[ragt20]

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right

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Irish gangsters

A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically through the bank.

The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. "Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat." They open the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

:apuke:

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he
is passing a pumpkin field, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to
himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no
one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks
out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it,
and begins to shag the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it,
and doesn't notice the police Car pulling up. The policeman walks over and
says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are having sex with a
pumpkin?" The man looks at the policeman in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "A pumpkin? F**k Me !!! Is it midnight already?"
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A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me some coffee, quick!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!"

The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the director.

"Phew," said the trainee as he laughed and hung up.
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
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A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says:

"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 !

That's good,innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:

"Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mum.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

Hahahaha.