More Jokes
Toksin
03-06-2003, 06:07 PM
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? "
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says,"Well...ask him where the damn money is"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is! "
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
**************************
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess, the husband says "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me" so the wife tells him that she is flat chested. The husband says "I can deal with that" he takes off her shirt and says "boy! you are small, but I love you anyway." The husband says that he has something to confess also. She says "no matter what I will still love you". He says "okay I am built like a baby down there". She says "I can deal with that." So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! So he is fanning her and she finally gets up. She says "I thought you said you were built like a baby?" He says "yeah....7lbs- 21inches"
**************************
Things that don't happen in Star Trek:
1.The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2.The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists,who are all perfectly all right.
3.The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4.The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5.The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7.A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8.A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11.The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12.The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century. 15.Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17.The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18.The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny,day.
19.An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting
that such an attempt, if successful,"would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20.A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21.Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22.Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23.Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24.Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
**************************
There were two baby whales in the ocean. One boy baby whale and one girl baby whale. They played together every day in the ocean. One day the boy baby whale saw a freighter in the water. "Look, that is the boat that killed my father', said the boy. "We have to do something! I have to avenge my fathers death! Are you with me?"
The girl baby whale just stared at the boy. 'Look, He said, I bet if we swim under the boat and blow from our blow holes hard enough we can tip that mean boat over and avenge my father's death. Now, are you with me?!"
The girl baby whale wanted to help the boy baby whale so she said,"Okay...."
So the two baby whales swam under the freighter and they blew from their blow holes as hard as they could. Sure enough, the boat tipped over. "Yes! I've avenged by father's death", said the boy. But wait, there were some crewmen swimming in the water.
"Look", said the boy, "there are survivors! We can't let that happen!! I have to avenge my fathers death!" "What do you want to do?" asked the girl. "Well, we have to swim over there and eat them of course," said the boy.
"Whoa... wait a minute",said the girl, "I was with you for the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"
*************************
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
*************************
A Letter From Your Computer: You look really sexy in that......thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on his keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't acomputer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command.Yes Master! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes Master! I'll run your silly program.Don't get me wrong....I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?Maybe instead of just ramming in the diskette, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for awhile afterwards? I know computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and .......and....... what? Ok.......well..........will you at least think about it?I'm so embarrassed, :)
Your Computer (:
****************
Enjoy
*edit*Fucked up the first joke :bloated:
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? "
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says,"Well...ask him where the damn money is"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is! "
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
**************************
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess, the husband says "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me" so the wife tells him that she is flat chested. The husband says "I can deal with that" he takes off her shirt and says "boy! you are small, but I love you anyway." The husband says that he has something to confess also. She says "no matter what I will still love you". He says "okay I am built like a baby down there". She says "I can deal with that." So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! So he is fanning her and she finally gets up. She says "I thought you said you were built like a baby?" He says "yeah....7lbs- 21inches"
**************************
Things that don't happen in Star Trek:
1.The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2.The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists,who are all perfectly all right.
3.The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4.The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5.The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7.A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8.A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11.The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12.The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century. 15.Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17.The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18.The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny,day.
19.An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting
that such an attempt, if successful,"would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20.A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21.Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22.Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23.Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24.Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
**************************
There were two baby whales in the ocean. One boy baby whale and one girl baby whale. They played together every day in the ocean. One day the boy baby whale saw a freighter in the water. "Look, that is the boat that killed my father', said the boy. "We have to do something! I have to avenge my fathers death! Are you with me?"
The girl baby whale just stared at the boy. 'Look, He said, I bet if we swim under the boat and blow from our blow holes hard enough we can tip that mean boat over and avenge my father's death. Now, are you with me?!"
The girl baby whale wanted to help the boy baby whale so she said,"Okay...."
So the two baby whales swam under the freighter and they blew from their blow holes as hard as they could. Sure enough, the boat tipped over. "Yes! I've avenged by father's death", said the boy. But wait, there were some crewmen swimming in the water.
"Look", said the boy, "there are survivors! We can't let that happen!! I have to avenge my fathers death!" "What do you want to do?" asked the girl. "Well, we have to swim over there and eat them of course," said the boy.
"Whoa... wait a minute",said the girl, "I was with you for the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"
*************************
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
*************************
A Letter From Your Computer: You look really sexy in that......thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on his keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't acomputer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command.Yes Master! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes Master! I'll run your silly program.Don't get me wrong....I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?Maybe instead of just ramming in the diskette, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for awhile afterwards? I know computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and .......and....... what? Ok.......well..........will you at least think about it?I'm so embarrassed, :)
Your Computer (:
****************
Enjoy
*edit*Fucked up the first joke :bloated:
Oz
03-06-2003, 08:28 PM
Except for the reposts, :lol2::hehehe:
ac427cpe
03-06-2003, 11:28 PM
those are great!
Purpura Delujo
03-07-2003, 05:18 AM
:hehehe: Where do you get all these? I knew that the whale one would turn out like that.
speediva
03-07-2003, 07:29 AM
Those are really great!!! :hehe: :lol2: :hehehe:
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