Shyness. Is there a cure?

[Rich]

Im not overally stressed out (hence the reason for not using the Stress Release forum) but it bugs me, and I would like to hear what you all have to say

Basically im an extremly shy guy in person. Its so bad that at times I have contemplated going to see a shrink about it. (but my health insurance wont cover it )

I have an incredibly hard time meeting new friends. Both men and women, although I do have less of a problem with guys. With women its so bad that I cant look them in the eyes when trying to talk to them, and when invited to parties and such, I tend not to go.

Now I wonder how I can get over this. My friends do not understand and they say "grow up" or "just get over it", or "you need to get out more".

This is like giving weight loss advice to an overweight person by saying "dont eat so much, and get more exercise". Its not that easy. In the case of being overweight, its hard to eat less, and you cant exercise much because you get tired easily. Its a circle which gets you deeper and deeper into the hole and its hard to break free. For me, I dont like going out, to bars and such to meet ppl because im shy, and because of this, I dont meet new ppl and dont get invited out, and get dissapointed and prefer to stay at home anyways.

Relevent Comments, and ideas are what im looking for here.

Feel free to post, but I would appreciate it if this thread could be kept on topic

Thanks.

[DVSNCYNIKL]

First and foremost, you've taken an initial step in trying to overcome you problem. You're talking amongst friends. Now then, you seem to handle yourself very well on the internet, so that can be a start.

You see, sometimes if you can mimic what you do on here, it's relatively easy to do it in person. I used to be in the same shoes as you when I was younger. What I did was put myself amongst a lot of people, not necessarily in a social gathering, and mingled. Little by little, the shyness of being around people gradually wore down cuz I got used to be around people a lot. You should seriously think of being around people more and you will see how comfortable you get when you no longer worry about what is going to happen.

Also, try not to be self conscious like worrying if something you say or do will go wrong. Nothing helps like being able to laugh at oneself.

[Spec2 Girl]

Believe it or not, I used to be incredibly shy (still am sometimes around total strangers). I managed to get over my shyness a lot as I got older. I also had a job a few years ago where I had to be pretty assertive or get stuck doing everything for everyone. This helped out a lot too. The managers that I worked for said that I changed so much since the day that I started. I think a lot of it has to do gaining more confidence as I got older.

[Rich]

I am appreciative of the posts so far. Some good points were made.

Keep em coming folks

[MattyG]

Hi Hummerman, I think I know exactly what you are talking about!

I used to be a very shy person, and in fact by some people's standards I probably still am! But I have come out of it quite a lot, and don't have much of a problem with people (at least from my point of view ).

Anyway, Shyness can definitely be a pain in the ass.......especially if you are not comfortable with pushing yourself onto other people. I think you have a good start to helping yourself simply by the fact you mentioned you get invited places and have friends! Some people don't even have that!
Dealing with people over the Internet should also give you a helping hand in meeting people in real life.

I can't guarantee these things will help you - all I can say is they helped me out at a time when I was very depressed and didn't know many people:

Take as many opportunies as you can to meet and/or be around people - whether it be at parties, sports, family gatherings, computer groups, personal interest groups, it doesn't matter. Its cliche I know, but things like that really do build character. At the same time, don't feel that you absolutely have to go something - the great thing about friends is that you can pick and choose the ones you want - if you don't want to go to a party because you don't like who will be there, then don't waste your time.

If you do go somewhere, don't have any expectations at all about what will or will not happen - It puts needless pressure on yourself (which will only make things worse). The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance you won't meet any new people or even have a great time. The point is, you MAY have a good time, and that will keep you coming back for more.

If you go to a party or function and don't have a good time - its no big deal, it just means that next time will be better, or that there won't be a next time. I am not afraid to say that initially I spent a lot of parties standing alone, knowing perhaps one or two people there - sure it can be uncomfortable, but at the end of the day what do you lose? Not a lot I would suggest - and I think its better than sitting on the couch at home wondering what might have been.

I think DVSNCYNIKL said it nicely, the more exposure you have to people, the more comfortable and confident you will be. When that starts happening, the spiral will work upwards - people will be more comfortable around you because YOU are more comfortable around them, meaning conversation will be easier, you will grow in confidence, and so on.......

I know it can be hard thing to deal with - "getting out there" is so much harder if you are naturally shy.

My 02 is that if you really want to help yourself you need just a bit of determination and most importantly encouragement (from some fellow AF'ers perhaps ).

Hope that helps.

[speediva]

I used to be pretty withdrawn, shy, introverted, you name it. Then one morning during the summer before my Senior year in High School I woke up and decided I was sick of being entirely unknown and seen as just some quiet brainiac with marginal looks. Sure, the decision came one morning, but the changes are still happening 2 years since I've graduated. I love laughing at myself. I love laughing. I enjoy just hanging out with a bunch of good friends. Sure, I'm still a bit quiet around people I don't really know or when I just meet someone, but I now know that it's okay to open up. People are very often willing to accept you as atleast an acquaintence.

For me, it was a matter of determination. Just simply deciding that I wanted to change. But no one can give you an equation that will work no matter what. It is yet another one of life's lessons that you must learn on your own.

[tazdev]

I too know how you feel. But I'm getting sick of getting shat on all the time and am attempting to break the shackles of shyness.

Time will; tell if it works or not.

[darkness]

I know exactly what you mean.

I get seriously shy trying to talk to girls I'm attracted to. I usually a little shy around new people. but once I get to know them I come out of my shell. Moon and Spec2 can attest to that.

But I still have a major problem with talking to girls. I just can't do it. thats probably why I can never ask anyone out and that I've only ever had 2 girlfriends my entire life.

[Ssom]

As you can all picture, I am EXTREMLEY shy..........


I wish there was some way I could break the cycle, because people think because I am shy, I am a push-over and un-assertive, which isn't the real me. I am fine with people I know, but when I first meet them (Especially obnoxious fat people) I feel intimidated by them........

Don't even get me started on when I meet girls for the first time.....

[Audio_1]

im also very shy. i will go to parties when im invited though, there is 1 thing that worked wonders....paxil

[KatWoman]

What's up everyone?

Well for ya shy people, I guess all I can suggest is this:

When you are at a party or gathering and want to talk to someone you are interested in...just relax, hang out and mingle. Even if you're not doing a lot of talking, just be present rather than sitting in a corner somewhere. When that person you might have an interest walks by just smile and say, "Hey, what's up?" and take it from there. If the person smiles back and says "Hey", "hi" or whatever then there's a start. If they continue on their way, let them...maybe they'll come back to chat. If not, their loss. If they do stop to converse, just be yourself. If they ask how you're doing, say "pretty good" or" fine", "great" or whatever. Answer any questions, you don't necessarily have to go into detail. Try to make some kind of eye contact if you can. Eye contact (or lack of) can help another person determine whether you're interested in what they have to say. Above all, don't pretend to be something/someone you're not.

Hope this helps you out a bit

[Gonthrax]

Well, I used to be shy (as I think most every one was at some time in their life), but after a while I decided that somthing had to be done. The main thing is taking that first step. You just have to decide "I've had enough of this shit!" It helps to shout that in the mirror :hehehe:
Then just find a way to go somewere, and no matter how bad you want to just sit back and not interact. You have to just get up and get into some conversations. Now it's easier said then done, but there really are no two ways about it. You just have to get out there and do it!

Seems harsh I know, but it's what you must do

[Rich]

Thanks for the replys all, I appreciate it.

I was hoping there was an easier solution, but as posted, its not something that can be overcome in one day.

[carnut]

I grew up in a hard working family and we never had much money. My parents just happened to be lucky enough to buy a house in a nice neighborhood, although they worked very hard to keep it, anyway what I'm getting at was the neighborhood kids, although nice, were wealthy and I didn't have much self esteem because I couldn't have things they had. Eventually I joined the YMCA (no singing allowed here) and met other kids in my same situation and made loads of new friends. I eventually enlisted in the Air Force (Vietnam era) and that really made a man out of me, it was sink or swim! Life will throw curves at you but in the end you'll find some way to succeed.

[MBTN]

When you are invited to a party, GO!!!!