Jokes!
Graphik Styles
02-16-2003, 07:51 PM
One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''
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Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
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A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."
The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
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George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."
Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?
The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.
"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"
The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."
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There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."
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Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''
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Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."
The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."
Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?
The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.
"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"
The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."
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v10_viper
02-16-2003, 08:04 PM
pretty good ones, I dont think they are reposts, belive me, I went through all 188 pages of OT and I dont recall seing them. Here's a few more:
One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest and they both stumble upon a Golden Frog. The Golden Frog says that if they stop fighting he'll give them both 3 wishes, they both agree. Bear goes first and wishes for all the bears in the forest to be girls. The rabbit then wishes for a crash helmet. The bear wishes for all the bears except for him on the continent to be girls. Rabbit then wishes for a dirtbike, gets one, he hops on a revs it a few times. Bear then asks why rabbit is wasting his wishes on something so stupid. Bear then asked for all the bears in the world to be girls. Rabbit starts thinking, revs his dirtbike, then says, "I wish bear was gay", and revs off.
-That's an old one though so ya might have heard it.
I got a lot more but I wouldn't doubt if most of you have heard them.
One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest and they both stumble upon a Golden Frog. The Golden Frog says that if they stop fighting he'll give them both 3 wishes, they both agree. Bear goes first and wishes for all the bears in the forest to be girls. The rabbit then wishes for a crash helmet. The bear wishes for all the bears except for him on the continent to be girls. Rabbit then wishes for a dirtbike, gets one, he hops on a revs it a few times. Bear then asks why rabbit is wasting his wishes on something so stupid. Bear then asked for all the bears in the world to be girls. Rabbit starts thinking, revs his dirtbike, then says, "I wish bear was gay", and revs off.
-That's an old one though so ya might have heard it.
I got a lot more but I wouldn't doubt if most of you have heard them.
hondacivic4drlx
02-16-2003, 08:14 PM
too many to read, so i just read the penis joke, it was good but not the best
jon@af
02-16-2003, 08:44 PM
I Like the garter joke. Something similar happened to me, but I didnt laugh, I just starred and said nothing... like all the other guys in my classroom:D
Self
02-17-2003, 02:02 AM
hahah! I like the rabbit/bear one:D
Jimster
02-17-2003, 02:12 AM
The bear and the Rabbit one is my favourite :D
But al of these jokes were excellent- gave me a good early-morning giggle :D
But al of these jokes were excellent- gave me a good early-morning giggle :D
MaximusGTR
02-17-2003, 03:17 AM
Originally posted by Self
hahah! I like the rabbit/bear one:D
Me Too!!!!:p :p
hahah! I like the rabbit/bear one:D
Me Too!!!!:p :p
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