2003 Alero "Oddly" Dead - No Crank.No Start.No Remote

Hello everyone, I need some help

the beast: 2003 Alero 4cyl automatic, approx 64k
purchased @ 49k 5/2006 from a bastard car lot (avoid world of wheels)
she already had the passlock(7/06) and fuel pump(8/07) issues

the behaviour: no crank no start, remote has no effect
although as i was sitting in the car, i decided to take the key out of the ignition and press each button, I noticed the temp gauge never really released and the tacho would react as if stabbed with a fork, jumping to like 6 and when it reached the lower spectrum would throb a little bit, like the dreggs or something weird

i read somewhere else the battery usually goes around 50-60k? is this correct? is it as tragically sudden as all that? the battery light never flashed beyond starting the car when all the little lights say they work.

i have had it with this car but im completely stuck with it, i have never wanted to win the lottery more, so i could ship this somewhere with 'screw you' written in soap on the windshield in the top 10 languages and hope it pisses someone off enough to blow it up, and when i count to 100 and no one does, I will...I'm never buying domestic again
*deep breath*
I really don't like this car
*another deep breath*
any help would be greatly appreciated

Welcome to AF.

If this is the original AC Delco battery the life span varies but I don't think putting any mileage assessment on it is realistic or there is no drop dead point. Best thing to do is get the battery and charging system tested. Also, make sure the battery cables are free of corrosion and tight. Do you have any Security light on at the dash IP? You can have the dash lights on but the battery can still be bad.

The dash lights don't come on anymore, when you initially go from 'On' to 'Start' the ServiceEngineSoon light flickers and dies immediately as the only electrical response, this is more of a flickering than actually on, like it's lead in the circuit, but the circuit fails.

I am going to have a friend jump the car and we'll see how this goes.

There needs to be a database for this horrid piece of attempted machinery

I'm also experiencing the strut noise on the front suspension over speedbumps, regardless how slow

Update

When I tried to jump the car, smoke appeared to spill out from the alternator or somewhere close, which alludes to a good battery, yikes

still no power to the vehicle, no brake lites, no horn, nothing
the fuses all appeared to be in good order, nothing obvious

Sounds like a dead battery to me. Find someone who knows how to jumpstart a car and I bet she'll fire right. Where did the smoke come from, your Alt or the jumper vehicles alt??

We jumped it incorrectly IF the Alero manual is incorrect
red to red
black on good battery
black on my end to unpainted ground

and the smoke came from my alt, there was smell of burning copper, which was fun...

*hums the 'IhateAlero' music*

Just FYI...incorrect means "not correct" or "wrong"

Sounds like you may have a bad alternator, which could have resulted in your battery going dead if it stopped charging the battery. You can remove the alternator and have it checked at your local parts store...

ok. so i had a similar experience with this kinaa problem. I have a 2003 alero 2.2L with 79000 miles. Turned out to be a dead battery, it didn't help when i had best buy install a stereo they killed and "recharged" the battery. So I got a battery at Napa and had a friend install it. The car won't automatically work. Trust me, it took a long time of trying to start it, it would turn over but instantly die, one time we did get it to stay running, the gauges (tach, temp, fuel) didn't move. The stereo didn't turn on either. Just give it an hour or two to reset it's self, and try starting it.

My dad did look into this a little further and sent me this, i didn't have to do it but it may help:

Security relearn procedure:

1) Attempt to start the car by turning the key to the Start/Run Position.
2) Observe that the vehicle fails to start and that the security light is illuminated.
3) Release key to the 'ON/Accessory' Position. (DO NOT turn key to the 'off' position.)
4) Allow the vehicle to sit with the key in the 'ON/Accessory' Position for no less than 11 minutes.
5) Turn key to off position and allow the vehicle to remain in the 'OFF' position for no less than 30 seconds.
6) Repeat #1 - #5 for 3 cycles.
7) On 4th attempt, car should start.

NOTE : Since this is a fairly long procedure, I would limit all electrical sources, such as disconnecting headlights, to prevent discharge of battery.

NOTE 2 : It is SAFE to wait LONGER than the allotted time, but it is not safe to wait less time. I.e. 12 minutes instead of 11 minutes should be safe; however, waiting 10 minutes instead of 11 minutes is not safe.

Properly executed, this procedure should take approximately 35 minutes to complete

Kayla

ps. my battery light never came on either.

I just had the same problem with my 2002 Alero, interior lights came on, headlights worked, but no sound at all when I turned the key. I tried starting it probably a dozen times over the course of 3 days and it was always the same. I had it towed and when the mechanic got it it started fine. Could this be the passlock system? Why would it just start working again?

It could be the ignition switch.