this is how to write a complaint letter

[Spunkymonkey]

This is the ultimate customer complaint.....please read for a good
laugh !

this is a complaint letter received by one of our competitors
>
>
> Dear Cretins,
>
> I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
> your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
> three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
> not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
> monolithic proportions.
>
> Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
> your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or,
> more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading
> material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
> technician to arrive.
>
> When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile
> phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... er,
> how exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated the boredom
> to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
> activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>
> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
> although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such
> as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
> still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15
> telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks
> after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
>
> I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
> 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday
> to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
>
> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
> unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are
> it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
> telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no
> telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will
> be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
> available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
> who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been
> redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
> that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
> line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
> robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
> care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought Telstra were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
> god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
> their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't
> anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
> my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
> of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
> rectum - incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers though they
> are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled
> mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
> to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise,
> and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
> disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision,
> and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
> very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and it's worthless
> employees.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

and ofcourse I won't mention the name it was from.

hahaha.
>

[taranaki]

wonder what he was really thinking!

so,if you are not from the "highly skilled bollock jugglers",do you work for the"holy piss-pot ofgod-awful customer relations"?


Telcos seem to be universally awful in Australia............and for that matter ,here.

[Spunkymonkey]

we don't do ISP anymore LOL

no..different carrier

[Oz]

Very good...now I'm going to get off the net (Optus connection), back away slowly and deny everything when ASIO comes to the door...

[primera man]

LOL....I LOVE IT

[Ssom]

This is how you write a letter to an Auckland driver


Dear faggot

Let me put it bluntly. Putting you in a car is like putting a Rhino in a plate glass window factory. It's like putting Cow Dung in an enchilada. In other words, it's a bad idea.

I saw you trying to get out of a parking space the other day. I thought Stevie Wonder was driving. First you hit the Mercedes SL600 in front of you, then you hit the police car behind you, then you backed into a lamp-post.

Then you went barreling down the street like a Walrus with a hemohorroidal flare up, and almost ran down a poor little old lady and her three-legged Canary. When she saw you coming, the poor woman looked like she was about to pass a large brick. But did you slow down? No. You acted like you were late for your haircut appointment. You dragged her and her Canary three blocks until you were stopped by a mob of angry Shriners.

And that left turn you took! Who taught you how to take a left turn? Daffy Duck? Haven't you ever heard of turn signals? What do you think that lever is for, to hang your panties on?

The worst thing, though, was when I saw you try to merge. You were so pushy, you reminded me of Bill Clinton at the McDonald's take-out window.

To top it all off, you made a U-turn in the middle of I95 during rush hour. What happened? Did you suddenly remember that you left [CENSORED].com up on your bosses computer screen?

If it were up to me, I would take your license, and let Alfonse D'Amato use it to clean his nose. And please do us all a favor and stay off the roads, at least until Don Imus is invited back to the White House.

Sincerely,
Jared Moss

[Melt]

Originally posted by Moss1O6GTi
This is how you write a letter to an Auckland driver

No, thats how http://cartalk.cars.com/Mail/hatemail.html writes a letter to anyone. :finger:

[Ssom]

Originally posted by Melt


No, thats how http://cartalk.cars.com/Mail/hatemail.html writes a letter to anyone. :finger:

Too right