The kid is dead wrong about the weight - its over 3000 lbs.
But face it, with well over 350 ft/lbs of torque, the SS had no trouble running anywhere from mid 13's to high 12's (in a few cases even mid 12's).
The Camaro's and Firechicken's shared the same 350 horespower 5.7L Corvette LS1 - exactly the same motor, with slighly more restrictive intakes and exhaust (but even then some SS's were rated as high as 340 HP from the factory).
Besides the weight thing, why is all the other stuff you wrote so hard to believe? Where have you been in the last 10 years?
I could go on about the automatic crack. I'd just be careful if I were you boy, cause an automatic SS is a deadly challenge - which just about any "kid" can pilot to a 13 second ET.