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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
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Fuckin works, doesn't it?
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Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
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They're punishing you for not managing your money correctly.
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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You gonna count the fuckin stars?
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Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
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It only sticks when it sets. The bottle doesn't let it get air so it doesn't set. Sheeeit.
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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
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In case the attendant blunders and jabs himself, shit man!
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the stubble off his face every morning.
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why get hit with something when you can avoid it?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Radio. And to stop the aliens reading their minds.
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Why did they put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
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Because because otherwise it would be lip.
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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
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They're really, really, really fucking old.
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Not anymore!
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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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Probably. It's mattresses. Who the fuck cares?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Inspiration, but sometimes you hope the lunchmeat has evolved into a life form you can kill and eat.
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Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Loosen it from the carpet. Geeeeeeeeeeeze.
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end your first try?
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What freaky ass plastic bags do you use?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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The magnetic field created around a lightbulb when in the vicinity of an insects flapping wings creates a
temporal vortex which teleports the bugs into the light.
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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Maybe because you're just a clumsy fuck.
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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You're just a wet blanket.
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Why don’t you ever hear father-in-law jokes?
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They tend to keep a low profile and kill when annoyed.
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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75% of statistics are made up on the spot.