What Would This Be Considered..?

[solaris=amazing]

Hey, any writers or poets here..? Anyway, read what's below, and tell me what that would be considered.. I usually write stuff about anything, sadness, happy times, life etc.. But i don't know what you would classify this as..? Poetry..? Doesn't poetry have to rhyme and be in sync with its own body of writing..?

....Her Beauty....

Her Beauty captures me in a time when loss is all to vivid.. A dream that transforms her into a living portrait.. All the poets work cannot detail her deep eyes, eyes that capture my very soul. Her beauty is deeper then the deepest sadness of a thousand men. A simple glance and I was overcome by emotion...filled with desire.

A cold nights memories is what I will never forget.. Times of great disaster, washed away from her glance.. Dreams tell me of her beauty, a future of unknown wealth.. Remembering her soulful, sensual eyes brings me back to invision her orgasmic grasp..

Her eyes cut through me, stole, and gripped my heart and soul.. She will always echo in my dreams till death..and beyond..

Frank...

Comments..?

[solaris=amazing]

Don't be shy people :-)

[Mediocrity]

Poetry..? Doesn't poetry have to rhyme and be in sync with its own body of writing..?

No poetry doesnt.

Poetry doesnt have to have a structure nor does it have to rhyme.. its whatever you make of it.

[KustmAce]

Poetry = Raw emotion on paper

[eversio11]

A collection of tired cliches?

[Gohan Ryu]

Excerpts from a bad romance novel?

Sorry, I know you didn't ask to be critiqued but it reads like lovesick drivel.

You should watch Def Poetry Jam - most of that shit doesn't rhyme or flow, but they recite their poetry with anger like it's busting out of their ears.

[KustmAce]

Ok- Here we go

Her Beauty captures me in a time when loss is all to vivid..

Okay then, good start

A dream that transforms her into a living portrait..

Where did the dream come from? Is that the time you were referring to above?

All the poets work cannot detail her deep eyes, eyes that capture my very soul.

How are eyes deep? Makes no sense...

Her beauty is deeper then the deepest sadness of a thousand men.

Again with the deepness. FORGET DEEP! Unless you are going to describe exactly what is in these depths, or exactly what is deep, stop saying it. And the sadness of a thousand men? I thought this was a happy poem about a lady's beauty, why is everyone so sad?

A simple glance and I was overcome by emotion...filled with desire.

Not a bad line, but its kind of out of the blue.

A cold nights memories is what I will never forget..

You mean "A cold night's memories are what I will never forget"? You don't describe the memories. You cant just leave it at that. You have to stop introducing new subjects for the poem to flow right.

Times of great disaster, washed away from her glance..

From her glance or BY her glance? And again I say, quit introducing new subjects (great disaster) if your not going to elaborate on them.

Dreams tell me of her beauty, a future of unknown wealth..

Bringing up dreams again is not a bad thing, its actually a good way to draw the poem to a close. But, you have used the dream theme in no other way. You must elaborate. Pick a topic, and stick with it.

Remembering her soulful, sensual eyes brings me back to invision her orgasmic grasp..

That whole line needs to be rewritten. Grammar and spelling is terrible, and it really makes no sense. Might want to leave "orgasmic" out as well, it kind of kill the mood your going for.

Her eyes cut through me, stole, and gripped my heart and soul..

Cut through you, stole your heart and soul, then gripped your heart and soul? You need to choose words more carefully. And once again, it seems like you have thrown in the eyes thing randomly.

She will always echo in my dreams till death..and beyond..

A good ending, but you can clean up this line a lot.

You are off to a great start. It kind of seems like you know what you want to say, you are just having trouble putting it on paper. Remember, poetry comes from the heart, it will flow when the time is right. Its all about the mood. I write my best poetry when I am depressed. So I put on depressing music and just let go. Sounds cliche, but thats how I work.

Also, if you are writing this for someone, take your time on it. Do not rush it. Write a little bit, then go back and reread. Ask yourself, "What can I change to make it flow better?" or "Is there another word that fits better here"? This is a good first draft, but you need to work on organization.

If your interested, here is a poem I wrote for one of my girlfriend's for Christmas in 2003. I spent about 2 weeks on it.

My sweet,
Twas the first day to my engraved memory I would bestow,
Your wonderful company I did enjoy.
That day was the day I fell for you,
I knew you were my one and only true love.
When I knew you were to be mine,
Sought your faith and trust did I.

My true,
For which my love grows,
More and more with every rise of the sun,
And set.
To the moon anon can be thine eyes compared,
And to the sun, and its brilliant shine, can be thy smile.
Your temple, ‘tis but a brilliant diamond in my eye,
Undisputed beauty in its purest form.
Ne’er is a time in which my heart does not beat,
Full of the rich devotion to thee,
And that of thee to me.

My angel,
You mean the same to me as the Shepherd to His sheep.
To each end of this world I would go,
If you desired so.
For your bliss I do strive,
For me, this bliss thou hast long since created.
When I spend time with you now,
It is Heaven on Earth.

My love,
Thou hast opened a door to an incredible plain,
On which I have but one regard,
Sustain that, which makes us harmonious,
And my passion for you will be sustained.
I will not be absent,
For I am yours.
Now, I have but one statement left to say,
Please, let it run deep, and let it ring true,
Let it be,
I love you

Hope that helps!

[Knifeblade]

Cophesiveness and continuity between the lines or paragraphs that relate or follow from the prior, is very important to a powerful piece of literature.

You haqve the right idea and expressive force, but it is disjointed, it makes me want to ask questions about some of the statements instead of being drawn into the work.

[drunken monkey]

i think poetry does require a sense of structure and hence a sense of rhythm or else it won't flow, unless of course your intention is for it to be stuttered. if it has no sense of structure then all it is is a group of one liners.

don't use them .......
it means nothing and does nothing; punctuation has a purpose.

[Mediocrity]

For anyone critiquing the words and thoughts he used..

I mean this in a nice way..

but piss off.


Poetry's not about impressing people, it's not about flow, rhythm, punctuation, strucutre. It's not about powerful literature.

Poetry is about slamming your emotions onto a piece of paper. If it's structured and you're using rhymes to rhyme instead of drawing attention to certain words then it's not poetry. It's work.

Sorry, but that's how it is.

[turtlecrxsi]

You're all right and you're all wrong. There is no correct when it comes to poetry. Just saying that you wrote a poem is so cliche that Shakespeare would spit at you from his grave. See what I mean? KustmAce is obviously a structuralist whereby all of his/her ducks must be in a row. Poetry is definitely about emotions, but somebody has to actually care about it. In this case, the author cares about the woman who has invoked the emotion or thought so that's a good start. Repeating words shows lack of vocabulary, but using words that nobody, including yourself, never uses in every day speech seems too contrived to be emotional at all. Use your heart and what you know about expressing yourself and work on it. It takes a long time to master the English language and for some of us many years of college and a couple degrees as well. Enjoy.

[drunken monkey]

not about flow, rhythm, punctuation, structure or powerful literature?
then what is it then?
just a bunch of empty words?
does that mean that things that are about the above aren't poetry?

[eversio11]

Originally Posted by Mediocrity

For anyone critiquing the words and thoughts he used..

I mean this in a nice way..

but piss off.


Poetry's not about impressing people, it's not about flow, rhythm, punctuation, strucutre. It's not about powerful literature.

Poetry is about slamming your emotions onto a piece of paper. If it's structured and you're using rhymes to rhyme instead of drawing attention to certain words then it's not poetry. It's work.

Sorry, but that's how it is.

Weren't paying very much attention in 10th grade English class, were we?

"drawing attention to certain words" is pretty much the number one rule to poetry. There's a reason poetry involves language to convey emotion, you have to have a handle of language and words to convey it correctly. If you just wanted to 'slam your emotions on a piece of paper' you could just smash a piece of paper with a hammer. That displays your anger on a piece of paper, now doesn't it?

Furthermore, true poets don't just slam words on a piece of paper and be done with it. They spend days or even weeks writing and re-writing their poems, sometimes chaning just a single word or emphasis to convey a different mood. If you can just throw words onto a piece of paper and it be as good a poem as any other well established poet, then congratulations, you are the greatest poet in the world.

If you don't know anything about poetry, how about you 'piss off'?

[RickwithaTbird]

how about we all stop arguing over who knows more about poetry. His poem was heartfelt. He never claimed to be the next shakespeare. He just wanted to know if it could be classified as poetry. Yes it can. It may not be shakespeareian poetry, but who cares. I think it was a good poem. You are allowed to skip from topic to topic if you want. If you dont understand the jist of it then you must be stupid. The point is that every line conveys a feeling about her. It doesnt have to connect like a plot. It's a point.


heres a poem I wrote for an ex.

Leilani Kauhola
To Leilani with all my love.

When I look into her eyes,
The ocean becomes shallow.
I drown in the depths of her mind,
Her beauty holds me captive.
She does not see why
My eyes are for her only.
She asks what I see in her but
Words cannot half explain it.
I see love.
I see warmth, she captures my eyes and
I become her prisoner.
Feeling her love with my eyes.
Feeling complete satisfaction with
Looking at her.
Years pass with each second, but they
Still are too short.
With our hands we connect, transforming
Into one living being.
And all I can hope for is that she feels the
Same pleasure as I, if only for a moment.

Richard Nelson Murta Jr.

[Mediocrity]

Weren't paying very much attention in 10th grade English class, were we?

"drawing attention to certain words" is pretty much the number one rule to poetry. There's a reason poetry involves language to convey emotion, you have to have a handle of language and words to convey it correctly. If you just wanted to 'slam your emotions on a piece of paper' you could just smash a piece of paper with a hammer. That displays your anger on a piece of paper, now doesn't it?

Furthermore, true poets don't just slam words on a piece of paper and be done with it. They spend days or even weeks writing and re-writing their poems, sometimes chaning just a single word or emphasis to convey a different mood. If you can just throw words onto a piece of paper and it be as good a poem as any other well established poet, then congratulations, you are the greatest poet in the world.

If you don't know anything about poetry, how about you 'piss off'?

Poetry can't be taught in english class, kid.

The people who "teach" poetry are the ones who want to mechanize and package art.

Sorry, but the only person who has to care about the poem is the poet himself.

"Poet's" out to make a buck on it aren't real poets. Sorry to say.

He's not out to make a dollar of his poetry, he's just trying to pour his emotions onto paper. That's true poetry. Not mechanized sold-in-a-book bullshit. If you spend time trying to make it sound good to everyone else, what are you doing to yourself?