[kris]

I only redistribute these stories. I have nothing to do with writing or editing them. Enjoy.


Ok,.... we all know that I'm a man. And my masculinity has never been questioned (at least, not that I'm aware of). So it might surprise you to find out that I am able to expose the horrible truth about the ladies room. But in fact, I've spent a lot of time in the
ladies room, and therefore I can take pride as a self-proclaimed expert in "The Horrible Truth."

It wasn't really my goal in life to hang out in the ladies room, but as a college student I had the dubious honor of cleaning the bathrooms at the restaurants where I worked. Chief among these restaurants was Peter Piper Pizza. And that was very unfortunate for me because Peter Piper Pizza was the kind of place that attracted the less hygienic members of society.

Anyway,... my duties included cleaning the men's room AND the ladies room. The men's room wasn't too bad. The typical mess in there would include a few wet spots on the floor near the urinal and maybe an overfilled garbage bin. Nothing too tragic, and nothing too degrading to humanity.

But,... the ladies room was an entirely different story. Some of the scariest shit in life takes place in the ladies room. And I think that my experience in the ladies room might have traumatized me for life.

The first thing that I noticed during my very first trip to the ladies room was the terrible odor. It's hard to describe because it's unlike anything else in the universe. But I suppose that it's somehow related to that "not so fresh feeling" that women always talk about. I used Lysol, Mr. Clean, Ajax, Brasso, Windex, Tilex, Clorox Bleach, Ozium, Glade and Ammonia. But nothing would remove that terrible odor.

And I think that my worst (and most lasting) trauma was a direct result of that terrible odor. Back in the old days, I was pretty 'ambitious' with the girls. If I had the opportunity, I'd dive down there without any hesitation and I'd get busy on her REAL FAST. But ever since the ladies room experience I've found myself being much more cautious with prospective girls, usually implementing a basic "whiff test" before taking too many chances in the bedroom.

Perhaps I could've tolerated the ladies room better if the odor was the only horror,... but there were many more traumas awaiting me. Next on my list was "the box." Now I'm sure that the women know what I'm talking about, but I'll explain it for the men among us that have managed to maintain their youthful innocence and purity.

"The box" is a little tin can that they keep in the stalls. It's commonly known that tampons should NOT be flushed down the toilet because they tend to get bloated and they clog the pipes. So the ladies put them into "the box," and then Peter Piper Pizza hires a shlameal like me to go in there and clean the mess.

The whole idea of "the box" is pretty fucked up in the first place, but I swear that the women must be doing slam-dunks and lay-ups into "the box." I can't even begin to describe the inhumanity of it. And frankly, I don't want to discuss "the box" any more.

Another thing that the men might not know about is the diaper changing station. They have boards that pull down from the walls where women can place their babies when changing diapers. And who do you think cleaned them? It sure as hell wasn't the mothers with the crap-stained welfare children. Back in the old days, I thought that I might like to have children someday, but I'm reconsidering it.

One day, a vagrant walked into Peter Piper Pizza and he headed directly to the bathrooms. This guy was a real winner. He looked like Santa Clause strung out on heroin, and somehow I *knew* that there was going to be a problem. But this vagrant knew that his mess was better suited for the ladies room than the men's room. Just a couple of minutes after he headed to the bathrooms, a woman came up to the counter and told us that "some bum just walked into the ladies room and he's making a disgusting mess in there!"

I couldn't imagine what he might possibly be doing that was worse than slam-dunking tampons into "the box," but I headed back there to take a look. Well,... she was right. I walked into the ladies room and found the vagrant stark naked. He was taking a shit on the mirror. Don't ask why! I've thought about it for years and I never get closer to an answer. The main point here is that even a vagrant knows the horrible truth about the ladies room. (perhaps he worked for Peter Piper Pizza during his college years, too).

The moral of the story?... Don't be deceived by the dainty appearance that women often project. "The Horrible Truth" is on the other side of the
bathroom door.