All right, well here's another tale, this one from my college years archive. There's this Saturday night when NOTHING (and I mean
nothing) is going on. I'm still in my freshman year, and in the state of Maine, if you are underage, you are not going to be able to go to a store and buy alcohol. It is as simple as that.
Anyway, so it's like 10:30, and I am dying to party or do something. I hear through a connection that there is a keg in Pierce House, the football house. Now, usually I don't go in there (especially being a freshman) unless I am going with a buddy on the football team, but this particular evening, I am on a mission to get some beer. What's a little risk of bodily harm for the cause of partying anyway?!?!
So I go. I get there, and I simply just stake out the keg, down five 9 ounce cups inside of a half hour. Feeling like I've undergone some adequate consumption, I leave to go enjoy my buzz elsewhere.
I head back over to my house, and a couple buddies of mine are playing a Doom Death Match (all the rage on college campuses in 1995 to 1996). I decide I wanted to help my friend kill the bad guys, so I picked up his can of mousse and start spraying it all over his monitor. He of course freaks out, starts yelling offensive comments at my drunk ass to beat it. What the Hell did I know? I really thought I would help kill the bad guys.
Now I decide I'm going to go see my buddy that lives on the other side of campus in Adams, a large dorm. I stagger over there (my tolerance really sucked ass that night), and am actually pretty tired and ready to pass out by the time I get over to his place. He's in his room hanging out with someone (can't remember who - and I got rid of them pretty quickly anyway), and I come flying into his room and give him the old drunk hug. He has two beds in his room, so he basically lays me down and tells me "sleep it off you wine-o." Drunk, I usually don't put up much of a fight when someone tells me to do something (especially in my early days of freshman alcoholic bliss), so I promptly go to bed.
The interesting part of all this comes when I get up to take a leak a couple hours later. Adams happens to be a dorm that is symmetrical, in that there is a middle section with two identical wings. I go to the bathroom, and on the way back, apparently I walked back to wrong wing. I find the door to my friend's room closed, and surprisingly locked. I start knocking and doing that whole frustrated drunk thing, you know: "let me in, you sloppy bastard" and such. A girl opens the door a crack, refuses to let me in, and then slams the door on one of my fingers when I try to push my way in. She locks it again.
Now, as a drunk, thinking I am standing outside my friend's room, this is a confusing and shocking situation. I pound on the door every couple minutes, with interludes of standing around dazed and confused. Finally, it becomes apparent that I am not going to get in, so instead of walking all the back to my room late on a Saturday night in March in my boxer shorts and a t-shirt, I decide fuck it, I'm going to sleep right outside my friend's door. Wasn't the most comfortable place to get some rest, but when you are sleeping off alcohol, that becomes more of a detail than a requirement for actually being able to sleep.
A couple hours later, some mysterious guy comes out of the room, and stands there puzzled for a moment before stepping over me to make his way to the bathroom. I too am puzzled, but things make so little sense at this point, I just shrug and try to go back to sleep. On his way back to the room, the guy steps back over me and says "you should really find a better place to sleep." I say "yeah, sure" and go back to sleep.
Finally at like 8:00 in the morning, I am awake enough to get kind of pissed about a bad joke that has gone on for too long. I stand up, and as I am about to pound the door again, I notice the room number: 401. My friend lives in 434. Very embarrassed, I high-talied it back over to my friend's room. He wakes and sits up, and asks where the Hell I was all that time. Long story...
