Tennis Tactics (long)

[Oz]

Place your towel behind the baseline and use it after every single point! Make sure you take the maximum time allowed between points. Wipe your head, arms, racquet and whatever else you can think of.
During changeovers take the maximum time allowed. Always make sure that your opponent goes back on the court before you, make him/her wait for your Highness.
Do not talk to your opponent. No matter what happens on the court do not say a word to your opponent directly, simply ignore him/her. If there is a call dispute make sure you contact tournament officials and discuss it with them and not your opponent.
When you are on serve be sure to bounce the ball 7-8 times, then look up as if you are going to serve and then, of course, start bouncing the ball again. For best results repeat at least three times (before each serve).
Walk really slooooowwwly between points. Never, never pick up the closest ball, always go for the one in the far corner.
Talk to somebody outside the court. This should be done constantly so that it becomes obvious that the opponent is not worthy of any attention. S/he is so bad that you don't even have to try to beat him/her.
Throw yourself on the ground and pretend that you are having the worst cramp of your life. You can drag this on for a long time. If there is a trainer available make sure you get him/her out on the court to check you out. When you think that you wasted enough time and your opponent's rhythm has been broken continue to play normally. If the situation requires, you can repeat the whole procedure after a few games.
Just before your opponent serves put your arm up and say: "Not Ready". This should be repeated often and in such a way as to break the server's rhythm.
Whenever you hit a ball close to the line and your opponent calls it out walk up to the net and say something like "Are you sure about that?". Stare at the place where the ball hit the court and then, as you shake your head in disbelief, slowly walk back to the baseline. This should be done whenever there is an opportunity for it. If there is a referee available call him/her out and demand that s/he assigns a line judge to your court. The purpose is to make your opponent think twice before s/he makes a call. Unexperienced players often become unsure of their own calls at which point they are easily manipulated.
Lie, lie and lie. It is sad, but a lot of players get away with it.
Bribe tournament officials to rig the draw.
Use the famous shoe lace routine. Tie your shoes laces at least twice during each game. If you are really creative you can pretend that one of them broke and then waste some time trying to find a replacement.
Whenever you get a chance try to hit your opponent with the ball. This works best when it is clearly not necessary to do so in order to win the point.
When you have both balls and it is your opponents serve, hit the first back to them real soft and easy and then, hit the second ball back just enough faster that they both get there at the same time. It is very difficult to catch both balls and they will end up bobbling the balls and feeling klutzy. No one I play against has ever hit in their first serve after I did this trick. The idea is to do it so casually, that it looks like it was accidental. Also, you can only do it once or twice a match or they catch on. Of course, I think it is so funny, that after I do it once or twice, I tell my partner and we both have a good laugh, since our matches are very unserious anyways.

[Neutrino]

Oh my gosh i think i've stuff like that a million times.