2002 Darwin Awards
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin
Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again,
truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of)
that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has
done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene
pool. Just think... until these events, these same people were
walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced
dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3
a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his
friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and
undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into
a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower
he hit was the one with its pad removed.
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4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police,
Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out
without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had choked him to death.
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3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
above him on a n overhanging rock and was killed instantly when
it fell on him.
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2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who
used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck)
popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off hi lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to
explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you
how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it
blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something
like that," Payne said.
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1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost
his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as
Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major
blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about
this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County
district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under
investigation.
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Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having
no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into
the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to
hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for
(the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other
side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by
his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked
down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes
would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make
matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw
him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to
the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his
drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police
arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100
feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked,
scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in
the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...