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Welcome to the Internet.


kris
10-07-2001, 02:37 AM
Welcome to the Internet.

No one here likes you.

We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG BITCH!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more entertainment from your irrational fuming.

We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.

Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.

For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.

Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like you, but we do love you.

You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and "geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning an insult around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.

"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.

Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.

Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.

You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here: knowledge.

"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?

Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.

If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:

1) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

2) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.

3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.

4) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.

5) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains current copyright and parody law.

6) The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.

7) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up.

8) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".

9) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the term "surfing".

10) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.

11) It's a hoax, not a virus warning.

12) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before attempting to connect it to someone else's.

13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.

14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.

15) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and information is our stock and trade.

16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.

17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.

19) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.

Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them.

Moppie
10-07-2001, 02:56 AM
That should be distrubted with every new internet subscribtio.

Did you write it or find it?

Jay!
10-07-2001, 03:25 AM
Originally posted by kbslacker
14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.Repeat: Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.

No one ever gets that one. :hehehe:

MOFOSHIEET
10-07-2001, 03:36 AM
Originally posted by jay@af
Repeat: Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.

No one ever gets that one. :hehehe:

Shut up. :flipa:

Jay!
10-07-2001, 03:42 AM
Originally posted by MOFOSHIEET


Shut up. :flipa: I wipe my post-whore ass with you.

MercCougarXR7
10-07-2001, 05:22 PM
Sniff - that was beautiful man :).

YellowMaranello
10-07-2001, 09:51 PM
i dont think you will get too many new people replying to your posts ever again.:alien:

speediva
10-07-2001, 11:04 PM
Was that meant for me? ;) I'm a good girl; I would never poke fun at someone who heralds far more seniority over myself. *lol*

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:05 PM
Originally posted by saturntangerine
Was that meant for me? ;) I'm a good girl; I would never poke fun at someone who heralds far more seniority over myself. *lol* No. Not my post, anyway.

speediva
10-07-2001, 11:12 PM
*huge sigh of relief* Good, then I can continue to chat with the coolest dude in AF! ;)

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:13 PM
Originally posted by saturntangerine
*huge sigh of relief* Good, then I can continue to chat with the coolest dude in AF! ;) Heep? :confused:

Heep
10-07-2001, 11:14 PM
Originally posted by saturntangerine
...the coolest dude in AF! ;)

HAH!! :D:D:D

Heep
10-07-2001, 11:15 PM
Originally posted by jay@af
Heep? :confused:

Damn right she means me ;)

:D:D

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:15 PM
You are so lame. :p

Heep
10-07-2001, 11:17 PM
lol :D:D

Aren't we all? :licker: :licker: :licker:

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:21 PM
Originally posted by Heep
lol :D:D

Aren't we all? :licker: :licker: :licker: Please refer to the first post in this thread. ;)

Heep
10-07-2001, 11:23 PM
I didn't read it all. Remember my 5 line rule :D:D

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:26 PM
Originally posted by Heep
I didn't read it all. Remember my 5 line rule :D:D :huh:

http://www.users.qwest.net/~bkc3/+junk/southpark/wtf.jpg

Heep
10-07-2001, 11:26 PM
You don't remember my 5 line rule? I don't read anything longer than 5 lines....too much effort :D:D

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:27 PM
Originally posted by Heep
You don't remember my 5 line rule? I don't read anything longer than 5 lines....too much effort :D:D Ahhh... I believe that coincides with my jack-hole rule.

:flipa: j/k

Heep
10-07-2001, 11:29 PM
Jack-hole rule? Never heard this one..............:D

igor@af
10-07-2001, 11:30 PM
3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.
http://www.automotiveforums.com/img/members/mostwanted.gif 'nough said..


13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.
Not true, I help others without messing around with them.. [alright maybe sometimes I do :rolleyes:]


14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.
Funny... I can insult anyone and no one can insult me on here :D


16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but some people do think I'm really cool :cool:


17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

I AM COOLER THAN YOU, comon, prove me wrong:finger:

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:32 PM
Originally posted by igor@af
Funny... I can insult anyone and no one can insult me on here :DNo comment. ;)

speediva
10-07-2001, 11:39 PM
Uh oh, now it's getting personal! :) I know I'm the coolest person on AF! ;) Prove me wrong!

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:42 PM
Originally posted by saturntangerine
Uh oh, now it's getting personal! :) I know I'm the coolest person on AF! ;) Prove me wrong!

A. Igor is the coolest person on AF
B. You are not Igor
C. "I know I'm the coolest person on AF!" = false

Sorry. :)

speediva
10-07-2001, 11:46 PM
Igor is a demigod; therefore not human. :D

I am the coolest person on AF. :flash:

Jay!
10-07-2001, 11:47 PM
Originally posted by saturntangerine
Igor is a demigod; therefore not human. :D

I am the coolest person on AF. :flash: :huh: Touche'!

speediva
10-07-2001, 11:52 PM
I DO KNOW IT ALL!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!! :devil:

Jay!
10-08-2001, 12:42 AM
Originally posted by saturntangerine
I DONUT TALL!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!! :devil: :huh: :right:

speediva
10-08-2001, 01:11 AM
um, syntax error? :bloated:

gang$tarr
10-08-2001, 01:21 AM
ah yes seniority.... all of you bow down to my post whore ways, except for Primera Man, Jay and DVS.... and ofcourse igor cause he started all this :D
is there anybody else ahead of me?

DVSNCYNIKL
10-08-2001, 09:31 AM
Apart from being well written, all those things are true!


Now everybody, repeat after me.


Go Yuck Fourselves!:D :D

gang$tarr
10-08-2001, 12:55 PM
Originally posted by DVSNCYNIKL

Go Yuck Fourselves!:D :D

beware! cause I'm catching up to you! :devil: :devil:

don't be fooled by my posts per day in my profile..... that's so low because of the low amount of posting in Feb, Mar, and apr

DVSNCYNIKL
10-08-2001, 01:01 PM
Originally posted by kbslacker

Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.


Read First.:D:D


Originally posted by gang$tarr

beware! cause I'm catching up to you! :devil: :devil:

don't be fooled by my posts per day in my profile..... that's so low because of the low amount of posting in Feb, Mar, and apr [/B]


I don't really care for post counts.:D

gang$tarr
10-08-2001, 02:05 PM
Originally posted by DVSNCYNIKL

I don't really care for post counts.:D


okay, well than i've been here longer than you :finger: :D heheh

igor@af
10-08-2001, 04:14 PM
..but who is a moderator? :rolleyes:

DVSNCYNIKL
10-08-2001, 04:19 PM
Originally posted by igor@af
..but who is a moderator? :rolleyes:


LOL

STAB.............STAB............................S TAB.....STAB. :D :D


Hey man! Where in the blue hell have you been?

kris
10-08-2001, 04:48 PM
Originally posted by DVSNCYNIKL



LOL

STAB.............STAB............................S TAB.....STAB. :D :D


Hey man! Where in the blue hell have you been?


he doesnt like us anymore. :)

DVSNCYNIKL
10-08-2001, 05:01 PM
Originally posted by kbslacker



he doesnt like us anymore. :)


http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid26/p6288209cbdf7511ddf03de4d4ea34b16/fe42abbc.gif
:( Say it ain't so Igor! :(

speediva
10-08-2001, 06:35 PM
He's just shy around girls ;)

gang$tarr
10-08-2001, 09:35 PM
hah yeah, igor never posts

YogsVR4
11-15-2001, 02:37 PM
Originally posted by gang$tarr
ah yes seniority.... all of you bow down to my post whore ways, except for Primera Man, Jay and DVS.... and ofcourse igor cause he started all this :D
is there anybody else ahead of me?

I believe he meant length of time on the board - not the number of times you can press "Submit Reply" :)

gang$tarr
11-15-2001, 04:24 PM
Originally posted by YogsVR4


I believe he meant length of time on the board - not the number of times you can press "Submit Reply" :)

I believe that i've been on here longer than most people..... there can't be more than 30 people that still post here and came here before me

KatWoman
11-15-2001, 04:27 PM
Origially posted by kbslacker:
18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.


FAWK!!! i knew there was a reason why everyone here snickers at me :finger:

Chris
11-28-2001, 07:48 AM
That was a cool read, got me thinking before school.

Although not as big a post-whore as Jay or G-$tar, At least I got here early. So I have seniority over most people!:ylsuper

Judge
11-28-2001, 11:00 PM
im a newbie........so........well, :flipa: :flipa:

Rich
11-28-2001, 11:39 PM
When I see that old-school threads start being brought back up, I know its time to sign-off for the night :D

PART
12-04-2001, 05:41 PM
that was great, hopefully af is around long enough for me to be an oldtimer too then ill get to join in on the fun:)

Rich
12-04-2001, 05:50 PM
Originally posted by PART
that was great, hopefully af is around long enough for me to be an oldtimer too then ill get to join in on the fun:)

AF will be around. The question is, will you still be around?

I hope that you are :D

RazorGTR
12-04-2001, 10:40 PM
Being at the top of the food chain does have its advantages huh igor :)

Lets face it everyone else is mearly a puppet or there to assist you until you feel they have done more than enough :)

but what do I know, I am merely a guppy in this huge pond, so hiding seems to be the better part of valor :smoker2:

TheMan5952
02-08-2002, 02:07 AM
I been here for a while, Can't quite remember which month. Those rules are funny, I'm have to show those to my computer teacher.

Gonthrax
02-08-2002, 02:23 AM
Wow, I seem to remember reading this post shortly after I joined AF. It lives agian!

tazdev
04-29-2002, 03:20 AM
yeah I went back a reread the first page.

That still makes me laugh.:D

1989 DX R
04-29-2002, 07:20 AM
Wow man, that is crazy. I did that once and was scared.

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