Some random jokes

[Ssom]

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
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I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor."
I said, "Where's the car now?"
She said, "In the lake."
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend
to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~



A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

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~~Beer Study
>
> You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems
> irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the
> results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in
> beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
> The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
> theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It
> was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively
> without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to
> think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and
> refused to apologize when wrong.:

[higgimonster]

[QUOTE~~Beer Study
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.:[/quote]

Ok, that is the greatest thing ever. (for the time being, at least)