Got Jokes? [mature]

[Damien]

The one taranaki posted was the best....but then the one about the blowjob was definently the runner up!

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck ONE goat . . . "

[crxlvr]

here are some

At an inner city all black high school, there were 3 finalists for a speeling bee, all three girls were looking fly as hell, and i mean gorgous.

"Contestant 1, spell DICTATE"
"DICTATE, D-I-K...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

"Contestant 2, spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-P...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

Contestant 3, the hottest of them all gets up.

"Spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"Amazing you got it correct. now to win the grand prize use it in a sentence."

"Oh that aint no shit, last night my boyfriends dic'tate so good i ate it all down"


A father and son are playing a game of catch outside and the son falls down hard and screams out "CUNT!!!"

"son, why did you say that? do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no what is it daddy?"
"come see me later tonight and ill tell you."

so the son comes to see the dad later on and asks him to tell him what it is.
"better yet son, ill show you."
so the father and son go upstairs to the master bedroom, where they sneak in on the wife masturbating on the bed.

"See son that is a vagina."
"then daddy, whats a cunt?"
"the rest of her"

[crxlvr]

here are some

At an inner city all black high school, there were 3 finalists for a speeling bee, all three girls were looking fly as hell, and i mean gorgous.

"Contestant 1, spell DICTATE"
"DICTATE, D-I-K...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

"Contestant 2, spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-P...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

Contestant 3, the hottest of them all gets up.

"Spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"Amazing you got it correct. now to win the grand prize use it in a sentence."

"Oh that aint no shit, last night my boyfriends dic'tate so good i ate it all down"

Another:

A father and son are playing a game of catch outside and the son falls down hard and screams out "CUNT!!!"

"son, why did you say that? do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no what is it daddy?"
"come see me later tonight and ill tell you."

so the son comes to see the dad later on and asks him to tell him what it is.
"better yet son, ill show you."
so the father and son go upstairs to the master bedroom, where they sneak in on the wife masturbating on the bed.

"See son that is a vagina."
"then daddy, whats a cunt?"
"the rest of her"

3 Questions

Originally posted by crxlvr
here are some

At an inner city all black high school, there were 3 finalists for a speeling bee, all three girls were looking fly as hell, and i mean gorgous.

1) Hmm...Speeling & gorgous?
Now who was in the spelling bee again?

Originally posted by crxlvr
here are some
"Contestant 1, spell DICTATE"
"DICTATE, D-I-K...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

2) Who is the judge?

Wait a minute, this is "an inner city all black high school", so teachers must speak like this.

Originally posted by crxlvr

"See son that is a vagina."
"then daddy, whats a cunt?"
"the rest of her"

3) Where is the humor in this?


Crxlvr, understand your desire to be funny but you can't offend people in the process and not get any laughs on top of that.

Hopefully you or a moderator will delete the posts.

[mhpspeed]

I thinkthisne is g its called "flat stomach":

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[taranaki]

Originally posted by Sham365
3 Questions



3) Where is the humor in this?


Crxlvr, understand your desire to be funny but you can't offend people in the process and not get any laughs on top of that.

Hopefully you or a moderator will delete the posts.

Note to Sham 365



Humor is subjective.Yours could be offensive to Scottish goat-molesters.

[Ssom]

haha Love the blowjob one

[tazdev]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[tazdev]

an oldie but a goodie

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[tazdev]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.":frog:

[tazdev]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[Damien]

One day this kid is wak=lking to school and another kid comes up behind him and throws a rock at him. The kid turns around and calls him a purple flower.

When the kid gets to school, the teacher asks what had happen this morning, since the other kid ran ahead and told on him.

The kid says some kid cam up behind him and he threw a rock at him so he called him a purple flower.

Teacher yells, " A PURPLE FLOWER!!!!! YOU'RE GOING TO THE PRINCIPAL"S OFFICE!!!!!!!"

When the kid gets there, the principal asks what happened. The kid tells the same story.

Principal replies, "A PURPLE FLOWER!!!!! YOU'RE SUSPENDED!!!!"

His mom comes and picks him up and asks what happened. He tells the same story.

Mom replies,"A PURPLE FLOWER!!!!!! WAIT TILL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!!!!"

His dad comes home and asks what happens. Kid says," Well this kid threw a rock at me and um...........I called him purple flower.

"WHAT!!!!!!! YOU"RE GOING TO BOARDING SCHOOL!!!!"

He goes and the day comes of graduation and the question is, how you got there.

"Well it all begin one day when um......a kid threw a rock at me and I called him a purple flower.

"WHAT!!!!!?????????!!!!!!! YOU"RE NOT GRADUATING!!!!!"

The kid walks gloomy across the road and a car comes and hits and kills him.

Moral of the story is..........look both ways before you cross the street. :evillaugh :evillaugh

Originally posted by Damien

Moral of the story is..........look both ways before you cross the street. :evillaugh :evillaugh

LOL:frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: