Republican National Convention Schedule -- Revised, August 2004:
6:00pm - Opening prayer
6:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer
6:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers
6:45pm - New energy policy presented by Exxon Mobil Corp.
7:00pm - Canonization of Ronald Reagan
7:15pm - Additional prayers of thanksgiving
7:30pm - Opening convention remarks by Halliburton CEO
8:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Enron's Ken Lay
8:15pm - Additional opening remarks by Halliburton Company
8:30pm - Stoning of a hom.ose.x.ual person wishing to get married
8:45pm - New healthcare polices presented by HMO corporate titan Kaiser Permanente
9:00pm - Announcement of the invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBD)
9:15pm - Halliburton makes public contribution of $1.4 billion to Republican Party
10:00pm - V. P. Cheney addresses remarks to Ron Reagan, Jr. and tells him to go f*** himself.
10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: "Dernit, South Korea is our ally. My bad.")
10:45pm - Dancing around a golden calf idol
11:00pm - Stoning of the partner of the hom.ose.xual wishing to get married
11:15pm - New forestry policy revealed to Party by Weyerhaeuser and International Paper
11:45pm - Thanking of God for his help electing G. W. Bush president
12:00m - Closing prayers and hymns (lasting until 2:00am)
2:00 am - Hookers and male wh.or.es ushered in for use by all remaining delegates
