Pull up a chair! Muscletang joke time!

[Muscletang]

You all know the drill by now.




A cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors - two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So...

They buried her.

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A man walks up to a woman sitting alone at a bar and says....

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner. I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life, that is truly incredible. Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together.

Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids. Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

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The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

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A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

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The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research.

It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.

To: All Male Taxpayers

RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040.

10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00

8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00

5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00

4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00

Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!

Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.

Sincerely,

Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service

[2.2 Straight six]

the first had me in fits, the other were funny but not as good.

[beef_bourito]

the first was awsome, but at the same time disturbing. most of the others were good 2

[drewh4386]

that first one was crazy

[thecackster]

mostly good...some heard before...over all pretty good.