wtf. just... wtf

[vinnym86]

its one year of partying. one entire year of education gone to shit. $12,000 per semester down the tube. but you lived life like a king, you had your fun, you had your drugs, sex, 'n alcohol. You've had the disclosure at the end, reminicing the year's events, finding what you'd change to compromise your future with your present, and you went on with life.
So its another year. a year where you tried to take life seriously. where there was thought behind every action. you had your exams, your papers, and oh, a lack of drugs, sex, 'n alcohol. You're having a revalation now, again, looking back at the year, realising, "wow. life sux."

oh, to top that off...

so ex calls me up. couple hours of phone conversation, n i'm somebody that hates talkin more than 2 minutes on the phone, yet, i couldn't bring myself to hang up in the end. you look back at your life with your ex. party year. one good thing came out of that year that was productive beyond just having a good time, a real relationship. Made you miss it... terribly. so what, 1 year now? you look now, whats good. nothing. you try to play it sober, try to be someone you're not because you're too fucken hesitant. where do you end up? you end up making out with a girl you start to like. you end up starting to think, hey, i'm gonna have what i had last year, someone to actually share some emotions with, be it good or bad. next week you wake up you're buying another pack at the gas station and chaining that shit down cuz somehow you're at home, ignored by said person, and you're just wondering, wtf... she's going out with someone she just met? yeah, there's a slap in the face to your confidence. fuck that, forget confidence, i can pick myself up, i always do, its who i am, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm on 1 year now, alone. i mean, going to parties and flirting around, making out, and getting further with random pple is just me partying. pple are like that. not the best thing in the world, not exactly 'the right thing to do' when you're both drunk, cuz god knows i've woken up and regreted seeing who's bed i was in, but sometimes, its who i am, and it gives me my fix. but it doesn't fill that gap that i've missed out on an entire year. see, i'm a loving guy. i'm a nice all around person, i may be out there, experimenting with things that pple think are dangerous, enjoying substances now and then for my own reasons, yet still i'm not "a druggie" and have no persona affilliated to it, i'[m just a normal, happy guy, with an addictive personality, a flirt. and i've got this potential to be more, to be an even better person to someone, and i am, but the fact that there's no return emotion of equal caliber eventually pisses you off, and after a year of that, nah, that shit don't fly, son. you break from your laid back, "fuck it, shit happens" personality, you forget your life mantra that you swear by to just make the best of any situation and to come out as happy as you can, and you punch a FUCKING HOLE through your FUCKING BASEMENT DOOR and get shards of wood sticking out of your fucking knuckles. and after that, you get the worst thing of all. you calm down, and for the first time in God knows how fucken long, like a pussy, you choke up. you choke up, but you don't cry. you can't, you've literally forgotten, no fucking joke. cuz you envy those pussies who can, who can just get all that shit out with a pathetic 1 minute of wailing and tearing, and feel better, but you're just choked up, so you become more destructive. self destructive. you intentionally skip final exams that you can't make up, after an entire year of working your fucking ass off to raise your GPA from a 0.8 that got you kicked out of one university, that went up to a 1.9 after one semester, and was looking at a 3.0 at least this semester. you chain down packs like you're a fucking crack whore. you piss off your friends, you piss of your family, and you realise all that hasn't done jack shit to help anything.

so you breathe, try and fix everything, and end up swearing by your mantra once again. you light that last cigarette of that pack, go for a relaxing ride, pop in some Sublime, and come out of that piece of shit car feeling stable again, knowing one thing: you're good now. you're in that state of bliss you were in the entire year since your rockstar year of past, you're apathetic, and for all intents and purposes, just chillin with an arbitrary grin on your face. you're happy.

but you're still empty.

for someone who's always tried to 'preach' their mantra to their friends, family, and even strangers such as on these boards, its a real introspective moment when you need to look at it yourself and try and apply it. you go off in tangents in your mind that never seem to lead anywhere, and you're stuck just believing your word like a religious bigot. blindly trusting in simple semantics that theres a meaning that will guide you like an arrow to hapiness and bliss. But it works. so wtf.

edit:
honestly, if you read all that thoroughly, major creds. Really, i just needed to vent and get shit off my mind. and my mind is a fucking mess, with too many forks in the road, so if you were able to follow, then more power to you.

[v10_viper]

I read through all of that, and I can tell you my junior year in high school was that way...i fucked up a lot of shit big time, and not just myself really. But I'm graduated now and don't give a fuck, although if i had the chance, I'd go back to the beginning of my junior year and go through another 2 years of that shit to correct it. But oh well, can't say I'm happy with the results right now, grades coulda been better, I wouldn't have to worry about needing enough credits to graduate, I would have stayed in the same school I was although the school i graduated from was awsome, and i would have been with a girl that I could find no faults in, but taht all went down the shitter and it's the past. So fuck it, i'm gonna have fun this summer and then go to the Navy where I can leave all this shit behind.

[stoned_pimp420]

My advice: "Don't take life too seriously, noone gets out alive!!!!"

[vinnym86]

i really don't. i mean, i live by "well, fuck it... shit happens." I'm like your favorite Malibu Rum, seriously easy going. but i think i just exploded that day.

[-Davo]

I read through the entire post, vin, at first I wasn't sure what you were saying, by the end it was like I just watched one of the most emotional movies and felt like crying because I can see your point and understand what you're trying to say.

We have to make our own mistakes and learn them, but we can't prevent our selfs from making completely new mistakes, I guess from everything I've learnt from life and from the AF community is you can't bring your self down, there is always something that sets you free, I found it in Guiness, WoW, and new music.

[MBTN]

You only live once. You absolutely have to experience everything; the good and the bad.