how did you come up with such a brilliant diagnosis?"
Easy,said Sum Tin Wong,there's an old Asian proverb.....
Abcess makes the fart go "HONDA!"
Naturally this was acutely embarrassing for Sam.After all it sounded like he was promoting one of the companies' fiercest rivals.Several times a day.In the canteen,on the shop floor,even in the lift,Sam would fanfare the opposition's name with a dull flat, monotonous regularity.His foreman was very good about it,makling sure that Sam was always busy elsewhere when the management were touring the plant,but Sam could not help it.He'd been to every doctor,every specialist,had all manner of medical instruments inserted into his orifice,but the doctors were baffled.
Then by chance he was talking to a new employee,an asian chap,when suddenly.."HONDA!"a trouser cough escaped,a bottom burp in his usual fine style.The new employee was horrified."Did you just yell Honda?"
So Sam told him the whole sorry,and the new guy said,"Go see my doctor,Doctor Sum Tin Wong...he's excellent,and if he can't cure you,he'll refund his fees."
So Sam pottered off to see Sum Tin Wong,not hoping for too much.He got to the office,sat down and started to tell his story...
Well Doc ,he said,I've *HONDA* got this flatulence problem*HONDA*.Every time I break wind*HONDA*............
Sum Tin Wong held up his hand....
"i UNDERSTAND,MY SON.Tell me do,when did you last see a dentist?"
Sam replied,"I don't like dentists,haven't been for years."
"Go see a dentist,then come back see me in a week."
Sam was bemused,but so far the advice had cost him nothing,and he'd tried everything else,so away to the dentist he went.
The dentist poked around,then said"Well,your teeth are in remarkable condition apart from the rear right molar,which has a nasty abcess underneath.Looks like it's been there quite a while.I'll pull that one out,and give you some antibiotics,and it should clear up in a couple of days."
A week later a very happy Sam bounced into SumTin Wong's surgery.His posterial problem had gone! He was blowing the traditional raspberry just like every other red blooded male!He could hold his butt up with pride at work,and break wind in front of management with merry abandon!
He asked the wise old doctor the secret."I've suffered this damn affliction for years.Ive been carved up,poked probed and prodded.My own doctor is more familiar with my backside than he is with his own.....how did you come up with such a brilliant diagnosis?"
Easy,said Sum Tin Wong,there's an old Asian proverb.....
Abcess makes the fart go "HONDA!"
Atomis27
10-22-2003, 03:39 PM
oh.....God...... :banghead:
2of9
10-22-2003, 04:12 PM
wow..ok heres mine
knock knock
whos there
yoshi
yoshi who?
YO SHE gots a NICE car!!
knock knock
whos there
yoshi
yoshi who?
YO SHE gots a NICE car!!
Gafoto
10-22-2003, 05:13 PM
I'm disturbed that you people have put together 4 pages of crap that is quite simply....AWFUL!!! Nice work!
Suislide
10-22-2003, 06:07 PM
i don't get the Honda one...
carrrnuttt
10-22-2003, 06:37 PM
i don't get the Honda one...
Ever heard of the phrase:
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? ;)
Ever heard of the phrase:
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? ;)
ac427cpe
10-22-2003, 11:43 PM
obviously they've never seen the disney Robin Hood...
slave
10-23-2003, 12:00 AM
here we go:
if you are driving your canoe across the grand canyon, and you run out of gas... then how many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
HA! it was a trick question, there aren't any bones in the blueberry sherbert!
:naughty:
WANKER!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha.
Geez there's some bloody awful stuff in here!!!
Ok, here goes:
Q) How do you get a nun pregnant?
A) Dress her up as an altar boy!!!
if you are driving your canoe across the grand canyon, and you run out of gas... then how many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
HA! it was a trick question, there aren't any bones in the blueberry sherbert!
:naughty:
WANKER!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha.
Geez there's some bloody awful stuff in here!!!
Ok, here goes:
Q) How do you get a nun pregnant?
A) Dress her up as an altar boy!!!
taranaki
10-23-2003, 12:14 AM
What's Kermit the frog's middle name?
the.
the.
slave
10-23-2003, 12:19 AM
That was old and awful Mr T. Very fitting!! :)
OK then.....
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lucy.
Lucy who?
Lucy Lastic makes your pants fall down.
OK then.....
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lucy.
Lucy who?
Lucy Lastic makes your pants fall down.
Motor Eyes
10-23-2003, 01:13 AM
uuh.. lemme see.
one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's
one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you.
No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you
The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus
driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at
midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.
at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he
put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.
the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they
got it on for hours.
when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha"
I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.
one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's
one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you.
No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you
The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus
driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at
midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.
at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he
put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.
the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they
got it on for hours.
when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha"
I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.
chevyfan305
10-23-2003, 11:57 AM
this guy is dove hunting, and he shoots this bird in the air and it lands on an old guys farm land. the old guy just happens to be outside and he sees the bird land on his side of the fence. He walks over to the hunter:
old man: "thanks for the bird"
Hunter: "thats my bird, i shot it on my property, it just landed on yours, its mine!"
old man: "i dont care where you shot it, its on my property right now, but if you really want i will play a game with you. i hit you however i want three times, then you hit me three times. first person to give up loses the bird."
the hunter thinks he is an old guy, how bad can it hurt? so he climbs to the old mans side and says ok old man give me your best shot. first time the old man hits the young guy in the stomach. he gets alittle winded but hes ok. next the old man takes his belt off and smacks him in the face with his belt. the hunter almost caved then but he thought, ok, only one more hit. the old man takes a step back and kicks him REALLY hard in the nuts. this time the hunter went to his knees, but got up and said ok old man, my turn. the ol dman says thats ok im tired, keep the bird. and he walks away.:smokin:
old man: "thanks for the bird"
Hunter: "thats my bird, i shot it on my property, it just landed on yours, its mine!"
old man: "i dont care where you shot it, its on my property right now, but if you really want i will play a game with you. i hit you however i want three times, then you hit me three times. first person to give up loses the bird."
the hunter thinks he is an old guy, how bad can it hurt? so he climbs to the old mans side and says ok old man give me your best shot. first time the old man hits the young guy in the stomach. he gets alittle winded but hes ok. next the old man takes his belt off and smacks him in the face with his belt. the hunter almost caved then but he thought, ok, only one more hit. the old man takes a step back and kicks him REALLY hard in the nuts. this time the hunter went to his knees, but got up and said ok old man, my turn. the ol dman says thats ok im tired, keep the bird. and he walks away.:smokin:
RaceMySS_454
10-23-2003, 01:14 PM
What do you call a male moth's testicles
Moth balls
Moth balls
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