Conversations that airline passengers seldom hear...

[Kohhal]

The following are transcripts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult
or you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make
a three-sixty (do a complete circle), a move normally used to provide
spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you
know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this
airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his
approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway,if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and
make a right at the lights to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, do you think i'm f...ing stupid as well!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never
flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another
type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one-o-clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because old boy you
lost the bloody war!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that is some funny stuff... i particularly like the dead animal one

[LX98Civic]

Those are

[ragt20]

:hehe: those are funny......lmao

[Pikachoo]

That's good. lol

[YogsVR4]

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,

That was my favorite!

Excellent!













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[taranaki]

those are

I like this

http://joesacher.com/humor/cockpitfun.php

[89ssgti]

is it ok if I found those funny



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never
flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another
type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one-o-clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Moppie]

Well heres a rough version of what I can remember when I went up with the chief instructor before my first solo flight out of Ardmore.

I cant remember the exact call signs, but.

Incomeing aricraft, was a light plane joining the circut.
Tower, is the tower, duh.
Moppie, is me. duh.

Tower: Incomeing aircraft please change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut.
Tower: Incoming aircraft I say again change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut.
Tower: Incoming aircraft acknowldge.
Tower: Incoming aircraft acknowldge. change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut. NOW!
Tower: I say again Incoming aircraft acknowldge. change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut. NOW!
Tower: (hurridly shouted)MOPPIE TURN RIGHT NOW! AND DESECEND ONTO EARLY BASE LEG!!!!!!!!!! INCOMING AIRCRAFT TURN RIGHT NOW AND CLIMB!

Some dork was joining the Circut from the wrong end and headed directly for us, we couldn't see him as was coming striaght out of the horizon, and a was a little high to the left. We were even joking about who the tower was calling, completly unaware that he was heading striaght for us. As soon as we were told to turn I grabbed the controls and did so, the other plane never did, and we missed by only a 100 meters or so.

[gang$tarr]

hahahahahha :hehehe: :hehehe: I like the frankfurt one LOL

"just to drop something off. I didn't stop"

hahaahhahahaahahah that is hilarious

[YogsVR4]

Originally posted by Moppie
Well heres a rough version of what I can remember when I went up with the chief instructor before my first solo flight out of Ardmore.

I cant remember the exact call signs, but.

Incomeing aricraft, was a light plane joining the circut.
Tower, is the tower, duh.
Moppie, is me. duh.

Tower: Incomeing aircraft please change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut.
Tower: Incoming aircraft I say again change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut.
Tower: Incoming aircraft acknowldge.
Tower: Incoming aircraft acknowldge. change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut. NOW!
Tower: I say again Incoming aircraft acknowldge. change your course and altidute you are joing from the wring end of the circut. NOW!
Tower: (hurridly shouted)MOPPIE TURN RIGHT NOW! AND DESECEND ONTO EARLY BASE LEG!!!!!!!!!! INCOMING AIRCRAFT TURN RIGHT NOW AND CLIMB!

Some dork was joining the Circut from the wrong end and headed directly for us, we couldn't see him as was coming striaght out of the horizon, and a was a little high to the left. We were even joking about who the tower was calling, completly unaware that he was heading striaght for us. As soon as we were told to turn I grabbed the controls and did so, the other plane never did, and we missed by only a 100 meters or so.

Holy shit dude! That had to get you so pumped full of adrenaline that you could have ripped the controls out of the plane. That is some scary shit.













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[Moppie]

Originally posted by YogsVR4



Holy shit dude! That had to get you so pumped full of adrenaline that you .................

Yeah it certianly got the heart rate up!

The head instructor was very impressed though, I never panicked and still made a perfect, allthough very tight and fast turn.
He said to me when I landed, "If you can handle that situation then your ready for anything flying circuts, off you go and have fun"
I then went straight back up and did my fisrt solo flight.

The really really scary thing is that Ardmore is the busiest light field in the southern hemisphere, and thanks to cut backs is now with out a tower. Traffic has increased since I last flew there (about 3yrs ago) and its really quite amazing that a similar incident hasn't occured but with more serious consequences.

[-cy-]

On a plane a number of years back, when i was around 10 or so, i remember a pilot saying something along these lines as we were leveling out at an altitude:

"can the women with the butter cake (or something of the like, he didn't say this of course) and 144 plates and forks please come to the front of the plane, thank you."

[primera man]

Originally posted by TheMasterG



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never
flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another
type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

I Like that one best....lol

[fearless_simian]

The last time I was flying a small plane a deer ran across the runway right in front of us and we cleared it by 10 feet or so. I almost had a heart attack.

A funny one from my dad back in the college days was that a pair of his friends (fellow MIT nerds) decided to annoy the stewardess(propper name back then) so one of them started acting like he was a robot and the friend told the stewardess he was a a robot. she told them to sit down, friend told her he hada bomb in him and couldn't. stewardess told the pilot and then they dumped fuel landed it and the friends got to have a nice long heart to heart with the police.